Robot Adriana Limas and Visions of the Future

Somewhere around the severe thunderstorm we had last night and getting up to let Killian in from the lightning, wind, and rain, I had some really bad nightmares. In one I nearly had a heart attack as my heart was beating at an incredibly unhealthy pace - I just hope it was only beating that fast in the dream and not in real life as well. Because if it was...I may have done some damage to it. What observations can one make that would indicate a damaged heart? These are things everyone should know and not just medical professionals. Oh sure - "just go to the doctor." Have you tried making doctor appointments before? If you have a serious medical problem and call the doctor's office, chances are they're going to say "hmm....well, we can fit you in 3 weeks from next Tuesday." "Gee thanks, but uh, I think the infection in my foot will have either killed me or just taken the rest of my body hostage like a Somali pirate by then. So, if you have something a little sooner...like in a couple of hours maybe...that would be great..." Robots. I want medical robots. Millions of them. One in every home! Think C3PO from Star Wars but with Dr. House-ish medical knowledge. And maybe Adriana Lima's voice....

Why not just completely model them after her? Robot Adriana Limas with massive medical knowledge following you around all the time, answering every little query you have about the human body, measuring and analyzing all the little obervations you make about your own body's functioning (what? that's just me?), telling you how great you look in a polo shirt and golf shorts, giving you a massage, laughing at your jokes, doing all the driving for you...truly a miracle of modern science! Then an upgraded model could have an indestructible metal skeleton - like the Terminator - and be programmed to defend you from street gangs, killers, thieves, and other such evils that lurk in big cities. Just imagine -- being able to walk through congested, crowded, dangerous urban metropolises with the carefree stride of all the millions of people who seem to naively walk carefree through such cities! And with an impervious robot Adriana Lima at your side who finds your goofy, off-the-wall banter hilariously charming and endearing. It's the sort of future-world dream that American dreamers used to dream about....before the cynicism and societal cannibalism of the last few decades.

There was a time when dreamers looked toward the future and saw flying cars, utopic cities with smiling families, moon bases, rocket sleds, friendly aliens who were actually both little and green and who spoke in silly voices and floated around in tiny spacesuits with ridiculously impractical clear, glass space helmets complete with antennae. But lately the only futures we seem to dream about involve nuclear holocaust, disease, poverty, human isolation, eternally overcast skies and every major city resembling Detroit in Robocop, creepy gray aliens who either want to perform experiments on us, wipe us out, or control us for their own nefarious intergalactic schemes, and cool loners like Mad Max and John Connor walking the ruined landscape trying to stand up for what's right in a world gone mad.

Sure, the world is a scary place - but there's still room to dream about happy futures. Let your imagination skip past thoughts of communism and nuclear warheads and instead frolic amongst the robot Adriana Limas and little green cartoonish aliens who offer sarcastic observations on your daily life. Did I mention that the robot Adriana Limas also love sports and come programmed with an infinite number of flirtatious smiles, winks, and wiggles? Oh and maybe the capacity for love.....

But if you can't quite get past those grim visions of the future - how about a compromise? A bleak future world where robot Adriana Limas rule us all! All hail the robot Adrianas! All who oppose the Adrianas shall be destroyed! We shall have peace and harmony under the smoldering pouty eyes of our Great Leaders!

(I'll take it...)

Oh, What a Wonderful World

Recently I was once again musing/moping about how short the football season is and how painfully long the torturous NBA season drags on with its annoyingness. Baseball has a pretty long season, but it's not annoying to me. Here's where that line of thought led:

I think part of baseball's appeal is that it's this consistent presence for about 7 months. A comforting friend that's always there. If you miss a few games during the summer because you were out doing fun warm-weather outdoor things -- no problem. Its something to check in on after dinner when you're unwinding. It's not really something to get amped up about.

I understand football takes a toll on the human body. But surely they could fit in another month or two. Ah, hell, I'm probably just being selfish and dreaming.

I don't know why I'm going on about baseball, but my favorite time for baseball is right around July 4th. The summer is almost at the midway point, you're grilling a lot, you come inside while some brats or burgers are cooking and check in on the game, you're having a few good beers, maybe your girl or buddy is over. Maybe it's a gathering of your best friends. Maybe the news comes on and says cold fusion has in fact been perfected - free energy for everyone and that most of our elected officials have stepped down after admitting to their idiocy and greed and careers of dirty dealings. Then scientists announce they have cloned Adriana Lima and are distributing 1 free clone per heterosexual male across the globe. Instantly all wars and crimes come to an end as we all bask in Adriana's glory. Old age is cured and we all live long lives while retaining the appearance of our 25 year old selves. Heath Ledger returns from the grave and immediately begins work on Dark Knight sequels. All the worlds artists, musicians, and actors get off their high horses and get busy creating grand works for humanity's enjoyment. Cancer is cured. Idiots are launched into the sun. The Canes win the NC almost every single year in disgusting displays of dominance not seen since Biblical times. Maroon 5 are executed on live tv. Reality tv is banished. Those who long for it are dealt with swiftly and vengefully by one Mr. Ray Lewis. Everyone's lives begin to make sense and a feeling of purpose and contentment spreads across the land. Birds stop flying randomly into windows. Planes stop falling from the sky. Billy Mays is chased until exhaustion by angry mobs for the rest of his days. Golf ceases to be eternally frustrating. Men are no longer allowed or even physically able to sing in those annoying nasal, high-pitched voices that all the emo kids sing with. John Mayer's evil spell is broken and he is destroyed. Snow is available on demand. (Sunshine as well) Sleep no longer leaves one more tired and sore and achey than when they went to bed........(you mean that's still just me?). Everyone learns to get along and be tolerant....or they're shot into the sun. The Cubs win the World Series -- more than once! Beer no longer kills braincells, it nurtures them, praises them, reads them stories and educates them in the schools of its choice. Anxiety-inducing big city traffic is done away with as cars drive themselves in a neat and orderly fashion. Movie studios stop pumping the same movie trailer into whatever tv I'm watching every 10 minutes for two weeks until the crappy movie comes out in theaters and then I still don't go see it but I can't stop doing the stupid lines from it even after a month has gone by "you wanna hear what I did to your daughter? I wanna hear you beg for your life." Dr. House is pulled through a wormhole from an alternate reality and is summarily cloned and distributed to every hospital. Everyone enjoys that. 50 cent tacos return to Casa Mexicana for good. Cats and dogs live in harmony and pizza is no longer fattening. Oh what a wonderful world it could be!


See? You never know what station my train of thought is going to pull into.