Recently my dear mother kept an article from the Wall Street Journal (one of the few newspapers left that hasn't devolved into "rag" status or merely a propaganda forum) for me to read. It was about how many or most of us have an inner critic, who often can be more harsh than any outside voice. I've been telling people for a decade that I'm a perfectionist with an over-active and extremely Hitler-esque inner critic. Often this Inner Hitler had been an obstacle in nearly everything I attempt. Particularly (since about middle school) in my writing.
So, although the article was nothing new to me, it was nice to see the positives and negatives of self-criticism being acknowledged. The article also contained a brief quiz meant to assess one's level of self-criticism and perfectionism. 15 statements with a certain number of points allotted for the level of agreement with each statement.
Okay, fine. Since I can almost read your thoughts right now, I'll go ahead and give you what you want and type out the whole stupid quiz so you can take it yourself. (but if I get sued for copyright infringement, I blame you all)
For each statement, indicate the number that best describes how you feel most of the time.
1 - Totally disagree; 2 - Disagree very much; 3 - Disagree slightly; 4 - neutral; 5 - Agree slightly; 6 - Agree very much; 7 - Totally agree
1. It is difficult to be happy unless one is good-looking, intelligent, rich and creative.
2. People will probably think less of me if I make a mistake.
3. If I do not do well all the time, people will not respect me.
4. If a person asks for help, it is a sign of weakness.
5. If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am a weak person.
6. If I fail at my work, then I am a failure as a person.
7. If you cannot do something well, there is little point in doing it at all.
8. If someone disagrees with me, it probably indicates he does not like me.
9. If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.
10. If other people know what you are really like, they will think less of you.
11. If I don't set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person.
12. If I am to be a worthwhile person, I must be the best in at least one way.
13. People who have good ideas are better than those who do not.
14. I should be upset if I make a mistake.
15. If I ask a question, it makes me look stupid.
I went through the quiz and came to a score of 59. (and that was being conservative) 54 or higher indicates a high level of self-criticism and perfectionism. 39 is average and 24 or less indicates a low level of self-criticism and perfectionism.
So how did everyone do? I'd love to hear some of your scores. C'mon...I shared mine...
Okay...onto my other topic of the day: Meagan Fox. She does nothing for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah - technically she's gorgeous, but her portrayed image just comes across as so vapid, shallow, and lacking personality that her physical beauty is completely negated. When I hear a fellow man gasping through barely restrained wanton desire the many perceived wonders of Ms. Fox, I know that man does not place much value on intelligence, personality, charm, poise, and other non-mammalian traits of attraction. Give me Kate Beckinsale any day over Fox. Beckinsale's (or at least her portrayed image) the kind of woman who can kill the undead in skintight black leather, go frolicking on the beach with you, laugh at your stupid jokes, move you to write songs and lay waste to countless villages, and still tuck the kids in at night while saving energy for quality time with her man. Hmm....wouldn't it be ironic if in reality both Fox and Beckinsale were nothing like their images -- or even reversed? (and when I talk about portrayed images, I don't exactly mean the roles they play in movies, but rather how they come across as real people) Regardless, I'm sticking with Becks.
Oh, and let's not forget Fox's little comments about how she wishes Megatron (the villain from the Transformers movies) would blow up middle America with all it's Bible-thumping rednecks. I don't have her exact quote handy, but if you replace all the descriptors she used pertaining to many average Christians in this country with words that describe terrorists or a random minority group, her statement would have been heralded as racist, immoral, unconscionable, and stupid. But thanks to our cultures wacky double-standards, it's still totally cool to say bad things about Christians and "middle America." After all, they just "cling to their guns and religion".....wait a minute, Fox didn't say that part....who was that again? Oh yeah...
A few more random comments before I go:
1. I've found recently that it is actually EASIER for me to run the hotter and muggier it is outside. I've always been unable to run in cold weather - harder to breath, the throat burns, nose runs, muscles ache and feel lifeless. Perhaps the warmer, more humid air helps keep my body loose. This could help particularly with my chronic sciatica problems. Whatever it is, this recent heat wave of 90 degree temperatures has me bursting with energy each time I go for a run.
2. Salmon could be the perfect food. There's nothing bad in it and each fillet (at least the one's in the freezer) has about 40 grams of protein! For someone as health conscious and mildly-addicted to working out as me, that's a gold mine! Last night I made an amazing salmon salad -- and normally I don't care for meat mixed with vegetables in salad-form. It was so good I ate the leftovers for breakfast this morning -- and I just might make it again tonight!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Housecleaning and Best Fight Scenes
First - the housecleaning:
1. If you want some good insight on the evils of socialized health care (which is essentially what government run health care is), I suggest reading anything Stuart Varney has to say on the subject. He's an excellent journalist who lived in Great Britain and experienced socialized/nationalized/whatever term you prefer health care firsthand. Now he sees it coming our way.
On a personal note, while I have complained about my health insurance rates going up in recent years, I still do not want to see my provider run out of business by an undercutting government program. If there's a new massive government program out there at a cheaper rate, corporations are going to look at the numbers and start dumping Blue Cross Blue Shield and other private providers. Just like in The Office when they made Michael Scott pick the cheapest plan for his branch (but then he gave the duty to Dwight, who picked the worst plan imaginable). Also, it would be expected for the government (especially this government) to offer incentives to corporations and other groups to join the new government plan. Sure, you can keep your private plan....as long as that private company still exists. (as I often say, you can hardly ever take a politician at their word -- just because they say they're doing one thing, doesn't mean it's true. When some scam artist is bilking a kindly grandmother out of her life savings, he doesn't say "hey, I'm going to steal from you now." Instead he says "Oh, no, I'm not stealing from you - I'm here to help. That's just silly talk. I'm here to help you!"
As BCBS and others lose corporations, they have to find a way to stay afloat. So, perhaps they make up their losses by raising individual plan rates (like mine) to the point that we individuals can no longer afford to keep our plans...and are forced to join the inferior government plan. Soon BCBS and its kin are dinosaurs - fossilizing in ancient river beds for future combustion, followed by demonization as the cause of future cyclical climate change which is then politicized and used as a means to gain power and control. Then we face two extremes: Massive over-crowding in our doctors' offices and hospitals as people seek medical attention for every little ache and pain ("I kinda have a headache, I need an MRI") OR rationing of procedures, tests, and exams as government bureaucrats (lovingly called "central planners" by some people not fond of the current administration) make the decisions on whether or not you are deserving of such care.
2. Hmm....I wrote the previous part of this several days ago...now I've entirely forgotten what the other "housecleaning" issues were....
Okay -- onto the Best Fight Scenes. Recently I took part in a random discussion about the best movie fight scenes. These could be considered for a variety of reasons - such as the action itself, the characters involved, length, comedic factor, etc. Here are some of the favorites (in no particular order):
1. (They Live) --- Roddy Piper versus Keith David -- a cult-classic 80s sci-fi/horror movie about alien invaders who look like humans and whose true hideous appearance can only be seen when one is wearing cool-for-the-80s black sunglasses. These two have a ridiculously long fight-scene that harkens to Piper's day job as a pro wrestler.
2. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) -- Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader --- the epic duel that ultimately leaves Anakin's charred and limbless form lying beside a river of lava remains one of the few things George Lucas has gotten right in the last couple of decades.
3. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs himself (literally) --- Norton's character beats himself up in order to keep his annoying boss off his back...and also bilks the company out of a nice settlement. I'm sure there are millions of us who have seriously considered pulling this stunt, but never had the guts to go through with it.
4. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs Jared Leto --- Ah...there's something so satisfying about seeing pretty boy actors getting their fictional faces smashed.
5. (Snatch) -- Mickey (Brad Pitt) vs Gorgeous George --- George is a trained bare-knuckle boxer who gets knocked out cold by one punch from Mickey the unassuming gypsey. Good times. Excellent director's work, in my opinion.
6. (Happy Gilmore) -- Happy vs Bob Barker -- how can one not enjoy the octogenarian Price Is Right host trading punches (and crass one-liners) with Adam Sandler? It's just the kind of silly fantasy young men would dream up while goofing around in the backyard: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Adam Sandler fought Bob Barker?" "Oh dude! That's awesome!"
7. (Snatch) -- Mickey vs whoever-he-was-fighting-at-the-end-of-the-movie -- I can't recall who the opponent was, but the brawl that Mickey was intentionally losing only to ulimately win at the last second and complete his revenge against Bricktop is another fantastic element to a truly great film.
8. (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) -- Obi Wan and Qui Gon vs Darth Maul --- while the rest of the movie was largely a disappointment (and dismal commentary on George Lucas' handling of one of the most beloved franchises of all time), the lightsaber duel at the end was worth watching. Unfortunately two of the only three cool characters in the entire movie are killed off.
9. (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) -- Indy vs a bunch of Nazis on a moving tank -- One of my all-time favorite movies has a really under-appreciated scene where Indy must rescue his father from inside "the belly of that steel beast" (a pre-WWII era tank). Indy hangs by his satchel from a cannon-barrel, he shoots through multiple Nazi soldiers at the same time with a Luger, he even leaps off the thing at the last second just as it goes over a cliff. What more could you ask for? (besides a 4th Indy movie that wasn't epically ruined by Lucas, Spielberg, and Shia LaBeouf)
10. (Lord of the Rings) -- Gandalf vs the Balrog --- Go ahead. Say the line. Surely you've had a few drinks and stood in front of the bathroom door and said to your buddy "You shall not pass!" Okay, even I haven't done that. Anyway, my inner dork really likes this confrontation. Also I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Mr. Herbert (a.k.a. - the perverted old man) says the line to a giant, evil, living tree that is attacking Chris Griffin (or whom Herbert once called "the muscly-armed paperboy").
11. (Predator) -- Ah-nold vs the Predator -- "You are one ugly...." As if this classic didn't have enough memorable lines ("Get to the chopp-ah!") and scenes, who can forget the epic slugfest between a mud-encrusted Arnold (still in his prime) and one of the greatest movie aliens of all time? There is actually something in the male DNA that prevents us from ever growing bored with this movie. Seriously.
12. (Anchorman) -- the news-team gang battle royale -- without this scene the movie is significantly less funny. Steve Carrell's character kills a guy....with a trident....after that he lays low for a while.
13. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) -- King Arthur vs the Black Knight -- "it's just a fleshwound!" And I don't think I need to say anything else.
14. (300) -- Spartans vs innumerable hordes of Persians -- Isn't the whole movie basically one big awesome fight scene? It's impossible to pick just one scene or particular fight. So, I'm lumping all the fight scenes together for the purposes of this list. Prepare for glory!
15. (Kill Bill Part 1) -- The Bride vs The Crazy 88 -- Though I haven't seen this movie in at least 5 years, I can still recall this brutal and very Tarantino-ish bloodbath as being an excellent fight scene. Extra points for the hot-girl-with-a-sword angle.
16. (The Bourne Ultimatum) -- Jason Bourne vs motorcycle guy -- This fight scene set a new bar for realistic and gritty action filmmaking. A hallmark of Bourne movie fights is that, as in real life, the winner of the fight rarely walks away unscathed. There were several other amazing Bourne fight scenes I could include on this list...but I'm confused as to which movie they were in and who he was fighting and why....one was in an apartment against another assassin....hmmm.....
17. (Troy) -- Achilles vs Hector -- two of the ancient world's greatest warriors do battle at the gates of Troy, regrettably one must die. I still can't stomach the end of the film, however, when worthless, conniving, no-good Paris/Orlando Bloom shoots his little arrows. If I'd be directing that movie we would have changed the story around a little more and none of that crap would have happened!
18. (Gladiator) -- Russell Crowe vs anyone put in his way -- I can't even begin to sort through all the great fight scenes in this one. So, I won't bother. You've seen the movie. You know what I mean.
Okay....I'm out of top-of-the-head and stolen-from-the-discussion fight scenes. Feel free to add your own and even rank them if you wish. I'm positive there are dozens of great ones I've neglected to add.
1. If you want some good insight on the evils of socialized health care (which is essentially what government run health care is), I suggest reading anything Stuart Varney has to say on the subject. He's an excellent journalist who lived in Great Britain and experienced socialized/nationalized/whatever term you prefer health care firsthand. Now he sees it coming our way.
On a personal note, while I have complained about my health insurance rates going up in recent years, I still do not want to see my provider run out of business by an undercutting government program. If there's a new massive government program out there at a cheaper rate, corporations are going to look at the numbers and start dumping Blue Cross Blue Shield and other private providers. Just like in The Office when they made Michael Scott pick the cheapest plan for his branch (but then he gave the duty to Dwight, who picked the worst plan imaginable). Also, it would be expected for the government (especially this government) to offer incentives to corporations and other groups to join the new government plan. Sure, you can keep your private plan....as long as that private company still exists. (as I often say, you can hardly ever take a politician at their word -- just because they say they're doing one thing, doesn't mean it's true. When some scam artist is bilking a kindly grandmother out of her life savings, he doesn't say "hey, I'm going to steal from you now." Instead he says "Oh, no, I'm not stealing from you - I'm here to help. That's just silly talk. I'm here to help you!"
As BCBS and others lose corporations, they have to find a way to stay afloat. So, perhaps they make up their losses by raising individual plan rates (like mine) to the point that we individuals can no longer afford to keep our plans...and are forced to join the inferior government plan. Soon BCBS and its kin are dinosaurs - fossilizing in ancient river beds for future combustion, followed by demonization as the cause of future cyclical climate change which is then politicized and used as a means to gain power and control. Then we face two extremes: Massive over-crowding in our doctors' offices and hospitals as people seek medical attention for every little ache and pain ("I kinda have a headache, I need an MRI") OR rationing of procedures, tests, and exams as government bureaucrats (lovingly called "central planners" by some people not fond of the current administration) make the decisions on whether or not you are deserving of such care.
2. Hmm....I wrote the previous part of this several days ago...now I've entirely forgotten what the other "housecleaning" issues were....
Okay -- onto the Best Fight Scenes. Recently I took part in a random discussion about the best movie fight scenes. These could be considered for a variety of reasons - such as the action itself, the characters involved, length, comedic factor, etc. Here are some of the favorites (in no particular order):
1. (They Live) --- Roddy Piper versus Keith David -- a cult-classic 80s sci-fi/horror movie about alien invaders who look like humans and whose true hideous appearance can only be seen when one is wearing cool-for-the-80s black sunglasses. These two have a ridiculously long fight-scene that harkens to Piper's day job as a pro wrestler.
2. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) -- Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader --- the epic duel that ultimately leaves Anakin's charred and limbless form lying beside a river of lava remains one of the few things George Lucas has gotten right in the last couple of decades.
3. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs himself (literally) --- Norton's character beats himself up in order to keep his annoying boss off his back...and also bilks the company out of a nice settlement. I'm sure there are millions of us who have seriously considered pulling this stunt, but never had the guts to go through with it.
4. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs Jared Leto --- Ah...there's something so satisfying about seeing pretty boy actors getting their fictional faces smashed.
5. (Snatch) -- Mickey (Brad Pitt) vs Gorgeous George --- George is a trained bare-knuckle boxer who gets knocked out cold by one punch from Mickey the unassuming gypsey. Good times. Excellent director's work, in my opinion.
6. (Happy Gilmore) -- Happy vs Bob Barker -- how can one not enjoy the octogenarian Price Is Right host trading punches (and crass one-liners) with Adam Sandler? It's just the kind of silly fantasy young men would dream up while goofing around in the backyard: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Adam Sandler fought Bob Barker?" "Oh dude! That's awesome!"
7. (Snatch) -- Mickey vs whoever-he-was-fighting-at-the-end-of-the-movie -- I can't recall who the opponent was, but the brawl that Mickey was intentionally losing only to ulimately win at the last second and complete his revenge against Bricktop is another fantastic element to a truly great film.
8. (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) -- Obi Wan and Qui Gon vs Darth Maul --- while the rest of the movie was largely a disappointment (and dismal commentary on George Lucas' handling of one of the most beloved franchises of all time), the lightsaber duel at the end was worth watching. Unfortunately two of the only three cool characters in the entire movie are killed off.
9. (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) -- Indy vs a bunch of Nazis on a moving tank -- One of my all-time favorite movies has a really under-appreciated scene where Indy must rescue his father from inside "the belly of that steel beast" (a pre-WWII era tank). Indy hangs by his satchel from a cannon-barrel, he shoots through multiple Nazi soldiers at the same time with a Luger, he even leaps off the thing at the last second just as it goes over a cliff. What more could you ask for? (besides a 4th Indy movie that wasn't epically ruined by Lucas, Spielberg, and Shia LaBeouf)
10. (Lord of the Rings) -- Gandalf vs the Balrog --- Go ahead. Say the line. Surely you've had a few drinks and stood in front of the bathroom door and said to your buddy "You shall not pass!" Okay, even I haven't done that. Anyway, my inner dork really likes this confrontation. Also I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Mr. Herbert (a.k.a. - the perverted old man) says the line to a giant, evil, living tree that is attacking Chris Griffin (or whom Herbert once called "the muscly-armed paperboy").
11. (Predator) -- Ah-nold vs the Predator -- "You are one ugly...." As if this classic didn't have enough memorable lines ("Get to the chopp-ah!") and scenes, who can forget the epic slugfest between a mud-encrusted Arnold (still in his prime) and one of the greatest movie aliens of all time? There is actually something in the male DNA that prevents us from ever growing bored with this movie. Seriously.
12. (Anchorman) -- the news-team gang battle royale -- without this scene the movie is significantly less funny. Steve Carrell's character kills a guy....with a trident....after that he lays low for a while.
13. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) -- King Arthur vs the Black Knight -- "it's just a fleshwound!" And I don't think I need to say anything else.
14. (300) -- Spartans vs innumerable hordes of Persians -- Isn't the whole movie basically one big awesome fight scene? It's impossible to pick just one scene or particular fight. So, I'm lumping all the fight scenes together for the purposes of this list. Prepare for glory!
15. (Kill Bill Part 1) -- The Bride vs The Crazy 88 -- Though I haven't seen this movie in at least 5 years, I can still recall this brutal and very Tarantino-ish bloodbath as being an excellent fight scene. Extra points for the hot-girl-with-a-sword angle.
16. (The Bourne Ultimatum) -- Jason Bourne vs motorcycle guy -- This fight scene set a new bar for realistic and gritty action filmmaking. A hallmark of Bourne movie fights is that, as in real life, the winner of the fight rarely walks away unscathed. There were several other amazing Bourne fight scenes I could include on this list...but I'm confused as to which movie they were in and who he was fighting and why....one was in an apartment against another assassin....hmmm.....
17. (Troy) -- Achilles vs Hector -- two of the ancient world's greatest warriors do battle at the gates of Troy, regrettably one must die. I still can't stomach the end of the film, however, when worthless, conniving, no-good Paris/Orlando Bloom shoots his little arrows. If I'd be directing that movie we would have changed the story around a little more and none of that crap would have happened!
18. (Gladiator) -- Russell Crowe vs anyone put in his way -- I can't even begin to sort through all the great fight scenes in this one. So, I won't bother. You've seen the movie. You know what I mean.
Okay....I'm out of top-of-the-head and stolen-from-the-discussion fight scenes. Feel free to add your own and even rank them if you wish. I'm positive there are dozens of great ones I've neglected to add.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I'm back...and still scatterbrained
Did anybody miss me? I haven't blogged in nearly 3 weeks. Why? No, I wasn't on vacation (can't afford those these days). I think mostly I felt like I had nothing to say and that nobody would care about anything I had to say even if I did have something to say. Perhaps my old enemy - self-criticism - played a role. And maybe some innocent comments by friends inadvertently led to my inability to write. But today I have forced myself back to the keyboard....still with nothing much to say....
I finally saw "The Hangover" yesterday. It was hilarious...funny all the way through...in fact, it seemed to get funnier as the movie went along. Unfortunately my brain has aged (or at least my priorities) to the point that I can no longer instantly retain all the good memorable lines from movies I've just seen. Also, most of those good lines were probably too vulgar to repeat in this (somewhat) family-friendly blog. To those who have also seen it: I'm still not clear on a couple of things -- 1) How did Phil end up in the hospital? and 2) How did they get the cop car in the first place?
Earlier in the weekend I also saw "The Taking of Pelham 123." It was rather mediocre, as I expected...but not bad. It was entertaining and I believe it sets a new bar for number of uses of the "f-bomb." Seriously. It was so blatant that I got the impression that the director was making a joke out of it - just tossing it into every line of the film. More f-bombs than The Big Lebowski. (That's a lot of f-bombs)
While trying not to pay attention to the news this morning (as these days all it does it agitate, depress, enrage, or otherwise make me feel ill) I couldn't help but notice some segment on exercise for the elderly. And it made me think that we really need to step up the science of creating artificial limbs/organs/entire bodies. I KNOW we can do it! "Oh, but it would cost too much - wahhhh!" Do you know how much it costs to take care of the elderly as it is???? When I get old I want my own replacement organs, robotic limbs that look perfectly real yet out-perform actual human limbs, or even a whole new android body for my brain to run around in. Let's make it happen people! Old age is out there, lurking, waiting, snickering sadisitically to itself in the shadows while fumbling with a package of Twinkies as it watches you go for that Saturday morning jog and come back aching just a tiny bit more each day! He may inevitably take me - but by golly, I'm going down like a Spartan!
Ah, but with socialized health care right around the corner - we're all in big trouble anyway. Just pray you don't get sick. Seriously. We currently have the best health care system in the world - even with all its quirks and problems. But we're about to go back to the Stone Age. But why waste my energy typing about it....those of you who get it - get it. Those who disagree will always disagree. Let's just split the country in two before things get really REALLY out of control. (Because we're already at just "really out of control.")
If any of you haven't seen the Mike Judge film "Idiocracy," do yourself a favor and check it out. Or at least watch the first 5 minutes where they compare the breeding rates of the stupid and non-stupid in our culture. It's funny, alarming, scary, and shockingly accurate.
Hmm...something light and humorous to wrap this blog up with....hmm...
Oh. Over the weekend Petsmart had pet adoption days on both Saturday and Sunday. I'm (jokingly) not allowed to go near that place on such days, yet this weekend I happened to be there both times. But I didn't adopt anything. So, that's good. I CAN fight temptation after all.
I finally saw "The Hangover" yesterday. It was hilarious...funny all the way through...in fact, it seemed to get funnier as the movie went along. Unfortunately my brain has aged (or at least my priorities) to the point that I can no longer instantly retain all the good memorable lines from movies I've just seen. Also, most of those good lines were probably too vulgar to repeat in this (somewhat) family-friendly blog. To those who have also seen it: I'm still not clear on a couple of things -- 1) How did Phil end up in the hospital? and 2) How did they get the cop car in the first place?
Earlier in the weekend I also saw "The Taking of Pelham 123." It was rather mediocre, as I expected...but not bad. It was entertaining and I believe it sets a new bar for number of uses of the "f-bomb." Seriously. It was so blatant that I got the impression that the director was making a joke out of it - just tossing it into every line of the film. More f-bombs than The Big Lebowski. (That's a lot of f-bombs)
While trying not to pay attention to the news this morning (as these days all it does it agitate, depress, enrage, or otherwise make me feel ill) I couldn't help but notice some segment on exercise for the elderly. And it made me think that we really need to step up the science of creating artificial limbs/organs/entire bodies. I KNOW we can do it! "Oh, but it would cost too much - wahhhh!" Do you know how much it costs to take care of the elderly as it is???? When I get old I want my own replacement organs, robotic limbs that look perfectly real yet out-perform actual human limbs, or even a whole new android body for my brain to run around in. Let's make it happen people! Old age is out there, lurking, waiting, snickering sadisitically to itself in the shadows while fumbling with a package of Twinkies as it watches you go for that Saturday morning jog and come back aching just a tiny bit more each day! He may inevitably take me - but by golly, I'm going down like a Spartan!
Ah, but with socialized health care right around the corner - we're all in big trouble anyway. Just pray you don't get sick. Seriously. We currently have the best health care system in the world - even with all its quirks and problems. But we're about to go back to the Stone Age. But why waste my energy typing about it....those of you who get it - get it. Those who disagree will always disagree. Let's just split the country in two before things get really REALLY out of control. (Because we're already at just "really out of control.")
If any of you haven't seen the Mike Judge film "Idiocracy," do yourself a favor and check it out. Or at least watch the first 5 minutes where they compare the breeding rates of the stupid and non-stupid in our culture. It's funny, alarming, scary, and shockingly accurate.
Hmm...something light and humorous to wrap this blog up with....hmm...
Oh. Over the weekend Petsmart had pet adoption days on both Saturday and Sunday. I'm (jokingly) not allowed to go near that place on such days, yet this weekend I happened to be there both times. But I didn't adopt anything. So, that's good. I CAN fight temptation after all.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Pseudo-UFOs and Movie Dissatisfaction
I hope everyone had a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Except for those jerks who woke me up Saturday night at 1AM in their airboat with all the searchlights and the stupid droning generator. It was the sort of thing a less intelligent individual might have taken for a UFO landing. It started with hearing the noise in my sleep. Then I began gradually waking up in stages - at first thinking it was just a helicopter going overhead. But once fully awake I realized what was going on. The sweeping lights through the trees that entered my bedroom window were not the spotlights of passing helicopters (military or search and rescue) nor were they the pre-abduction lights of an alien craft. Looking down through the trees to the lake I saw the small boat with its ring of powerful lights - each reflecting off of the water, creating the illusion of a second ring. The boat was nearly on shore and while the sleep-annihilating roar of the airboat motor had ceased, the annoying drone of a generator could still be heard. Over the noise of that, however, I could also hear the guys on the boat chattering to each other. These same characters had been here before - a couple of weeks ago - but with a less noisy motor, no generator, and at 9PM rather than 1AM. I actually considered firing a gun into the air to convince them to leave. But they soon left on their own.
I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.
One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):
"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.
The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."
I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).
I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.
In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.
Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.
I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.
One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):
"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.
The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."
I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).
I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.
In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.
Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Mighty Sampson Gets a Haircut...
So I went for a haircut yesterday.....I intended to have a little more taken off than last time....but it's funny how that always seems to result in the complete and total deforestation of my hair. So, I'm no longer really a shaggy-haired lad, rebelling against society's ills. But the hair will be back....and it will have its revenge...in this, 2009, the Year of Vengeance!
Anyway...
Here's what's randomly on my mind this morning:
1. I have a tick bite on my leg that either has a red rash around it (indicating very bad things) or is irritated from all the constant scratching. Nothing seems to itch as intensely or for as long as tick bites!
2. When you're mowing so deep in a wooded area that the plant-life (I can't call it grass, because this was way beyond just grass) is as tall as the handle bars, it might be time to call in air support and just have the place napalmed. And to all the turtles I rescued from being eaten by the mower -- you're welcome! No, no - don't bother thanking me for saving your lives -- just hiss at me and slam shut the front door on your shells.
3. Has anyone seen the YouTube video on Shia Labeauf (sp?) where it's just 2 minutes of clips from his movies of him saying "No?" For those - like myself and the majority of male movie-goers out there - who can't stand him, it's an enjoyable experience and a demonstration of his oh-so-amazing acting range.
4. I've probably mentioned my little theory before, but I'll bring it up again: In order for a Hollywood actor to become one of the true "top dogs" he MUST win over the male audience. Crowe, Bale, Damon - they've all done this and are all at the top of the heap. The Shias and Orlando Blooms of the world will never be that successful unless or until they can make the average guy like them. Take Brad Pitt for example, he went from being a male-hated pretty boy to now being a guy's-guy actor noted for his talent and great role selection. It all started around the era of Se7en and Fight Club. He began showing the male audience a different side and we began to say, "alright, Pitt....maybe you're not so bad...maybe I could have a beer with you...fight a war with you...." How is this done? There is no set formula, but there are certain aspects to the roles an actor takes that can help accomplish this goal.
a) Be a viable "Badass." -- Just playing a role that features guns or swords isn't enough. In fact, doing so can expose an actor for being just another pretty boy male-model type that Hollywood is trying to force-feed to the general public. You have to be believeable. You have to be a man's-man - rugged, tough, the kind of guy you could depend on to lead you out of the wilderness after a plane crash - or help you fight off the street gang that is terrorizing your neighborhood. And you can't look pretty while doing it -- it's okay to look good - just not pretty. In fact, never look pretty if you want to win the male audience over. We hate that. It's why in the real world we say "I can't stand that pretty boy!" so derisively. An example of "Badass" -- pretty much any role Russell Crowe has played that involved swords, guns, or fighting of any kind. An example of Epic Fail Badass -- Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven," Shia playing Indiana Jones' street-tough motorcycle-riding son in Indiana Jones 4, and George Clooney as Batman (but that was horrible for a lot of other reasons as well).
b) Be funny - but in a self-deprecating or off-the-wall kind of way. Don't be a punk! Nothing irritates the male audience quite like some young pretty boy who acts cocky and makes a bunch of smart-aleck remarks. Do this and you may have sealed your doom forever. (I'm looking at you, Shia...) An example of good humor: Vince Vaughn.
c) Be able to play a character as opposed to just another pretty romantic lead. Brad Pitt has played crazy serial killers, loons, devious figments of one's imagination railing against modern society, and even dim-witted personal trainers. He has taken on roles that require looking and acting like someone far less than a charming, handsome hero. And he's pulled them off successfully.
d) Take on roles that subsconciously will earn our respect. Jason Bourne? Maximus? The new gritty, more realistic Batman of Christian Bale? If these characters popped out of the screen and started walking around in our living rooms -- we would literally drop our popcorn bowl and follow them off on adventures. If Colin Farrell's Alexander came out of my tv screen I would hurl the popcorn bowl at him and demand my money back for seeing that WOAT movie in the first place.
4. I think I'm gonna start wearing half-shirts like Iceman and Slider in Top Gun. Or at least oil myself up each time before I play sand volleyball while Kenny Loggins' music plays in the background.
5. Okay - my attention span is gone. Everyone have a great weekend and be safe out there.
Anyway...
Here's what's randomly on my mind this morning:
1. I have a tick bite on my leg that either has a red rash around it (indicating very bad things) or is irritated from all the constant scratching. Nothing seems to itch as intensely or for as long as tick bites!
2. When you're mowing so deep in a wooded area that the plant-life (I can't call it grass, because this was way beyond just grass) is as tall as the handle bars, it might be time to call in air support and just have the place napalmed. And to all the turtles I rescued from being eaten by the mower -- you're welcome! No, no - don't bother thanking me for saving your lives -- just hiss at me and slam shut the front door on your shells.
3. Has anyone seen the YouTube video on Shia Labeauf (sp?) where it's just 2 minutes of clips from his movies of him saying "No?" For those - like myself and the majority of male movie-goers out there - who can't stand him, it's an enjoyable experience and a demonstration of his oh-so-amazing acting range.
4. I've probably mentioned my little theory before, but I'll bring it up again: In order for a Hollywood actor to become one of the true "top dogs" he MUST win over the male audience. Crowe, Bale, Damon - they've all done this and are all at the top of the heap. The Shias and Orlando Blooms of the world will never be that successful unless or until they can make the average guy like them. Take Brad Pitt for example, he went from being a male-hated pretty boy to now being a guy's-guy actor noted for his talent and great role selection. It all started around the era of Se7en and Fight Club. He began showing the male audience a different side and we began to say, "alright, Pitt....maybe you're not so bad...maybe I could have a beer with you...fight a war with you...." How is this done? There is no set formula, but there are certain aspects to the roles an actor takes that can help accomplish this goal.
a) Be a viable "Badass." -- Just playing a role that features guns or swords isn't enough. In fact, doing so can expose an actor for being just another pretty boy male-model type that Hollywood is trying to force-feed to the general public. You have to be believeable. You have to be a man's-man - rugged, tough, the kind of guy you could depend on to lead you out of the wilderness after a plane crash - or help you fight off the street gang that is terrorizing your neighborhood. And you can't look pretty while doing it -- it's okay to look good - just not pretty. In fact, never look pretty if you want to win the male audience over. We hate that. It's why in the real world we say "I can't stand that pretty boy!" so derisively. An example of "Badass" -- pretty much any role Russell Crowe has played that involved swords, guns, or fighting of any kind. An example of Epic Fail Badass -- Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven," Shia playing Indiana Jones' street-tough motorcycle-riding son in Indiana Jones 4, and George Clooney as Batman (but that was horrible for a lot of other reasons as well).
b) Be funny - but in a self-deprecating or off-the-wall kind of way. Don't be a punk! Nothing irritates the male audience quite like some young pretty boy who acts cocky and makes a bunch of smart-aleck remarks. Do this and you may have sealed your doom forever. (I'm looking at you, Shia...) An example of good humor: Vince Vaughn.
c) Be able to play a character as opposed to just another pretty romantic lead. Brad Pitt has played crazy serial killers, loons, devious figments of one's imagination railing against modern society, and even dim-witted personal trainers. He has taken on roles that require looking and acting like someone far less than a charming, handsome hero. And he's pulled them off successfully.
d) Take on roles that subsconciously will earn our respect. Jason Bourne? Maximus? The new gritty, more realistic Batman of Christian Bale? If these characters popped out of the screen and started walking around in our living rooms -- we would literally drop our popcorn bowl and follow them off on adventures. If Colin Farrell's Alexander came out of my tv screen I would hurl the popcorn bowl at him and demand my money back for seeing that WOAT movie in the first place.
4. I think I'm gonna start wearing half-shirts like Iceman and Slider in Top Gun. Or at least oil myself up each time before I play sand volleyball while Kenny Loggins' music plays in the background.
5. Okay - my attention span is gone. Everyone have a great weekend and be safe out there.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Fun in Fundamentalism
Yes, I neglected my blog for a week. It was finals week and it would have been quite irresponsible of me to be here writing goofball blogs instead of cramming in the last bits of a semester's worth of information. I don't have one specific topic of conversation this morning - which will surely annoy the stodgiest of you out there. Yeah...you know who you are...with your obsessive love for policies and procedures and mission statements and meetings and reports and action-plans and files and gladhanding....I shall break through the wall and reach you someday...and you shall be free....
Sooooo....I'll just continue with the numbered random thoughts, as that seemed to work well last time:
1. My new Beers of the Week: Shiner Blonde -- apparently you cannot get it in Western Kentucky, but if you travel into Southern Illinois, and get a little lucky, you can find it in gas stations and liquor stores alike. It is easily my favorite of the Shiner brews. It also has a special place in my heart as I discovered it during the Ice Storm this winter. My first memories of it are tied in with memories of grilling and laughing under the dull roar of a generator with my brothers and sister-in-law. Making fond memories out of frozen lemons.
My other recommendation is one I actually haven't yet tried (but it is on deck for this evening): Fat Tire by New Belgium. I've heard great things about it for a long time, but for some reason it seems like I could never find it around here.
2. I picked up the new Green Day album this weekend. Normally new albums/DVDs come out on Tuesdays. So last Tuesday I found myself fuming that I couldn't find it in Best Buy or at Wal-Mart. I even ranted to Aric that it was this town's fault...but I used much more colorful language. For some reason the album didn't get released until Friday. So...call of them orbital bombardment... As for the album...I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far it has the feel of a sequel that falls flat. Like one of the Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Not bad - still entertaining - but lacking the originality and charm of the first.
3. Callie and I were accosted during the Downtown After Dinner "festivities" on Saturday night. I say that sarcastically as the only entertainment aside from a special performance of the Paducah Symphony, were two musical acts: 1 - a band playing 50s-60s era classics and 2 - some college guys doing barbershop quartet. No really. 10 years ago no frat boy would be caught dead singing in public. No high schoolers would willingly put on musicals and consider it cool. American Idol would have been booed off the air. Boy, do times change....
But I digress....so my niece and I were walking towards the river when this goofy looking chap in a big St. Louis Cardinals sweatshirt and Nikes hands her a fake million dollar bill with some sort of fundamentalist Christian stuff written on it. Then he proceeds to start asking us personal religious questions while his minions (a couple guys like him and some kids who looked like the type to hide in the bushes and shoot non-believers with blow-darts) essentially surrounded us and watched. He wanted to know if we had been rasied in a "good, Christian background" and what we thought happened to us when we die. Of course, our answers weren't good enough - especially the part about Purgatory, which he dismissed completely (and which should have been his first clue that he was dealing with those darn Cath'lics!). Instead he wore this vacant, fake smile - exposing teeth that featured food between nearly every one of them - a condescending nod followed by an equally condescending "yeah...yeah...well let me ask you this..." And his eyes....I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes...and this guy's eyes were empty and cold.... So, Callie quickly grew angry with this man's thinly veiled assault on our beliefs and accusatory nature and stopped responding completely, while I took up my own fake smile and condescending tone to match that of our new pal. Why yes, I HAVE told a lie before! Hmmm...well, I don't think I've stolen anything since I was a little kid. What's that you say? The Bible states that if you break the 10 Commandments you're doomed to Hell? Wow...how about that... Then he asks me if I've ever looked at a woman lustfully. Um...yeah...quite a bit, in fact. He replies that the Bible says if a man looks at a woman lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. (Doesn't at least one party have to be married for it to be adultery? And how exactly would any of us exist if at some point our fathers didn't look at our mothers lustfully?) He goes on that "knowing what the Bible says about that, what do you think is going to happen to you when you stand before God?" To which I laugh and reply "Well, it's not really up to me!" By this point, I'm losing patience. Callie looks like she's ready to slap someone. And now he's asking us why Jesus died and wanting to know how we participate in His sacrifice. We respond with Communion (his second clue that we're none other than those fiendish Cath'lics!) which earns us another fake nod and "right...right..." He started in on something else about sins that I was not paying attention to and Callie spunkily answered "that's why we go to Confession." And finally! Finally the light bulb goes off in Cardinals sweatshirt's head! He's got a couple of those Cath'lics on his hands! Immediately he stops his whole act, gives me a hand shake and says "I hope you make the right decision." And just like that he and his entourage moved on down the street. We kept seeing them the rest of the night going through the same routine with other groups of young people - mostly teenagers. Callie and I both look younger than we are, but unfortunately for him, we're not weak-minded or easily manipulated. If somebody wants to evangelize their religious beliefs, that's fine and dandy - but don't go around accusing young people, intimating that they're going to hell, picking apart their own beliefs, and basically acting like a holier-than-thou, conceited windbag. People like him give Christianity a bad name.
Afterwards I kept thinking of things Dr. House would have said to the guy. "Those Nikes you're wearing...were they made in the Mexican sweatshop or the one in Southeast Asia? And how is God going to feel about your promotion of the exploitation of children? Hmm...sounds like you could be in Hell with the rest of us."
During the whole thing, I kept thinking of the time on Family Guy when they wanted to potty train Stewie, so they went to the bookstore:
Storeclerk: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Peter: "Well, we're looking for a book to potty train our son."
Clerk: "Well, 'Everybody Poops' is still the standard."
Peter: "Ah, well...we're Catholic, so uh...."
Clerk: "Oh, then you need 'You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.'"
Okay...now to respond to Jason's comments from last week (which I just read last night)...
4. No, I haven't seen the Deadliest Warrior....so yes, you were ranting about a show I've never seen and yes, indeed, my references to Spartans and Pirates were completely unrelated. Sorry.
5. I haven't had the Reissdorf, but I've loved ever Kolsch I've ever tried. But I still don't like really hoppy beers and cannot drink pale ales of any kind (literally taste like soap to me).
6. Just to clarify - when I say that it sounds like a horse galloping when Killian runs across the deck...Killian's a cat.
Alright. That's all I have the patience for this morning.
Sooooo....I'll just continue with the numbered random thoughts, as that seemed to work well last time:
1. My new Beers of the Week: Shiner Blonde -- apparently you cannot get it in Western Kentucky, but if you travel into Southern Illinois, and get a little lucky, you can find it in gas stations and liquor stores alike. It is easily my favorite of the Shiner brews. It also has a special place in my heart as I discovered it during the Ice Storm this winter. My first memories of it are tied in with memories of grilling and laughing under the dull roar of a generator with my brothers and sister-in-law. Making fond memories out of frozen lemons.
My other recommendation is one I actually haven't yet tried (but it is on deck for this evening): Fat Tire by New Belgium. I've heard great things about it for a long time, but for some reason it seems like I could never find it around here.
2. I picked up the new Green Day album this weekend. Normally new albums/DVDs come out on Tuesdays. So last Tuesday I found myself fuming that I couldn't find it in Best Buy or at Wal-Mart. I even ranted to Aric that it was this town's fault...but I used much more colorful language. For some reason the album didn't get released until Friday. So...call of them orbital bombardment... As for the album...I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far it has the feel of a sequel that falls flat. Like one of the Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Not bad - still entertaining - but lacking the originality and charm of the first.
3. Callie and I were accosted during the Downtown After Dinner "festivities" on Saturday night. I say that sarcastically as the only entertainment aside from a special performance of the Paducah Symphony, were two musical acts: 1 - a band playing 50s-60s era classics and 2 - some college guys doing barbershop quartet. No really. 10 years ago no frat boy would be caught dead singing in public. No high schoolers would willingly put on musicals and consider it cool. American Idol would have been booed off the air. Boy, do times change....
But I digress....so my niece and I were walking towards the river when this goofy looking chap in a big St. Louis Cardinals sweatshirt and Nikes hands her a fake million dollar bill with some sort of fundamentalist Christian stuff written on it. Then he proceeds to start asking us personal religious questions while his minions (a couple guys like him and some kids who looked like the type to hide in the bushes and shoot non-believers with blow-darts) essentially surrounded us and watched. He wanted to know if we had been rasied in a "good, Christian background" and what we thought happened to us when we die. Of course, our answers weren't good enough - especially the part about Purgatory, which he dismissed completely (and which should have been his first clue that he was dealing with those darn Cath'lics!). Instead he wore this vacant, fake smile - exposing teeth that featured food between nearly every one of them - a condescending nod followed by an equally condescending "yeah...yeah...well let me ask you this..." And his eyes....I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes...and this guy's eyes were empty and cold.... So, Callie quickly grew angry with this man's thinly veiled assault on our beliefs and accusatory nature and stopped responding completely, while I took up my own fake smile and condescending tone to match that of our new pal. Why yes, I HAVE told a lie before! Hmmm...well, I don't think I've stolen anything since I was a little kid. What's that you say? The Bible states that if you break the 10 Commandments you're doomed to Hell? Wow...how about that... Then he asks me if I've ever looked at a woman lustfully. Um...yeah...quite a bit, in fact. He replies that the Bible says if a man looks at a woman lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. (Doesn't at least one party have to be married for it to be adultery? And how exactly would any of us exist if at some point our fathers didn't look at our mothers lustfully?) He goes on that "knowing what the Bible says about that, what do you think is going to happen to you when you stand before God?" To which I laugh and reply "Well, it's not really up to me!" By this point, I'm losing patience. Callie looks like she's ready to slap someone. And now he's asking us why Jesus died and wanting to know how we participate in His sacrifice. We respond with Communion (his second clue that we're none other than those fiendish Cath'lics!) which earns us another fake nod and "right...right..." He started in on something else about sins that I was not paying attention to and Callie spunkily answered "that's why we go to Confession." And finally! Finally the light bulb goes off in Cardinals sweatshirt's head! He's got a couple of those Cath'lics on his hands! Immediately he stops his whole act, gives me a hand shake and says "I hope you make the right decision." And just like that he and his entourage moved on down the street. We kept seeing them the rest of the night going through the same routine with other groups of young people - mostly teenagers. Callie and I both look younger than we are, but unfortunately for him, we're not weak-minded or easily manipulated. If somebody wants to evangelize their religious beliefs, that's fine and dandy - but don't go around accusing young people, intimating that they're going to hell, picking apart their own beliefs, and basically acting like a holier-than-thou, conceited windbag. People like him give Christianity a bad name.
Afterwards I kept thinking of things Dr. House would have said to the guy. "Those Nikes you're wearing...were they made in the Mexican sweatshop or the one in Southeast Asia? And how is God going to feel about your promotion of the exploitation of children? Hmm...sounds like you could be in Hell with the rest of us."
During the whole thing, I kept thinking of the time on Family Guy when they wanted to potty train Stewie, so they went to the bookstore:
Storeclerk: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Peter: "Well, we're looking for a book to potty train our son."
Clerk: "Well, 'Everybody Poops' is still the standard."
Peter: "Ah, well...we're Catholic, so uh...."
Clerk: "Oh, then you need 'You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.'"
Okay...now to respond to Jason's comments from last week (which I just read last night)...
4. No, I haven't seen the Deadliest Warrior....so yes, you were ranting about a show I've never seen and yes, indeed, my references to Spartans and Pirates were completely unrelated. Sorry.
5. I haven't had the Reissdorf, but I've loved ever Kolsch I've ever tried. But I still don't like really hoppy beers and cannot drink pale ales of any kind (literally taste like soap to me).
6. Just to clarify - when I say that it sounds like a horse galloping when Killian runs across the deck...Killian's a cat.
Alright. That's all I have the patience for this morning.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
If you read this blog you can feed the self-esteem of an esteem-starved blogger
Look. If you people aren't going to comment on anything I write (and not to mention, keep sending me bad checks), I'm just going to stop writing my own brand of gibberish.
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)