Birth of a Salesman

I'm about to do something completely out of character and that is sure to have the opposite effect: I'm going to sell you something. (ooo, I feel slimy already) Maybe "sell" is a bit strong. Perhaps "blather glowingly about" fits better. Those of you who know me well, however, are likely familiar with my unique ability to create the opposite of interest when attempting to promote, sell, or speak highly of something. I often point to high school trips to Blockbuster where my suggestions for rentals (such as "hey, that's a good movie" or "how about that one, I've been wanting to see it") would instantly extinguish any and all interest the other members of the group may have had in said film. While re-reading Catch-22 for the umpteenth time, I came across a character who prior to his deployment in World War II had been recruited by large companies for the sole purpose of running them into the ground. It had something to do with the heads of the companies making a profit off of the companies failure. (hmm....why does that sound familiar...) Then I began to think -- "hey, maybe large companies could hire me - not to promote their products - but the products of their rivals!" Just imagine it, Apple hires me and puts me in national ads talking about how great PCs are --- weeks later Bill Gates is auctioning his house and popping Prozac like Dr. House eats Vicadin. Coke-funded ads feature me chugging Pepsis after a jog through wind-swept, sunshine-strewn fields --- kids universally declare Pepsi as "lame" and their sales plummet. Hanes hires me not to promote the comfortsoft boxer briefs I love so much, but to frolick with supermodels and puppies in Jockeys or Fruit-of-the-Looms. I could make millions! I could determine which companies rise and fall! [this line of thought led to a political comment which has been removed by Rick's Thought Police - not to be confused with THE Thought Police. Thank you for your compliance. Please move along and continue reading. Send Rick your money. Or at least lucrative book deals.]

Anyway...my point was that, in the past, when I have tried to influence others into trying a product, movie, food, vacation destination - typically they react as if I just told them the product was defective, the movie stunk worse than Alexander and The Happening combined, the food was primarily composed of industrial waste, and the vacation destination was actually a labor camp. Then I get frustrated and stop trying to make suggestions.

What was I selling again? Oh right, the Toyota Tundra. (Maybe this would work better if you could hear me doing the Mike Smith voice) I've been driving a Tundra for the past few days while my truck is in the body shop. I grew up strictly an "American vehicles only" kind of guy. But this past year I drove my dad's Prius and was impressed. Now that I've gotten a taste of V8 power and the Tundra's ultra-smooth ride, I'm finally ready to join the bandwagon (and just in time for Toyota to see their first financial woes in recent memory). So if I were Mike Smith, what would I say about the Tundra? "This is Mock Smiff. We're in the truck business! If you want a truck that can do it all -- and I mean do it all -- then the Tundra is the truck fer you! It's got V8 power and interior room to spare. It'll haul anything you need to haul. Come on down to Mock Smiff Toy-yota, Mit-suh-bish-a, Kia and let us put you behind the wheel of one of these beauties!" [Rick's Thought Police would just like to point out in the off-chance that someone reading this happens to know (or in fact, is) Mock...er...Mike Smith, that the previous parody was merely meant in jest and that Rick would jestfully parody his own mother in the same manner.]

So there. I just sold you on Toyota Tundras. The company is doomed. I have a lot of friends who not only drive Toyotas, but openly declare their love and affection for them. I'm afraid now things will change. You may not understand or even question why, but soon after reading this blog you will cease to feel the same way about your precious Corrollas, Land Cruisers, and 4Runners. Your minds will be clouded by images of me happily driving and talking about Toyotas...and your stomachs will turn and some bizarre and unexplainable subconscious force of nature will compel you to feel the opposite of how I feel. By next week you'll be pulling into Ford, Chrysler, and BMW car lots and practically handing them the keys. At that point, you'll take donuts in trade. (mmm...donuts) (is it donuts or doughnuts?)

And now - it's too late. Like a good super villain I can freely monologue at this point and reveal "my plan." As some of you may be realizing, I'm not actually "selling" anything for Toyota, but for their rivals. All I need now is some green hair dye and Joker warpaint.

But all joking aside, I really do love this Tundra. Normally when I drive in the rain it's a white-knuckle ride as the ruts in the road pull me back and forth. But in the Tundra today it might as well have been perfect conditions outside. If only parking that behemoth were a little easier...

My favorite pro-Tundra thought so far is from my most recent status: it's a tank - I could crash through Soviet roadblocks like they're made of cotton candy!

[Thought Police again -- clarifying that Rick does not work for Toyota or its rivals, but should either of them wish to hire him to counter-promote the other's products, he could sorely use the money and employment. Or if Toyota just wanted to give him a free Tundra for his glowingly positive blather, that would be swell, too.]