File this under things you don't see you every day:
So the other day I was driving home on the interstate. I was in the left lane and just in front and to my right was a white pickup truck. Traffic was pretty heavy (for around here). I happened to notice something dangling from underneath the truck's front axle. It looked rather like a snake to me and my imagination began to picture it as such a creature clinging to the underside of the truck, having just awoken, and wondering "This is going to be a bad day." But I soon reasoned that it was springing up and down too stiffly to be a snake and had to be a wire or cable of some sort. However, as the truck and I moved along down the road I noticed the cable started to dangle further and further - and bounce more and more with the turbulence of the road. I thought to myself that the cable was likely important and it would be bad if it fell off completely. A few seconds later, it did fall off. As it came out from under the truck I was stunned to see that it had indeed been a snake all along! It appeared that the semi immediately behind us took care of the snake, but the lasting impression of a snake hanging out on the underside of one's vehicle has stuck with me ever since. As I passed the truck I looked over at the guy and thought "Dude, you have no idea..."
I saw the Russell Crowe movie Robin Hood last week. It was pretty good...not on the level of Gladiator by any means, but worth seeing. It was definitely better than Iron Man 2, which halfway through I realized that nothing interesting had really occurred yet. And then nothing interesting really occurred in the second half. I can't even think of any other big movies coming out this summer. Or at least "big" in terms of movies that I would actually go see. So, whatever Twilight and Harry Potter sequels they're on now do not fall into that category. I've found that it really takes a lot these days for a movie to impress me. Either I'm getting older and it takes more to amuse me, or the quality of movies in general continues to decline. I'm thinking it's likely a combination of the two factors.
Of course, Hollywood ran out of ideas long ago. Now we unfortunately live in an age dominated by phony computer-generated special effects and formulaic corporate-Hollywood plots. Give me scale models and guys in latex masks any day over effects that obviously look computer generated. I don't care how "real" the CGI looks -- it still is obviously CGI and thus fake.
I've heard that there is a movie version of Stephen King's the Dark Tower in the works. Somehow I'm sure it will be a total Hollywood disaster. Now if they were to give the project to Christopher Nolan (one of the very few people in Hollywood I'd trust with any project), then we could have something special...
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Housecleaning and Best Fight Scenes
First - the housecleaning:
1. If you want some good insight on the evils of socialized health care (which is essentially what government run health care is), I suggest reading anything Stuart Varney has to say on the subject. He's an excellent journalist who lived in Great Britain and experienced socialized/nationalized/whatever term you prefer health care firsthand. Now he sees it coming our way.
On a personal note, while I have complained about my health insurance rates going up in recent years, I still do not want to see my provider run out of business by an undercutting government program. If there's a new massive government program out there at a cheaper rate, corporations are going to look at the numbers and start dumping Blue Cross Blue Shield and other private providers. Just like in The Office when they made Michael Scott pick the cheapest plan for his branch (but then he gave the duty to Dwight, who picked the worst plan imaginable). Also, it would be expected for the government (especially this government) to offer incentives to corporations and other groups to join the new government plan. Sure, you can keep your private plan....as long as that private company still exists. (as I often say, you can hardly ever take a politician at their word -- just because they say they're doing one thing, doesn't mean it's true. When some scam artist is bilking a kindly grandmother out of her life savings, he doesn't say "hey, I'm going to steal from you now." Instead he says "Oh, no, I'm not stealing from you - I'm here to help. That's just silly talk. I'm here to help you!"
As BCBS and others lose corporations, they have to find a way to stay afloat. So, perhaps they make up their losses by raising individual plan rates (like mine) to the point that we individuals can no longer afford to keep our plans...and are forced to join the inferior government plan. Soon BCBS and its kin are dinosaurs - fossilizing in ancient river beds for future combustion, followed by demonization as the cause of future cyclical climate change which is then politicized and used as a means to gain power and control. Then we face two extremes: Massive over-crowding in our doctors' offices and hospitals as people seek medical attention for every little ache and pain ("I kinda have a headache, I need an MRI") OR rationing of procedures, tests, and exams as government bureaucrats (lovingly called "central planners" by some people not fond of the current administration) make the decisions on whether or not you are deserving of such care.
2. Hmm....I wrote the previous part of this several days ago...now I've entirely forgotten what the other "housecleaning" issues were....
Okay -- onto the Best Fight Scenes. Recently I took part in a random discussion about the best movie fight scenes. These could be considered for a variety of reasons - such as the action itself, the characters involved, length, comedic factor, etc. Here are some of the favorites (in no particular order):
1. (They Live) --- Roddy Piper versus Keith David -- a cult-classic 80s sci-fi/horror movie about alien invaders who look like humans and whose true hideous appearance can only be seen when one is wearing cool-for-the-80s black sunglasses. These two have a ridiculously long fight-scene that harkens to Piper's day job as a pro wrestler.
2. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) -- Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader --- the epic duel that ultimately leaves Anakin's charred and limbless form lying beside a river of lava remains one of the few things George Lucas has gotten right in the last couple of decades.
3. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs himself (literally) --- Norton's character beats himself up in order to keep his annoying boss off his back...and also bilks the company out of a nice settlement. I'm sure there are millions of us who have seriously considered pulling this stunt, but never had the guts to go through with it.
4. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs Jared Leto --- Ah...there's something so satisfying about seeing pretty boy actors getting their fictional faces smashed.
5. (Snatch) -- Mickey (Brad Pitt) vs Gorgeous George --- George is a trained bare-knuckle boxer who gets knocked out cold by one punch from Mickey the unassuming gypsey. Good times. Excellent director's work, in my opinion.
6. (Happy Gilmore) -- Happy vs Bob Barker -- how can one not enjoy the octogenarian Price Is Right host trading punches (and crass one-liners) with Adam Sandler? It's just the kind of silly fantasy young men would dream up while goofing around in the backyard: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Adam Sandler fought Bob Barker?" "Oh dude! That's awesome!"
7. (Snatch) -- Mickey vs whoever-he-was-fighting-at-the-end-of-the-movie -- I can't recall who the opponent was, but the brawl that Mickey was intentionally losing only to ulimately win at the last second and complete his revenge against Bricktop is another fantastic element to a truly great film.
8. (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) -- Obi Wan and Qui Gon vs Darth Maul --- while the rest of the movie was largely a disappointment (and dismal commentary on George Lucas' handling of one of the most beloved franchises of all time), the lightsaber duel at the end was worth watching. Unfortunately two of the only three cool characters in the entire movie are killed off.
9. (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) -- Indy vs a bunch of Nazis on a moving tank -- One of my all-time favorite movies has a really under-appreciated scene where Indy must rescue his father from inside "the belly of that steel beast" (a pre-WWII era tank). Indy hangs by his satchel from a cannon-barrel, he shoots through multiple Nazi soldiers at the same time with a Luger, he even leaps off the thing at the last second just as it goes over a cliff. What more could you ask for? (besides a 4th Indy movie that wasn't epically ruined by Lucas, Spielberg, and Shia LaBeouf)
10. (Lord of the Rings) -- Gandalf vs the Balrog --- Go ahead. Say the line. Surely you've had a few drinks and stood in front of the bathroom door and said to your buddy "You shall not pass!" Okay, even I haven't done that. Anyway, my inner dork really likes this confrontation. Also I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Mr. Herbert (a.k.a. - the perverted old man) says the line to a giant, evil, living tree that is attacking Chris Griffin (or whom Herbert once called "the muscly-armed paperboy").
11. (Predator) -- Ah-nold vs the Predator -- "You are one ugly...." As if this classic didn't have enough memorable lines ("Get to the chopp-ah!") and scenes, who can forget the epic slugfest between a mud-encrusted Arnold (still in his prime) and one of the greatest movie aliens of all time? There is actually something in the male DNA that prevents us from ever growing bored with this movie. Seriously.
12. (Anchorman) -- the news-team gang battle royale -- without this scene the movie is significantly less funny. Steve Carrell's character kills a guy....with a trident....after that he lays low for a while.
13. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) -- King Arthur vs the Black Knight -- "it's just a fleshwound!" And I don't think I need to say anything else.
14. (300) -- Spartans vs innumerable hordes of Persians -- Isn't the whole movie basically one big awesome fight scene? It's impossible to pick just one scene or particular fight. So, I'm lumping all the fight scenes together for the purposes of this list. Prepare for glory!
15. (Kill Bill Part 1) -- The Bride vs The Crazy 88 -- Though I haven't seen this movie in at least 5 years, I can still recall this brutal and very Tarantino-ish bloodbath as being an excellent fight scene. Extra points for the hot-girl-with-a-sword angle.
16. (The Bourne Ultimatum) -- Jason Bourne vs motorcycle guy -- This fight scene set a new bar for realistic and gritty action filmmaking. A hallmark of Bourne movie fights is that, as in real life, the winner of the fight rarely walks away unscathed. There were several other amazing Bourne fight scenes I could include on this list...but I'm confused as to which movie they were in and who he was fighting and why....one was in an apartment against another assassin....hmmm.....
17. (Troy) -- Achilles vs Hector -- two of the ancient world's greatest warriors do battle at the gates of Troy, regrettably one must die. I still can't stomach the end of the film, however, when worthless, conniving, no-good Paris/Orlando Bloom shoots his little arrows. If I'd be directing that movie we would have changed the story around a little more and none of that crap would have happened!
18. (Gladiator) -- Russell Crowe vs anyone put in his way -- I can't even begin to sort through all the great fight scenes in this one. So, I won't bother. You've seen the movie. You know what I mean.
Okay....I'm out of top-of-the-head and stolen-from-the-discussion fight scenes. Feel free to add your own and even rank them if you wish. I'm positive there are dozens of great ones I've neglected to add.
1. If you want some good insight on the evils of socialized health care (which is essentially what government run health care is), I suggest reading anything Stuart Varney has to say on the subject. He's an excellent journalist who lived in Great Britain and experienced socialized/nationalized/whatever term you prefer health care firsthand. Now he sees it coming our way.
On a personal note, while I have complained about my health insurance rates going up in recent years, I still do not want to see my provider run out of business by an undercutting government program. If there's a new massive government program out there at a cheaper rate, corporations are going to look at the numbers and start dumping Blue Cross Blue Shield and other private providers. Just like in The Office when they made Michael Scott pick the cheapest plan for his branch (but then he gave the duty to Dwight, who picked the worst plan imaginable). Also, it would be expected for the government (especially this government) to offer incentives to corporations and other groups to join the new government plan. Sure, you can keep your private plan....as long as that private company still exists. (as I often say, you can hardly ever take a politician at their word -- just because they say they're doing one thing, doesn't mean it's true. When some scam artist is bilking a kindly grandmother out of her life savings, he doesn't say "hey, I'm going to steal from you now." Instead he says "Oh, no, I'm not stealing from you - I'm here to help. That's just silly talk. I'm here to help you!"
As BCBS and others lose corporations, they have to find a way to stay afloat. So, perhaps they make up their losses by raising individual plan rates (like mine) to the point that we individuals can no longer afford to keep our plans...and are forced to join the inferior government plan. Soon BCBS and its kin are dinosaurs - fossilizing in ancient river beds for future combustion, followed by demonization as the cause of future cyclical climate change which is then politicized and used as a means to gain power and control. Then we face two extremes: Massive over-crowding in our doctors' offices and hospitals as people seek medical attention for every little ache and pain ("I kinda have a headache, I need an MRI") OR rationing of procedures, tests, and exams as government bureaucrats (lovingly called "central planners" by some people not fond of the current administration) make the decisions on whether or not you are deserving of such care.
2. Hmm....I wrote the previous part of this several days ago...now I've entirely forgotten what the other "housecleaning" issues were....
Okay -- onto the Best Fight Scenes. Recently I took part in a random discussion about the best movie fight scenes. These could be considered for a variety of reasons - such as the action itself, the characters involved, length, comedic factor, etc. Here are some of the favorites (in no particular order):
1. (They Live) --- Roddy Piper versus Keith David -- a cult-classic 80s sci-fi/horror movie about alien invaders who look like humans and whose true hideous appearance can only be seen when one is wearing cool-for-the-80s black sunglasses. These two have a ridiculously long fight-scene that harkens to Piper's day job as a pro wrestler.
2. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) -- Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader --- the epic duel that ultimately leaves Anakin's charred and limbless form lying beside a river of lava remains one of the few things George Lucas has gotten right in the last couple of decades.
3. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs himself (literally) --- Norton's character beats himself up in order to keep his annoying boss off his back...and also bilks the company out of a nice settlement. I'm sure there are millions of us who have seriously considered pulling this stunt, but never had the guts to go through with it.
4. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs Jared Leto --- Ah...there's something so satisfying about seeing pretty boy actors getting their fictional faces smashed.
5. (Snatch) -- Mickey (Brad Pitt) vs Gorgeous George --- George is a trained bare-knuckle boxer who gets knocked out cold by one punch from Mickey the unassuming gypsey. Good times. Excellent director's work, in my opinion.
6. (Happy Gilmore) -- Happy vs Bob Barker -- how can one not enjoy the octogenarian Price Is Right host trading punches (and crass one-liners) with Adam Sandler? It's just the kind of silly fantasy young men would dream up while goofing around in the backyard: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Adam Sandler fought Bob Barker?" "Oh dude! That's awesome!"
7. (Snatch) -- Mickey vs whoever-he-was-fighting-at-the-end-of-the-movie -- I can't recall who the opponent was, but the brawl that Mickey was intentionally losing only to ulimately win at the last second and complete his revenge against Bricktop is another fantastic element to a truly great film.
8. (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) -- Obi Wan and Qui Gon vs Darth Maul --- while the rest of the movie was largely a disappointment (and dismal commentary on George Lucas' handling of one of the most beloved franchises of all time), the lightsaber duel at the end was worth watching. Unfortunately two of the only three cool characters in the entire movie are killed off.
9. (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) -- Indy vs a bunch of Nazis on a moving tank -- One of my all-time favorite movies has a really under-appreciated scene where Indy must rescue his father from inside "the belly of that steel beast" (a pre-WWII era tank). Indy hangs by his satchel from a cannon-barrel, he shoots through multiple Nazi soldiers at the same time with a Luger, he even leaps off the thing at the last second just as it goes over a cliff. What more could you ask for? (besides a 4th Indy movie that wasn't epically ruined by Lucas, Spielberg, and Shia LaBeouf)
10. (Lord of the Rings) -- Gandalf vs the Balrog --- Go ahead. Say the line. Surely you've had a few drinks and stood in front of the bathroom door and said to your buddy "You shall not pass!" Okay, even I haven't done that. Anyway, my inner dork really likes this confrontation. Also I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Mr. Herbert (a.k.a. - the perverted old man) says the line to a giant, evil, living tree that is attacking Chris Griffin (or whom Herbert once called "the muscly-armed paperboy").
11. (Predator) -- Ah-nold vs the Predator -- "You are one ugly...." As if this classic didn't have enough memorable lines ("Get to the chopp-ah!") and scenes, who can forget the epic slugfest between a mud-encrusted Arnold (still in his prime) and one of the greatest movie aliens of all time? There is actually something in the male DNA that prevents us from ever growing bored with this movie. Seriously.
12. (Anchorman) -- the news-team gang battle royale -- without this scene the movie is significantly less funny. Steve Carrell's character kills a guy....with a trident....after that he lays low for a while.
13. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) -- King Arthur vs the Black Knight -- "it's just a fleshwound!" And I don't think I need to say anything else.
14. (300) -- Spartans vs innumerable hordes of Persians -- Isn't the whole movie basically one big awesome fight scene? It's impossible to pick just one scene or particular fight. So, I'm lumping all the fight scenes together for the purposes of this list. Prepare for glory!
15. (Kill Bill Part 1) -- The Bride vs The Crazy 88 -- Though I haven't seen this movie in at least 5 years, I can still recall this brutal and very Tarantino-ish bloodbath as being an excellent fight scene. Extra points for the hot-girl-with-a-sword angle.
16. (The Bourne Ultimatum) -- Jason Bourne vs motorcycle guy -- This fight scene set a new bar for realistic and gritty action filmmaking. A hallmark of Bourne movie fights is that, as in real life, the winner of the fight rarely walks away unscathed. There were several other amazing Bourne fight scenes I could include on this list...but I'm confused as to which movie they were in and who he was fighting and why....one was in an apartment against another assassin....hmmm.....
17. (Troy) -- Achilles vs Hector -- two of the ancient world's greatest warriors do battle at the gates of Troy, regrettably one must die. I still can't stomach the end of the film, however, when worthless, conniving, no-good Paris/Orlando Bloom shoots his little arrows. If I'd be directing that movie we would have changed the story around a little more and none of that crap would have happened!
18. (Gladiator) -- Russell Crowe vs anyone put in his way -- I can't even begin to sort through all the great fight scenes in this one. So, I won't bother. You've seen the movie. You know what I mean.
Okay....I'm out of top-of-the-head and stolen-from-the-discussion fight scenes. Feel free to add your own and even rank them if you wish. I'm positive there are dozens of great ones I've neglected to add.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Pseudo-UFOs and Movie Dissatisfaction
I hope everyone had a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Except for those jerks who woke me up Saturday night at 1AM in their airboat with all the searchlights and the stupid droning generator. It was the sort of thing a less intelligent individual might have taken for a UFO landing. It started with hearing the noise in my sleep. Then I began gradually waking up in stages - at first thinking it was just a helicopter going overhead. But once fully awake I realized what was going on. The sweeping lights through the trees that entered my bedroom window were not the spotlights of passing helicopters (military or search and rescue) nor were they the pre-abduction lights of an alien craft. Looking down through the trees to the lake I saw the small boat with its ring of powerful lights - each reflecting off of the water, creating the illusion of a second ring. The boat was nearly on shore and while the sleep-annihilating roar of the airboat motor had ceased, the annoying drone of a generator could still be heard. Over the noise of that, however, I could also hear the guys on the boat chattering to each other. These same characters had been here before - a couple of weeks ago - but with a less noisy motor, no generator, and at 9PM rather than 1AM. I actually considered firing a gun into the air to convince them to leave. But they soon left on their own.
I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.
One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):
"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.
The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."
I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).
I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.
In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.
Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.
I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.
One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):
"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.
The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."
I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).
I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.
In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.
Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
If you read this blog you can feed the self-esteem of an esteem-starved blogger
Look. If you people aren't going to comment on anything I write (and not to mention, keep sending me bad checks), I'm just going to stop writing my own brand of gibberish.
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)