Apparently You Can Return Beer

It seems apparent to me that they have 13 year olds creating all the commercials these days. Who else would think a Staples ad featuring a moron screaming "WOW! That's a LOW price!" over and over would be a good idea? And must I rehash my disgust and loathing of Flo from the Progressive commercials?

Did you know that you can return beer if you are unsatisfied with it? Well, perhaps it depends on the location and how well customers are treated there. Earlier in the week I purchased some Schlafly beer from my favorite local liquor store. I bought two different styles - Kolsch and the Summer Lager. I have had both previously and knew what they should and should not taste like. Unfortunately when I got home and tried each kind, I found that both tasted like cider and were rather flat. A cidery taste is often the result of adding too much sugar in the final conditioning stage. This often happens to home-brewers (yes, it happened to me). Because it happened with two different styles, the only thing I can figure is that Schlafly operates their process with a universal conditioning/bottling unit. In non-engineer-speak -- the different styles are brewed separately, then the liquid beer flows out of each tank and fills bottles. These bottles then travel along a conveyor belt along parallel or even the same path. Then they pass under some device which deposits a little extra sugar or other fermentable into each bottle which reacts with the leftover yeast to give beer that wonderful bubbly carbonation we all love. (And for the CO2-obsessed out there, this is naturally created CO2 from the chemical reaction. Large breweries like Budweiser actually pump CO2 straight into the bottle. Now, which one is more carbon-neutral and "green?" Can we consider beer bottles to be sinks for CO2? But aren't all large corporations like Budweiser evil? So pumping CO2 into beer from the surroundings must be evil...right?)

Speaking of CO2 - I haven't shared my simple idea for fixing the whole CO2 emissions thing. First, I'd like to once again point out that there are more than sufficient reasons for finding new energy sources and cleaning up pollution without even touching the CO2/climate change thing. The CO2/climate change thing has become nothing more than a politicized bulldozer for pushing through some factions' agendas. It's all about power and control. Create fear, push through the agenda that you want, and gain control. But I digress....

If we really want to get rid of CO2...why not create plants that have accelerated photosynthetic cycles to consume the excess CO2? We can genetically manipulate plants to grow faster, taller, resist disease, produce hybrid fruits, sing songs, and scare away burglars. Why not just make super-ravenous plants? Then we wouldn't have to have Cap and Trade, or bring America's economy down to the level of the rest of the world, or punish people for being successful, or have one world government, or have a massive federal government involved in every aspect of each individual's life. Just make the damn plants and let them do what God meant for them to do: Consume CO2 and produce oxygen. Oh...and let's also stop clear-cutting the Amazon while we're at it. Thanks.

Oh, just a reminder from our fearless leader -- information is a distraction. Yes, we wouldn't want people having too much information...they might get confused...better to just let the government decide for us which sources of information are true and accurate. (Psst....in case no one else is noticing, the feds are moving to make internet providers public utilities. This means they can regulate the internet without having to institute Net Neutrality. Ah, but I digress again...)

Has Orwell's 1984 been banned yet? I figure it's a little like a football team having it's playbook left on an airport bench.

Wait a minute...wasn't I talking about cidery beer? So, my beer was nasty. I didn't think there was anything that could be done other than complain to the brewery (like they were really going to throw out an entire production line of beer because someone got their flowrates wrong) and let the liquor store know of the problem. Yesterday I went in and explained to them what happened. They said they hadn't gotten any other complaints and seemed a little skeptical. They even asked if maybe the beer is supposed to taste that way. Kolsch and Summer lagers are NOT supposed to taste like flat cider. You know what IS supposed to taste like flat cider? Screwed up batches of beer that need to be thrown away. I was pleasantly surprised when the manager said I could bring the rest in for credit. Hopefully he doesn't forget that between now and the next time I can get in there with my cidery beer. The lesson: While Schlafly is one of my favorite micro-breweries -- steer clear of their products for the time being.

Ah, Spring...

The season of new hope, new life, new love, new possibilities. And pollen and scratchy throats and eyes and the heart of the football off-season when September seems so far away and the wretched NBA season drags on mercilessly with its insipid Sportscenter highlights. Good thing there's spring football, the NFL draft, and lots of amazing spring-time beers to get us through!

The following beers are current must-trys: (in no particular order)
1. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (a classic standby that I just happen to be really enjoying lately)
2. Sierra Nevada Glissade (a golden bock that goes down smooth but has some substance to it)
3. Sam Adam's Noble Pils (delightfully refreshing and dangerously easy to drink)
4. Harpoon Irish Red (one of the better seasonal Irish Red's I've had in a while)
5. Schlafly's Pale Ale (fast becoming one of my favorite breweries - everything they produce is pure gold!)

Meanwhile, the dismantling of the Republic continues....the despicable health care bill...next on the target list - the banking system and the value added tax. Yeah, more taxes on businesses will surely help the economy. Oh, but I keep forgetting - profits are WRONG and business people are by nature evil and should be ashamed of their wealth (I'm being sarcastic...others are not).

I haven't seen any movies since the holidays, so don't even ask for my thoughts on any recent releases. But just like in years past, the January-March period brings about this bizarre and insanity-inducing massive advertising blitz on every channel, every commercial break for weeks leading up to each release. You may recall last year certain movies' ads became stuck in my head because I would be pummeled with them nonstop. And they're always terrible movies. 12 Rounds with John Cena. Remember that gem? "I'm gonna hunt you down and I'm gonna kill you!" See! The stupid lines are STILL stuck in my head from seeing the commercial literally every 15 minutes each night for 2-3 weeks!

Okay, so a short blog every month is better than no blogs for multiple months, right? Take care until next time, dear readers. And don't let life lull you to sleep...you might miss it.

The Fun in Fundamentalism

Yes, I neglected my blog for a week. It was finals week and it would have been quite irresponsible of me to be here writing goofball blogs instead of cramming in the last bits of a semester's worth of information. I don't have one specific topic of conversation this morning - which will surely annoy the stodgiest of you out there. Yeah...you know who you are...with your obsessive love for policies and procedures and mission statements and meetings and reports and action-plans and files and gladhanding....I shall break through the wall and reach you someday...and you shall be free....

Sooooo....I'll just continue with the numbered random thoughts, as that seemed to work well last time:

1. My new Beers of the Week: Shiner Blonde -- apparently you cannot get it in Western Kentucky, but if you travel into Southern Illinois, and get a little lucky, you can find it in gas stations and liquor stores alike. It is easily my favorite of the Shiner brews. It also has a special place in my heart as I discovered it during the Ice Storm this winter. My first memories of it are tied in with memories of grilling and laughing under the dull roar of a generator with my brothers and sister-in-law. Making fond memories out of frozen lemons.

My other recommendation is one I actually haven't yet tried (but it is on deck for this evening): Fat Tire by New Belgium. I've heard great things about it for a long time, but for some reason it seems like I could never find it around here.

2. I picked up the new Green Day album this weekend. Normally new albums/DVDs come out on Tuesdays. So last Tuesday I found myself fuming that I couldn't find it in Best Buy or at Wal-Mart. I even ranted to Aric that it was this town's fault...but I used much more colorful language. For some reason the album didn't get released until Friday. So...call of them orbital bombardment... As for the album...I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far it has the feel of a sequel that falls flat. Like one of the Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Not bad - still entertaining - but lacking the originality and charm of the first.

3. Callie and I were accosted during the Downtown After Dinner "festivities" on Saturday night. I say that sarcastically as the only entertainment aside from a special performance of the Paducah Symphony, were two musical acts: 1 - a band playing 50s-60s era classics and 2 - some college guys doing barbershop quartet. No really. 10 years ago no frat boy would be caught dead singing in public. No high schoolers would willingly put on musicals and consider it cool. American Idol would have been booed off the air. Boy, do times change....

But I digress....so my niece and I were walking towards the river when this goofy looking chap in a big St. Louis Cardinals sweatshirt and Nikes hands her a fake million dollar bill with some sort of fundamentalist Christian stuff written on it. Then he proceeds to start asking us personal religious questions while his minions (a couple guys like him and some kids who looked like the type to hide in the bushes and shoot non-believers with blow-darts) essentially surrounded us and watched. He wanted to know if we had been rasied in a "good, Christian background" and what we thought happened to us when we die. Of course, our answers weren't good enough - especially the part about Purgatory, which he dismissed completely (and which should have been his first clue that he was dealing with those darn Cath'lics!). Instead he wore this vacant, fake smile - exposing teeth that featured food between nearly every one of them - a condescending nod followed by an equally condescending "yeah...yeah...well let me ask you this..." And his eyes....I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes...and this guy's eyes were empty and cold.... So, Callie quickly grew angry with this man's thinly veiled assault on our beliefs and accusatory nature and stopped responding completely, while I took up my own fake smile and condescending tone to match that of our new pal. Why yes, I HAVE told a lie before! Hmmm...well, I don't think I've stolen anything since I was a little kid. What's that you say? The Bible states that if you break the 10 Commandments you're doomed to Hell? Wow...how about that... Then he asks me if I've ever looked at a woman lustfully. Um...yeah...quite a bit, in fact. He replies that the Bible says if a man looks at a woman lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. (Doesn't at least one party have to be married for it to be adultery? And how exactly would any of us exist if at some point our fathers didn't look at our mothers lustfully?) He goes on that "knowing what the Bible says about that, what do you think is going to happen to you when you stand before God?" To which I laugh and reply "Well, it's not really up to me!" By this point, I'm losing patience. Callie looks like she's ready to slap someone. And now he's asking us why Jesus died and wanting to know how we participate in His sacrifice. We respond with Communion (his second clue that we're none other than those fiendish Cath'lics!) which earns us another fake nod and "right...right..." He started in on something else about sins that I was not paying attention to and Callie spunkily answered "that's why we go to Confession." And finally! Finally the light bulb goes off in Cardinals sweatshirt's head! He's got a couple of those Cath'lics on his hands! Immediately he stops his whole act, gives me a hand shake and says "I hope you make the right decision." And just like that he and his entourage moved on down the street. We kept seeing them the rest of the night going through the same routine with other groups of young people - mostly teenagers. Callie and I both look younger than we are, but unfortunately for him, we're not weak-minded or easily manipulated. If somebody wants to evangelize their religious beliefs, that's fine and dandy - but don't go around accusing young people, intimating that they're going to hell, picking apart their own beliefs, and basically acting like a holier-than-thou, conceited windbag. People like him give Christianity a bad name.

Afterwards I kept thinking of things Dr. House would have said to the guy. "Those Nikes you're wearing...were they made in the Mexican sweatshop or the one in Southeast Asia? And how is God going to feel about your promotion of the exploitation of children? Hmm...sounds like you could be in Hell with the rest of us."

During the whole thing, I kept thinking of the time on Family Guy when they wanted to potty train Stewie, so they went to the bookstore:
Storeclerk: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Peter: "Well, we're looking for a book to potty train our son."
Clerk: "Well, 'Everybody Poops' is still the standard."
Peter: "Ah, well...we're Catholic, so uh...."
Clerk: "Oh, then you need 'You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.'"

Okay...now to respond to Jason's comments from last week (which I just read last night)...

4. No, I haven't seen the Deadliest Warrior....so yes, you were ranting about a show I've never seen and yes, indeed, my references to Spartans and Pirates were completely unrelated. Sorry.

5. I haven't had the Reissdorf, but I've loved ever Kolsch I've ever tried. But I still don't like really hoppy beers and cannot drink pale ales of any kind (literally taste like soap to me).

6. Just to clarify - when I say that it sounds like a horse galloping when Killian runs across the deck...Killian's a cat.

Alright. That's all I have the patience for this morning.

Fresh Beer and Dismembering Nazis

So Quentin Tarantino's new film, Inglorious Basterds, is coming out in a few months. I caught the trailer online the other day. Basically the movie is about a group of Jewish-American soldiers in World War II who are dropped into Nazi occupied France with the purpose of brutally slaying, mauling, scalping, and otherwise killing Nazi troops. So, uh.....why no outcry that it glorifies brutal torture from a certain segment of society? What if the movie were set during modern times, say a group of Navy SEALs sent out to hunt down and disembowel terrorists, creating fear and terror amongst those who make it their life-mission to bring fear and terror to others? Well, I can imagine it would be publically slammed (by a certain segment of society) as horrible and despicable and would be boycotted -- or at the very least there'd be some nut saying "See! This is what evil America does to people in real life!"

But what is the difference here? Why is it okay for Brad Pitt and his buddies to scalp Nazis, but if Pitt was killing Osama Bin Laden it would be politically incorrect and offensive? Doesn't anyone else see the disconnect here? Some of the same people who freak out over waterboarding at Gitmo and love to brand the US as capable of only actions that are evil or wrong or reprehensible will go and see Inglorious Basterds and laugh and say "man, that was awesome." And they'd probably have no issues (or mere minor grumblings) if the story were true and we actually did send troops over to brutalize Nazis and cut swastikas into the foreheads of the survivors. Perhaps that's because Nazis have no political clout today. There's no political power to be gained from defending them. Or from victimizing them. Yes - just imagine that. Nazis being painted as victims. But some people in this world do it all the time with other just-as-evil groups/individuals.

Ah, well...enough of that. The movie looks like it has potential to be good. I can't even recall the last Tarantino movie that I saw...much less one that was decent.

Since Lent is over and I can have beer again, my tastes have been renewed and my enjoyment of beer reinvigorated. Yesterday I stopped in to pick up some new beer (my stocks are virtually depleted) and resisted the temptation (and the risk) of buying imports that could possibly be 9 months past their Best Before date. I was looking at some Tennent's, but could not find a date anywhere on the bottle and so passed it by. Instead I bought more Sam Adams White Ale and decided to give Schlafly's Summer Lager a try. The Schlafly's is excellent. An exceptional summer/spring brew. And for me, what was almost as good as the taste was the writing on the bottom of the lable: "Bottled With Love On: 03/30/09." That means the very beer I was drinking was only a few weeks old. And fresh beer is infinitely better than old skunky beer.