Happy Friday to all. We begin today's blog with more glowing blather about the Toyota Tundra: yesterday I drove home through a severe thunderstorm complete with a tornado warning, hail, and roads awash with the sudden torrential downpour. And the Tundra handled it all like a champ. I felt invincible, like a Spartan warrior in a hippy colony.
I also noticed that since I've been driving the Tundra, my sciatica problems have been quite a bit better than normal. I think it has to do with the differing comfort levels of sitting in my truck versus sitting in the Tundra.
Yesterday my Chicago Bears pulled off a dazzling trade for Pro Bowl QB Jay Cutler. I've been going back and forth all night over whether they gave up too much for him. They sent Kyle Orton and both this year's 1st round pick and next year's 1st rounder in the exchange. That does sound like a hefty price. However, let's think back on how well the Bears typically draft in the 1st round: such stunning selections as Rex Grossman, Cade McNown, David Terrell, Cedric Benson, etc. More often than not the Bears' 1st rounders wind up as busts. So, in effect, they likely traded a pair of future busts to Denver for a proven, young QB whose presence alone is something they haven't had in a very very very long time. I'm excited. Now let's just shore up that defense and find another wide receiver. And bring back Ditka.
(I've had an idea brewing lately to do an NFL draft blog. Even fewer than normal of you would probably find that interesting. But it could be fun. We'll see if I actually can keep that idea wrangled long enough to do it. And before the actual draft happens at the end of the month.)
Last night Wenders demanded that I come up with blogs that are funnier and feature less complaining. (not sure where I complained during the retelling-of-lunch blog or the Tundra-is-awesome blog, but whatever, Wenders) But - as expected - here I am now unable to write anything remotely funny. Thanks, Wenders. I'm now completely paralyzed (creatively speaking).
Yesterday I randomly began my day with a Doc Holliday quote from Tombstone as my status. This spontaneously led to others posting further Doc quotes throughout the day. What a great movie. It never gets old. It's like Top Gun with its high level of re-watchability and plethora of quotable quotes, but with more credibility as a piece of art. And no Tom Cruise.
Dang. Still paralyzed. I'll get you for this, Wenders!
I've found over the years that I can excel at things when I am NOT supposed to be doing them. For instance, if two of us are working on different projects - I might be dead in the water with mine, but I can look over at what you're doing and assist you with ease. Because I'm not TRYING to do it. The mind clears, the walls cease to exist, calmness floods all the residents of my mind.
Only a little more than a week to go and I can have beer again!
Okay, I'm completely snakebitten now. Time to just wrap this up for the day. Remember, this blog is all Wenders' fault.
Showing posts with label Toyota Tundra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Toyota Tundra. Show all posts
Friday, April 3, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Birth of a Salesman
I'm about to do something completely out of character and that is sure to have the opposite effect: I'm going to sell you something. (ooo, I feel slimy already) Maybe "sell" is a bit strong. Perhaps "blather glowingly about" fits better. Those of you who know me well, however, are likely familiar with my unique ability to create the opposite of interest when attempting to promote, sell, or speak highly of something. I often point to high school trips to Blockbuster where my suggestions for rentals (such as "hey, that's a good movie" or "how about that one, I've been wanting to see it") would instantly extinguish any and all interest the other members of the group may have had in said film. While re-reading Catch-22 for the umpteenth time, I came across a character who prior to his deployment in World War II had been recruited by large companies for the sole purpose of running them into the ground. It had something to do with the heads of the companies making a profit off of the companies failure. (hmm....why does that sound familiar...) Then I began to think -- "hey, maybe large companies could hire me - not to promote their products - but the products of their rivals!" Just imagine it, Apple hires me and puts me in national ads talking about how great PCs are --- weeks later Bill Gates is auctioning his house and popping Prozac like Dr. House eats Vicadin. Coke-funded ads feature me chugging Pepsis after a jog through wind-swept, sunshine-strewn fields --- kids universally declare Pepsi as "lame" and their sales plummet. Hanes hires me not to promote the comfortsoft boxer briefs I love so much, but to frolick with supermodels and puppies in Jockeys or Fruit-of-the-Looms. I could make millions! I could determine which companies rise and fall! [this line of thought led to a political comment which has been removed by Rick's Thought Police - not to be confused with THE Thought Police. Thank you for your compliance. Please move along and continue reading. Send Rick your money. Or at least lucrative book deals.]
Anyway...my point was that, in the past, when I have tried to influence others into trying a product, movie, food, vacation destination - typically they react as if I just told them the product was defective, the movie stunk worse than Alexander and The Happening combined, the food was primarily composed of industrial waste, and the vacation destination was actually a labor camp. Then I get frustrated and stop trying to make suggestions.
What was I selling again? Oh right, the Toyota Tundra. (Maybe this would work better if you could hear me doing the Mike Smith voice) I've been driving a Tundra for the past few days while my truck is in the body shop. I grew up strictly an "American vehicles only" kind of guy. But this past year I drove my dad's Prius and was impressed. Now that I've gotten a taste of V8 power and the Tundra's ultra-smooth ride, I'm finally ready to join the bandwagon (and just in time for Toyota to see their first financial woes in recent memory). So if I were Mike Smith, what would I say about the Tundra? "This is Mock Smiff. We're in the truck business! If you want a truck that can do it all -- and I mean do it all -- then the Tundra is the truck fer you! It's got V8 power and interior room to spare. It'll haul anything you need to haul. Come on down to Mock Smiff Toy-yota, Mit-suh-bish-a, Kia and let us put you behind the wheel of one of these beauties!" [Rick's Thought Police would just like to point out in the off-chance that someone reading this happens to know (or in fact, is) Mock...er...Mike Smith, that the previous parody was merely meant in jest and that Rick would jestfully parody his own mother in the same manner.]
So there. I just sold you on Toyota Tundras. The company is doomed. I have a lot of friends who not only drive Toyotas, but openly declare their love and affection for them. I'm afraid now things will change. You may not understand or even question why, but soon after reading this blog you will cease to feel the same way about your precious Corrollas, Land Cruisers, and 4Runners. Your minds will be clouded by images of me happily driving and talking about Toyotas...and your stomachs will turn and some bizarre and unexplainable subconscious force of nature will compel you to feel the opposite of how I feel. By next week you'll be pulling into Ford, Chrysler, and BMW car lots and practically handing them the keys. At that point, you'll take donuts in trade. (mmm...donuts) (is it donuts or doughnuts?)
And now - it's too late. Like a good super villain I can freely monologue at this point and reveal "my plan." As some of you may be realizing, I'm not actually "selling" anything for Toyota, but for their rivals. All I need now is some green hair dye and Joker warpaint.
But all joking aside, I really do love this Tundra. Normally when I drive in the rain it's a white-knuckle ride as the ruts in the road pull me back and forth. But in the Tundra today it might as well have been perfect conditions outside. If only parking that behemoth were a little easier...
My favorite pro-Tundra thought so far is from my most recent status: it's a tank - I could crash through Soviet roadblocks like they're made of cotton candy!
[Thought Police again -- clarifying that Rick does not work for Toyota or its rivals, but should either of them wish to hire him to counter-promote the other's products, he could sorely use the money and employment. Or if Toyota just wanted to give him a free Tundra for his glowingly positive blather, that would be swell, too.]
Anyway...my point was that, in the past, when I have tried to influence others into trying a product, movie, food, vacation destination - typically they react as if I just told them the product was defective, the movie stunk worse than Alexander and The Happening combined, the food was primarily composed of industrial waste, and the vacation destination was actually a labor camp. Then I get frustrated and stop trying to make suggestions.
What was I selling again? Oh right, the Toyota Tundra. (Maybe this would work better if you could hear me doing the Mike Smith voice) I've been driving a Tundra for the past few days while my truck is in the body shop. I grew up strictly an "American vehicles only" kind of guy. But this past year I drove my dad's Prius and was impressed. Now that I've gotten a taste of V8 power and the Tundra's ultra-smooth ride, I'm finally ready to join the bandwagon (and just in time for Toyota to see their first financial woes in recent memory). So if I were Mike Smith, what would I say about the Tundra? "This is Mock Smiff. We're in the truck business! If you want a truck that can do it all -- and I mean do it all -- then the Tundra is the truck fer you! It's got V8 power and interior room to spare. It'll haul anything you need to haul. Come on down to Mock Smiff Toy-yota, Mit-suh-bish-a, Kia and let us put you behind the wheel of one of these beauties!" [Rick's Thought Police would just like to point out in the off-chance that someone reading this happens to know (or in fact, is) Mock...er...Mike Smith, that the previous parody was merely meant in jest and that Rick would jestfully parody his own mother in the same manner.]
So there. I just sold you on Toyota Tundras. The company is doomed. I have a lot of friends who not only drive Toyotas, but openly declare their love and affection for them. I'm afraid now things will change. You may not understand or even question why, but soon after reading this blog you will cease to feel the same way about your precious Corrollas, Land Cruisers, and 4Runners. Your minds will be clouded by images of me happily driving and talking about Toyotas...and your stomachs will turn and some bizarre and unexplainable subconscious force of nature will compel you to feel the opposite of how I feel. By next week you'll be pulling into Ford, Chrysler, and BMW car lots and practically handing them the keys. At that point, you'll take donuts in trade. (mmm...donuts) (is it donuts or doughnuts?)
And now - it's too late. Like a good super villain I can freely monologue at this point and reveal "my plan." As some of you may be realizing, I'm not actually "selling" anything for Toyota, but for their rivals. All I need now is some green hair dye and Joker warpaint.
But all joking aside, I really do love this Tundra. Normally when I drive in the rain it's a white-knuckle ride as the ruts in the road pull me back and forth. But in the Tundra today it might as well have been perfect conditions outside. If only parking that behemoth were a little easier...
My favorite pro-Tundra thought so far is from my most recent status: it's a tank - I could crash through Soviet roadblocks like they're made of cotton candy!
[Thought Police again -- clarifying that Rick does not work for Toyota or its rivals, but should either of them wish to hire him to counter-promote the other's products, he could sorely use the money and employment. Or if Toyota just wanted to give him a free Tundra for his glowingly positive blather, that would be swell, too.]
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