Irritant Interview

We're coming to you live from the sidelines where a veritable rogues gallery of Irritants have assembled themselves here on this field of battle to pester, frustrate, annoy, enrage, and otherwise upset our regular intrepid writer. (Before anyone begins with the snide remarks about how none of the following is all that important or significant in the grand scheme of things and that our dear friend should control himself like a walking robot devoid of emotions - please note that we here at The Evil Grin recognize the insignificance of life's little annoyances and that this entire blog is meant to entertain and amuse, so please...just relax.)

It's nearly halftime now and here come the mosquitoes - bathed in Rick's blood as they leave the field. We go to our sideline reporter, the lovely Kate Beckinsale in her leather catsuit. And for our Human Resources department, notice that I in no way implied, insinuated, or stated that the catsuit made her appear sexy, "hot," or attractive in any manner. I simply made a factual observation that she is wearing a leather catsuit. My statement was no more harassing than if I were to point out that someone's pet chimpanzee were wearing a diaper.

Kate: The mosquitoes have just finished ravaging Rick's ankles while he was outside lamenting the condition of his tomato plants. All summer long these mosquitoes have been on the attack, morning, noon, and night with no apparent need for rest or other interests besides following Rick around and slowly draining him of bodily fluids.

Sounds like he'd prefer to have you following him around....

Kate: Yes, I think that would be fairly obvious. The mosquitoes are now going to lurk here on the sidelines until Rick ventures outside again. Mosquitoes, tell us, how effective were you at irritating Rick?

Mosquitoes: Oh man, it was great! We knew he was going to come out and check on those tomato plants, right? So we made a plan with the plants to team up on him. While he was busy getting frustrated with them we hit him from below. We focused on his ankles on purpose, you see? That way there would be the added irritation of wondering WHY we only chewed on his ankles! In his mind, it was almost as if we did it on purpose - which takes the frustration value to a whole 'nother level!

Kate: I see. He did seem quite aggravated as he tried to combat you fellows while also dealing with the plants. I hear the tomato plants really have been giving Rick trouble lately. For more on that, let's go back to our soon-to-be-blacklisted-for-sexual-harassment-analyst in the booth.

Thanks, Kate. We'll always have that time you passed out at the Christmas party. What? You don't remember that? Awww, that's a shame.... Anyway, yes, the tomato plants have been a great irritant lately as nothing Rick does seems to be keeping them healthy. First there were soil problems, then a case of black spot blight, then drainage issues, then more blight, and recently the dreaded Hornworm invasion began. Now some of the plants are just about beyond saving and others appear headed towards imminent doom. Just as the mosquitoes were settling in at the Rick buffet, he noticed that one of the healthier (and more productive) plants had, for no apparent reason, split down the middle under the weight of all the fruit it was bearing. It seems there's just no winning this season with the tomato plants. Rick thought he'd learned a lot from last season and that this year would see marked improvement. But that has not been the case. Truly frustrating.

Let's recap the first half of today's matchup: The onslaught began when Rick awoke at 5AM unable to sleep due to fighting cats and indigestion. The cats have been going at it all week and both appear to be staking claim to Rick's person. The indigestion has not gone away today, like a little old lady holding onto a marble rye - it just won't give up. Then chemistry joined the fray with it's seemingly pointless and confusing-just-for-the-sake-of-being-confusing subject matter. Do they ever explain how to make penicillin or plastic or clean water? No, just more calculus and irritating X-Y graphs that only seem useful to people who see the world in X-Y graph form. But Rick does not see the world in X-Y graph form -- when he sees a tree, he sees a tree! Not a series of points on a graph with a mindless curve and an insipid slope and a made-up-mumbo-jumbo natural log! These things do not matter! They have no place in reality! A sine curve means nothing! But a fist through a computer screen means everything!

Oh...he's fully enraged now. They've blown the whistle for halftime and they are trying to placate him and get him off of the field before he starts breaking things. He's hungry and the day is slipping away from him and I can see that desperate gleam in his eyes! He's pummeling the referees now. It appears he's filling one's mouth with polysporin, the same substance that has caused the allergic outbreak on his forehead. Please remove small children from the room! He has his chemistry textbook now....he's screaming at the crowd....he's pointing....I keep hearing something about how most of the people in this world are idiots....now he's punted the textbook and is running towards one end of the stadium. He appears to be headed towards some sort of large, tarp-covered object. He's removing the tarp...it's a van or truck of some kind. There's writing on the side.....it says, "Roving Gas Chambers: The Cure For Idiocy and Human Cancers - Because SLaughter is the Best Medicine." Oh, he stole that bit about slaughter from The Dark Knight! What a cheap bastard! He's doing donuts in the middle of the stadium now. Now he's headed for the sidelines! He just mowed over the mosquitoes! They're splattered all over the windshield! How he can still see to run over the tomato plants and chemistry books I can't fathom, but he's doing it! Now his bills are on the run! He's a madman, ladies and gentlemen! He's exiting the stadium! He's loose! My God, he's loose!

(We here at The Evil Grin would like to thank you for indulging us in another good idea gone wrong. As always, we're working to not over-think these things and instead allow them to develop naturally...but not in a "Green" cult kind of way. The Green cult can die in a fire. Perhaps we here at The Evil Grin need to go eat something before we go off the deep end of the Hitler pool.)