I hope everyone had a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Except for those jerks who woke me up Saturday night at 1AM in their airboat with all the searchlights and the stupid droning generator. It was the sort of thing a less intelligent individual might have taken for a UFO landing. It started with hearing the noise in my sleep. Then I began gradually waking up in stages - at first thinking it was just a helicopter going overhead. But once fully awake I realized what was going on. The sweeping lights through the trees that entered my bedroom window were not the spotlights of passing helicopters (military or search and rescue) nor were they the pre-abduction lights of an alien craft. Looking down through the trees to the lake I saw the small boat with its ring of powerful lights - each reflecting off of the water, creating the illusion of a second ring. The boat was nearly on shore and while the sleep-annihilating roar of the airboat motor had ceased, the annoying drone of a generator could still be heard. Over the noise of that, however, I could also hear the guys on the boat chattering to each other. These same characters had been here before - a couple of weeks ago - but with a less noisy motor, no generator, and at 9PM rather than 1AM. I actually considered firing a gun into the air to convince them to leave. But they soon left on their own.
I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.
One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):
"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.
The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."
I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).
I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.
In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.
Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Mighty Sampson Gets a Haircut...
So I went for a haircut yesterday.....I intended to have a little more taken off than last time....but it's funny how that always seems to result in the complete and total deforestation of my hair. So, I'm no longer really a shaggy-haired lad, rebelling against society's ills. But the hair will be back....and it will have its revenge...in this, 2009, the Year of Vengeance!
Anyway...
Here's what's randomly on my mind this morning:
1. I have a tick bite on my leg that either has a red rash around it (indicating very bad things) or is irritated from all the constant scratching. Nothing seems to itch as intensely or for as long as tick bites!
2. When you're mowing so deep in a wooded area that the plant-life (I can't call it grass, because this was way beyond just grass) is as tall as the handle bars, it might be time to call in air support and just have the place napalmed. And to all the turtles I rescued from being eaten by the mower -- you're welcome! No, no - don't bother thanking me for saving your lives -- just hiss at me and slam shut the front door on your shells.
3. Has anyone seen the YouTube video on Shia Labeauf (sp?) where it's just 2 minutes of clips from his movies of him saying "No?" For those - like myself and the majority of male movie-goers out there - who can't stand him, it's an enjoyable experience and a demonstration of his oh-so-amazing acting range.
4. I've probably mentioned my little theory before, but I'll bring it up again: In order for a Hollywood actor to become one of the true "top dogs" he MUST win over the male audience. Crowe, Bale, Damon - they've all done this and are all at the top of the heap. The Shias and Orlando Blooms of the world will never be that successful unless or until they can make the average guy like them. Take Brad Pitt for example, he went from being a male-hated pretty boy to now being a guy's-guy actor noted for his talent and great role selection. It all started around the era of Se7en and Fight Club. He began showing the male audience a different side and we began to say, "alright, Pitt....maybe you're not so bad...maybe I could have a beer with you...fight a war with you...." How is this done? There is no set formula, but there are certain aspects to the roles an actor takes that can help accomplish this goal.
a) Be a viable "Badass." -- Just playing a role that features guns or swords isn't enough. In fact, doing so can expose an actor for being just another pretty boy male-model type that Hollywood is trying to force-feed to the general public. You have to be believeable. You have to be a man's-man - rugged, tough, the kind of guy you could depend on to lead you out of the wilderness after a plane crash - or help you fight off the street gang that is terrorizing your neighborhood. And you can't look pretty while doing it -- it's okay to look good - just not pretty. In fact, never look pretty if you want to win the male audience over. We hate that. It's why in the real world we say "I can't stand that pretty boy!" so derisively. An example of "Badass" -- pretty much any role Russell Crowe has played that involved swords, guns, or fighting of any kind. An example of Epic Fail Badass -- Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven," Shia playing Indiana Jones' street-tough motorcycle-riding son in Indiana Jones 4, and George Clooney as Batman (but that was horrible for a lot of other reasons as well).
b) Be funny - but in a self-deprecating or off-the-wall kind of way. Don't be a punk! Nothing irritates the male audience quite like some young pretty boy who acts cocky and makes a bunch of smart-aleck remarks. Do this and you may have sealed your doom forever. (I'm looking at you, Shia...) An example of good humor: Vince Vaughn.
c) Be able to play a character as opposed to just another pretty romantic lead. Brad Pitt has played crazy serial killers, loons, devious figments of one's imagination railing against modern society, and even dim-witted personal trainers. He has taken on roles that require looking and acting like someone far less than a charming, handsome hero. And he's pulled them off successfully.
d) Take on roles that subsconciously will earn our respect. Jason Bourne? Maximus? The new gritty, more realistic Batman of Christian Bale? If these characters popped out of the screen and started walking around in our living rooms -- we would literally drop our popcorn bowl and follow them off on adventures. If Colin Farrell's Alexander came out of my tv screen I would hurl the popcorn bowl at him and demand my money back for seeing that WOAT movie in the first place.
4. I think I'm gonna start wearing half-shirts like Iceman and Slider in Top Gun. Or at least oil myself up each time before I play sand volleyball while Kenny Loggins' music plays in the background.
5. Okay - my attention span is gone. Everyone have a great weekend and be safe out there.
Anyway...
Here's what's randomly on my mind this morning:
1. I have a tick bite on my leg that either has a red rash around it (indicating very bad things) or is irritated from all the constant scratching. Nothing seems to itch as intensely or for as long as tick bites!
2. When you're mowing so deep in a wooded area that the plant-life (I can't call it grass, because this was way beyond just grass) is as tall as the handle bars, it might be time to call in air support and just have the place napalmed. And to all the turtles I rescued from being eaten by the mower -- you're welcome! No, no - don't bother thanking me for saving your lives -- just hiss at me and slam shut the front door on your shells.
3. Has anyone seen the YouTube video on Shia Labeauf (sp?) where it's just 2 minutes of clips from his movies of him saying "No?" For those - like myself and the majority of male movie-goers out there - who can't stand him, it's an enjoyable experience and a demonstration of his oh-so-amazing acting range.
4. I've probably mentioned my little theory before, but I'll bring it up again: In order for a Hollywood actor to become one of the true "top dogs" he MUST win over the male audience. Crowe, Bale, Damon - they've all done this and are all at the top of the heap. The Shias and Orlando Blooms of the world will never be that successful unless or until they can make the average guy like them. Take Brad Pitt for example, he went from being a male-hated pretty boy to now being a guy's-guy actor noted for his talent and great role selection. It all started around the era of Se7en and Fight Club. He began showing the male audience a different side and we began to say, "alright, Pitt....maybe you're not so bad...maybe I could have a beer with you...fight a war with you...." How is this done? There is no set formula, but there are certain aspects to the roles an actor takes that can help accomplish this goal.
a) Be a viable "Badass." -- Just playing a role that features guns or swords isn't enough. In fact, doing so can expose an actor for being just another pretty boy male-model type that Hollywood is trying to force-feed to the general public. You have to be believeable. You have to be a man's-man - rugged, tough, the kind of guy you could depend on to lead you out of the wilderness after a plane crash - or help you fight off the street gang that is terrorizing your neighborhood. And you can't look pretty while doing it -- it's okay to look good - just not pretty. In fact, never look pretty if you want to win the male audience over. We hate that. It's why in the real world we say "I can't stand that pretty boy!" so derisively. An example of "Badass" -- pretty much any role Russell Crowe has played that involved swords, guns, or fighting of any kind. An example of Epic Fail Badass -- Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven," Shia playing Indiana Jones' street-tough motorcycle-riding son in Indiana Jones 4, and George Clooney as Batman (but that was horrible for a lot of other reasons as well).
b) Be funny - but in a self-deprecating or off-the-wall kind of way. Don't be a punk! Nothing irritates the male audience quite like some young pretty boy who acts cocky and makes a bunch of smart-aleck remarks. Do this and you may have sealed your doom forever. (I'm looking at you, Shia...) An example of good humor: Vince Vaughn.
c) Be able to play a character as opposed to just another pretty romantic lead. Brad Pitt has played crazy serial killers, loons, devious figments of one's imagination railing against modern society, and even dim-witted personal trainers. He has taken on roles that require looking and acting like someone far less than a charming, handsome hero. And he's pulled them off successfully.
d) Take on roles that subsconciously will earn our respect. Jason Bourne? Maximus? The new gritty, more realistic Batman of Christian Bale? If these characters popped out of the screen and started walking around in our living rooms -- we would literally drop our popcorn bowl and follow them off on adventures. If Colin Farrell's Alexander came out of my tv screen I would hurl the popcorn bowl at him and demand my money back for seeing that WOAT movie in the first place.
4. I think I'm gonna start wearing half-shirts like Iceman and Slider in Top Gun. Or at least oil myself up each time before I play sand volleyball while Kenny Loggins' music plays in the background.
5. Okay - my attention span is gone. Everyone have a great weekend and be safe out there.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Fun in Fundamentalism
Yes, I neglected my blog for a week. It was finals week and it would have been quite irresponsible of me to be here writing goofball blogs instead of cramming in the last bits of a semester's worth of information. I don't have one specific topic of conversation this morning - which will surely annoy the stodgiest of you out there. Yeah...you know who you are...with your obsessive love for policies and procedures and mission statements and meetings and reports and action-plans and files and gladhanding....I shall break through the wall and reach you someday...and you shall be free....
Sooooo....I'll just continue with the numbered random thoughts, as that seemed to work well last time:
1. My new Beers of the Week: Shiner Blonde -- apparently you cannot get it in Western Kentucky, but if you travel into Southern Illinois, and get a little lucky, you can find it in gas stations and liquor stores alike. It is easily my favorite of the Shiner brews. It also has a special place in my heart as I discovered it during the Ice Storm this winter. My first memories of it are tied in with memories of grilling and laughing under the dull roar of a generator with my brothers and sister-in-law. Making fond memories out of frozen lemons.
My other recommendation is one I actually haven't yet tried (but it is on deck for this evening): Fat Tire by New Belgium. I've heard great things about it for a long time, but for some reason it seems like I could never find it around here.
2. I picked up the new Green Day album this weekend. Normally new albums/DVDs come out on Tuesdays. So last Tuesday I found myself fuming that I couldn't find it in Best Buy or at Wal-Mart. I even ranted to Aric that it was this town's fault...but I used much more colorful language. For some reason the album didn't get released until Friday. So...call of them orbital bombardment... As for the album...I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far it has the feel of a sequel that falls flat. Like one of the Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Not bad - still entertaining - but lacking the originality and charm of the first.
3. Callie and I were accosted during the Downtown After Dinner "festivities" on Saturday night. I say that sarcastically as the only entertainment aside from a special performance of the Paducah Symphony, were two musical acts: 1 - a band playing 50s-60s era classics and 2 - some college guys doing barbershop quartet. No really. 10 years ago no frat boy would be caught dead singing in public. No high schoolers would willingly put on musicals and consider it cool. American Idol would have been booed off the air. Boy, do times change....
But I digress....so my niece and I were walking towards the river when this goofy looking chap in a big St. Louis Cardinals sweatshirt and Nikes hands her a fake million dollar bill with some sort of fundamentalist Christian stuff written on it. Then he proceeds to start asking us personal religious questions while his minions (a couple guys like him and some kids who looked like the type to hide in the bushes and shoot non-believers with blow-darts) essentially surrounded us and watched. He wanted to know if we had been rasied in a "good, Christian background" and what we thought happened to us when we die. Of course, our answers weren't good enough - especially the part about Purgatory, which he dismissed completely (and which should have been his first clue that he was dealing with those darn Cath'lics!). Instead he wore this vacant, fake smile - exposing teeth that featured food between nearly every one of them - a condescending nod followed by an equally condescending "yeah...yeah...well let me ask you this..." And his eyes....I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes...and this guy's eyes were empty and cold.... So, Callie quickly grew angry with this man's thinly veiled assault on our beliefs and accusatory nature and stopped responding completely, while I took up my own fake smile and condescending tone to match that of our new pal. Why yes, I HAVE told a lie before! Hmmm...well, I don't think I've stolen anything since I was a little kid. What's that you say? The Bible states that if you break the 10 Commandments you're doomed to Hell? Wow...how about that... Then he asks me if I've ever looked at a woman lustfully. Um...yeah...quite a bit, in fact. He replies that the Bible says if a man looks at a woman lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. (Doesn't at least one party have to be married for it to be adultery? And how exactly would any of us exist if at some point our fathers didn't look at our mothers lustfully?) He goes on that "knowing what the Bible says about that, what do you think is going to happen to you when you stand before God?" To which I laugh and reply "Well, it's not really up to me!" By this point, I'm losing patience. Callie looks like she's ready to slap someone. And now he's asking us why Jesus died and wanting to know how we participate in His sacrifice. We respond with Communion (his second clue that we're none other than those fiendish Cath'lics!) which earns us another fake nod and "right...right..." He started in on something else about sins that I was not paying attention to and Callie spunkily answered "that's why we go to Confession." And finally! Finally the light bulb goes off in Cardinals sweatshirt's head! He's got a couple of those Cath'lics on his hands! Immediately he stops his whole act, gives me a hand shake and says "I hope you make the right decision." And just like that he and his entourage moved on down the street. We kept seeing them the rest of the night going through the same routine with other groups of young people - mostly teenagers. Callie and I both look younger than we are, but unfortunately for him, we're not weak-minded or easily manipulated. If somebody wants to evangelize their religious beliefs, that's fine and dandy - but don't go around accusing young people, intimating that they're going to hell, picking apart their own beliefs, and basically acting like a holier-than-thou, conceited windbag. People like him give Christianity a bad name.
Afterwards I kept thinking of things Dr. House would have said to the guy. "Those Nikes you're wearing...were they made in the Mexican sweatshop or the one in Southeast Asia? And how is God going to feel about your promotion of the exploitation of children? Hmm...sounds like you could be in Hell with the rest of us."
During the whole thing, I kept thinking of the time on Family Guy when they wanted to potty train Stewie, so they went to the bookstore:
Storeclerk: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Peter: "Well, we're looking for a book to potty train our son."
Clerk: "Well, 'Everybody Poops' is still the standard."
Peter: "Ah, well...we're Catholic, so uh...."
Clerk: "Oh, then you need 'You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.'"
Okay...now to respond to Jason's comments from last week (which I just read last night)...
4. No, I haven't seen the Deadliest Warrior....so yes, you were ranting about a show I've never seen and yes, indeed, my references to Spartans and Pirates were completely unrelated. Sorry.
5. I haven't had the Reissdorf, but I've loved ever Kolsch I've ever tried. But I still don't like really hoppy beers and cannot drink pale ales of any kind (literally taste like soap to me).
6. Just to clarify - when I say that it sounds like a horse galloping when Killian runs across the deck...Killian's a cat.
Alright. That's all I have the patience for this morning.
Sooooo....I'll just continue with the numbered random thoughts, as that seemed to work well last time:
1. My new Beers of the Week: Shiner Blonde -- apparently you cannot get it in Western Kentucky, but if you travel into Southern Illinois, and get a little lucky, you can find it in gas stations and liquor stores alike. It is easily my favorite of the Shiner brews. It also has a special place in my heart as I discovered it during the Ice Storm this winter. My first memories of it are tied in with memories of grilling and laughing under the dull roar of a generator with my brothers and sister-in-law. Making fond memories out of frozen lemons.
My other recommendation is one I actually haven't yet tried (but it is on deck for this evening): Fat Tire by New Belgium. I've heard great things about it for a long time, but for some reason it seems like I could never find it around here.
2. I picked up the new Green Day album this weekend. Normally new albums/DVDs come out on Tuesdays. So last Tuesday I found myself fuming that I couldn't find it in Best Buy or at Wal-Mart. I even ranted to Aric that it was this town's fault...but I used much more colorful language. For some reason the album didn't get released until Friday. So...call of them orbital bombardment... As for the album...I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far it has the feel of a sequel that falls flat. Like one of the Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Not bad - still entertaining - but lacking the originality and charm of the first.
3. Callie and I were accosted during the Downtown After Dinner "festivities" on Saturday night. I say that sarcastically as the only entertainment aside from a special performance of the Paducah Symphony, were two musical acts: 1 - a band playing 50s-60s era classics and 2 - some college guys doing barbershop quartet. No really. 10 years ago no frat boy would be caught dead singing in public. No high schoolers would willingly put on musicals and consider it cool. American Idol would have been booed off the air. Boy, do times change....
But I digress....so my niece and I were walking towards the river when this goofy looking chap in a big St. Louis Cardinals sweatshirt and Nikes hands her a fake million dollar bill with some sort of fundamentalist Christian stuff written on it. Then he proceeds to start asking us personal religious questions while his minions (a couple guys like him and some kids who looked like the type to hide in the bushes and shoot non-believers with blow-darts) essentially surrounded us and watched. He wanted to know if we had been rasied in a "good, Christian background" and what we thought happened to us when we die. Of course, our answers weren't good enough - especially the part about Purgatory, which he dismissed completely (and which should have been his first clue that he was dealing with those darn Cath'lics!). Instead he wore this vacant, fake smile - exposing teeth that featured food between nearly every one of them - a condescending nod followed by an equally condescending "yeah...yeah...well let me ask you this..." And his eyes....I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes...and this guy's eyes were empty and cold.... So, Callie quickly grew angry with this man's thinly veiled assault on our beliefs and accusatory nature and stopped responding completely, while I took up my own fake smile and condescending tone to match that of our new pal. Why yes, I HAVE told a lie before! Hmmm...well, I don't think I've stolen anything since I was a little kid. What's that you say? The Bible states that if you break the 10 Commandments you're doomed to Hell? Wow...how about that... Then he asks me if I've ever looked at a woman lustfully. Um...yeah...quite a bit, in fact. He replies that the Bible says if a man looks at a woman lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. (Doesn't at least one party have to be married for it to be adultery? And how exactly would any of us exist if at some point our fathers didn't look at our mothers lustfully?) He goes on that "knowing what the Bible says about that, what do you think is going to happen to you when you stand before God?" To which I laugh and reply "Well, it's not really up to me!" By this point, I'm losing patience. Callie looks like she's ready to slap someone. And now he's asking us why Jesus died and wanting to know how we participate in His sacrifice. We respond with Communion (his second clue that we're none other than those fiendish Cath'lics!) which earns us another fake nod and "right...right..." He started in on something else about sins that I was not paying attention to and Callie spunkily answered "that's why we go to Confession." And finally! Finally the light bulb goes off in Cardinals sweatshirt's head! He's got a couple of those Cath'lics on his hands! Immediately he stops his whole act, gives me a hand shake and says "I hope you make the right decision." And just like that he and his entourage moved on down the street. We kept seeing them the rest of the night going through the same routine with other groups of young people - mostly teenagers. Callie and I both look younger than we are, but unfortunately for him, we're not weak-minded or easily manipulated. If somebody wants to evangelize their religious beliefs, that's fine and dandy - but don't go around accusing young people, intimating that they're going to hell, picking apart their own beliefs, and basically acting like a holier-than-thou, conceited windbag. People like him give Christianity a bad name.
Afterwards I kept thinking of things Dr. House would have said to the guy. "Those Nikes you're wearing...were they made in the Mexican sweatshop or the one in Southeast Asia? And how is God going to feel about your promotion of the exploitation of children? Hmm...sounds like you could be in Hell with the rest of us."
During the whole thing, I kept thinking of the time on Family Guy when they wanted to potty train Stewie, so they went to the bookstore:
Storeclerk: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Peter: "Well, we're looking for a book to potty train our son."
Clerk: "Well, 'Everybody Poops' is still the standard."
Peter: "Ah, well...we're Catholic, so uh...."
Clerk: "Oh, then you need 'You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.'"
Okay...now to respond to Jason's comments from last week (which I just read last night)...
4. No, I haven't seen the Deadliest Warrior....so yes, you were ranting about a show I've never seen and yes, indeed, my references to Spartans and Pirates were completely unrelated. Sorry.
5. I haven't had the Reissdorf, but I've loved ever Kolsch I've ever tried. But I still don't like really hoppy beers and cannot drink pale ales of any kind (literally taste like soap to me).
6. Just to clarify - when I say that it sounds like a horse galloping when Killian runs across the deck...Killian's a cat.
Alright. That's all I have the patience for this morning.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
If you read this blog you can feed the self-esteem of an esteem-starved blogger
Look. If you people aren't going to comment on anything I write (and not to mention, keep sending me bad checks), I'm just going to stop writing my own brand of gibberish.
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Nah....I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you. (I felt like Ike Turner just then...Ike loves you, baby! I only beat you 'cause I love you SO much!)
Today was Mother's Day. But for the few of you who I'm pretending will actually read this, it is now at least Monday - if not several months from now. (in that case, I'm writing to you from the past....I have no words of wisdom to impart....sorry) For my mother today, I drilled holes in walls and hung pictures for her. It was actually a lot more involved than I thought it would be.
Now here's the bizarre version of the previous sentence:
Today was Mother's Day (yadda yadda yadda - nobody reads this, I'm Eeyore, self-deprecating (bad) jokes, blah blah blah)......For my mother today, I drilled holes in the wall of a bank so she could rob the place at her convenience. Then I hung pictures of her enemies being hung. It actually took a lot more time and energy than I thought it would. But it wasn't good enough. No...no it wasn't. She threw a whiskey bottle at me and shouted in her British accent "You call this a Mother's Day?! More like Crappy Son Day!" (it's likely that only those who have heard Mom's "voice" will appreciate that)
Mother's day nonsense aside, the big event of the weekend was the release of the new Star Trek movie. And it was fantastic! I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, but it blew away all the hype. They really did an excellent job with it. I've come to expect nothing but ineptitude and formulaic garbage from Hollywood in recent years. But for once, I have renewed hope. Or at least hope for the sci-fi space adventure genre. They successfully kept the essence of the old series alive while also updating and retooling for a new generation of fans. I have yet to hear of anyone walking out of that theater with anything less than positive to say about the film. Ah, but there goes my attention span....I'm tired and it's time for my random comments, obvervations, and other assorted crap:
1. I didn't win Powerball this week. They must have screwed up and sent me the wrong numbers. Or picked the wrong ones. Whatever. It'll get sorted out.
2. I don't wanna be a pirate, but I can handle being a Spartan
3. The Benton Wal-Mart's aisles must be 40% narrower than all other Wal-Marts. Also the Benton Wal-Mart's indigenous population has 20% more meth addicts and 58% more slow-moving old folks (who need their shopping cart licences revoked) than the average Wal-Mart.
4. Suggested beers of the week: Harpoon's Summer Lager and Schlafly's Kolsh.
5. No matter what the context or how crappy of a day I've had -- it's absolutely hysterical when someone vomits on Family Guy. And yes I realize that it's very "low brow" of me to laugh at it, but I don't care what you think. Unless you have money to give me....or you're a pretty lady....
6. The Land of the Lost movie comes out next month. It actually looks pretty good. Unless, of course, they did that trick where all the funny parts are only in the previews. Then Transformers comes out in July and G.I. Joe in August. It's really weird that the tv shows and toys I loved as a kid are now major summer blockbusters.
7. When Killian runs across the deck past my bedroom it sounds like a little horse galloping. No, I'm not exaggerating.
Alright, time for sleep. Happy Day After Mother's Day (all you pretend readers).
Friday, May 8, 2009
Robot Adriana Limas and Visions of the Future
Somewhere around the severe thunderstorm we had last night and getting up to let Killian in from the lightning, wind, and rain, I had some really bad nightmares. In one I nearly had a heart attack as my heart was beating at an incredibly unhealthy pace - I just hope it was only beating that fast in the dream and not in real life as well. Because if it was...I may have done some damage to it. What observations can one make that would indicate a damaged heart? These are things everyone should know and not just medical professionals. Oh sure - "just go to the doctor." Have you tried making doctor appointments before? If you have a serious medical problem and call the doctor's office, chances are they're going to say "hmm....well, we can fit you in 3 weeks from next Tuesday." "Gee thanks, but uh, I think the infection in my foot will have either killed me or just taken the rest of my body hostage like a Somali pirate by then. So, if you have something a little sooner...like in a couple of hours maybe...that would be great..." Robots. I want medical robots. Millions of them. One in every home! Think C3PO from Star Wars but with Dr. House-ish medical knowledge. And maybe Adriana Lima's voice....
Why not just completely model them after her? Robot Adriana Limas with massive medical knowledge following you around all the time, answering every little query you have about the human body, measuring and analyzing all the little obervations you make about your own body's functioning (what? that's just me?), telling you how great you look in a polo shirt and golf shorts, giving you a massage, laughing at your jokes, doing all the driving for you...truly a miracle of modern science! Then an upgraded model could have an indestructible metal skeleton - like the Terminator - and be programmed to defend you from street gangs, killers, thieves, and other such evils that lurk in big cities. Just imagine -- being able to walk through congested, crowded, dangerous urban metropolises with the carefree stride of all the millions of people who seem to naively walk carefree through such cities! And with an impervious robot Adriana Lima at your side who finds your goofy, off-the-wall banter hilariously charming and endearing. It's the sort of future-world dream that American dreamers used to dream about....before the cynicism and societal cannibalism of the last few decades.
There was a time when dreamers looked toward the future and saw flying cars, utopic cities with smiling families, moon bases, rocket sleds, friendly aliens who were actually both little and green and who spoke in silly voices and floated around in tiny spacesuits with ridiculously impractical clear, glass space helmets complete with antennae. But lately the only futures we seem to dream about involve nuclear holocaust, disease, poverty, human isolation, eternally overcast skies and every major city resembling Detroit in Robocop, creepy gray aliens who either want to perform experiments on us, wipe us out, or control us for their own nefarious intergalactic schemes, and cool loners like Mad Max and John Connor walking the ruined landscape trying to stand up for what's right in a world gone mad.
Sure, the world is a scary place - but there's still room to dream about happy futures. Let your imagination skip past thoughts of communism and nuclear warheads and instead frolic amongst the robot Adriana Limas and little green cartoonish aliens who offer sarcastic observations on your daily life. Did I mention that the robot Adriana Limas also love sports and come programmed with an infinite number of flirtatious smiles, winks, and wiggles? Oh and maybe the capacity for love.....
But if you can't quite get past those grim visions of the future - how about a compromise? A bleak future world where robot Adriana Limas rule us all! All hail the robot Adrianas! All who oppose the Adrianas shall be destroyed! We shall have peace and harmony under the smoldering pouty eyes of our Great Leaders!
(I'll take it...)
Why not just completely model them after her? Robot Adriana Limas with massive medical knowledge following you around all the time, answering every little query you have about the human body, measuring and analyzing all the little obervations you make about your own body's functioning (what? that's just me?), telling you how great you look in a polo shirt and golf shorts, giving you a massage, laughing at your jokes, doing all the driving for you...truly a miracle of modern science! Then an upgraded model could have an indestructible metal skeleton - like the Terminator - and be programmed to defend you from street gangs, killers, thieves, and other such evils that lurk in big cities. Just imagine -- being able to walk through congested, crowded, dangerous urban metropolises with the carefree stride of all the millions of people who seem to naively walk carefree through such cities! And with an impervious robot Adriana Lima at your side who finds your goofy, off-the-wall banter hilariously charming and endearing. It's the sort of future-world dream that American dreamers used to dream about....before the cynicism and societal cannibalism of the last few decades.
There was a time when dreamers looked toward the future and saw flying cars, utopic cities with smiling families, moon bases, rocket sleds, friendly aliens who were actually both little and green and who spoke in silly voices and floated around in tiny spacesuits with ridiculously impractical clear, glass space helmets complete with antennae. But lately the only futures we seem to dream about involve nuclear holocaust, disease, poverty, human isolation, eternally overcast skies and every major city resembling Detroit in Robocop, creepy gray aliens who either want to perform experiments on us, wipe us out, or control us for their own nefarious intergalactic schemes, and cool loners like Mad Max and John Connor walking the ruined landscape trying to stand up for what's right in a world gone mad.
Sure, the world is a scary place - but there's still room to dream about happy futures. Let your imagination skip past thoughts of communism and nuclear warheads and instead frolic amongst the robot Adriana Limas and little green cartoonish aliens who offer sarcastic observations on your daily life. Did I mention that the robot Adriana Limas also love sports and come programmed with an infinite number of flirtatious smiles, winks, and wiggles? Oh and maybe the capacity for love.....
But if you can't quite get past those grim visions of the future - how about a compromise? A bleak future world where robot Adriana Limas rule us all! All hail the robot Adrianas! All who oppose the Adrianas shall be destroyed! We shall have peace and harmony under the smoldering pouty eyes of our Great Leaders!
(I'll take it...)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
10 Moments of Chaos
Seems I've been running into mental roadblocks with my blogs lately. Thinking too hard. My old nemesis.
Well, I'm another year older, according to the calendar. And as the years go by (and as my brain gets filled up with engineering knowledge) my verbal skills seem to be deteriorating. My mind was once a steel trap for spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Now I'm constantly having to think about a word's spelling or usage and making typing errors. Could be the math and science skills invading the verbal territory. That or I'm developing a neurological disease. Maybe it's ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease). I've been getting these little painless muscle twitches for months. All on the left side of my body (except for the eye twitch, which will affect either eye). The twitches have been in my forearm/wrist, bicep, and (in the last couple of days) the bottom of my foot. According to WebMD (the internet's heroin dealer for hyperchondriacs), I could have Lou Gerhig's -- but I haven't had any numbness and my face hasn't been twitching and my coordination seems about normal. So maybe I can call off the press conference at Wrigley Field... WebMD also suggested various types of epileptic seizures - but I haven't been thrashing around on the floor or fitting the other symptoms. In all likelihood, the simplest and most benign diagnosis is probably the correct one: (insert medical term I found last night and mentally misplaced since then) -- basically just benign muscle twitching caused by certain meds (some of which I take), caffeine, stress, fatigue, and exercise. Yet my inner Dr. House still fears the Lou Gerhigs....
I suppose I could review the big movie of this past weekend: Wolverine. But I'm bored with that idea right now....
Instead here's an attempt at describing 10 seconds of having ADD/ADHD: (think of each second as a snap shot of what's going on at that instant) (on second thought -- thinking of them as seconds doesn't work because its taking me a lot longer than 1 second to collect those thoughts and type them out...so let's just call them "moments")
:01 -- looking out the window - lighting of sky reminds of (flash dozens of images of different random days from the past)...sound from kitchen - metal clinking - silverware...leaves on the trees are so intensely green, vibrant, alive....music from tv...classical....from a movie....hairball on the floor needs to be picked up...where is Killian?....better not be clawing furniture....
:02 -- this song reminds me of high school...driving down I-24....(random moment of driving in rain on I-24)...music from tv again...(instant mental check of how hungry I am, whether I need to go to the bathroom)...check the clock...what day is it?....can't believe it's been 11 years since this album came out...(instant recall/reliving of some sort of emotions or feelings from when Pearl Jam's "Yield" was released)...the bottom drawer of the dresser is slightly open...
:03 -- is that the music from The Dark Knight coming from the tv now? I almost typed cocoon instead of coming (millisecond of worry about neurological disorders). Remember the movie Cocoon? Wilford Brimley - he was always stern and mad at kids. And he was born 60 years old. (is that a hunger pain? - hunger/bathroom check...still good) head itches. the lighting outside has changed again....(instant flurry of past moments that the light reminds me of)...
:04 -- gunshot from outside - someone hunting or maybe people being murdered nearby? What if they were being murdered and the killer decided to kill off everyone else in every house in the area. We'd have no way of knowing what was going on because we dismiss the gunshots as hunters. My hip hurts. (scans room and assesses the articles of clothing that are visible) what day is it?
:05 -- (mental hunger/bathroom check) getting hungry, what to eat? there goes Killian into the bathroom. (stops music from playing - too distracting) Nike shoes. University of Oregon. The guy who owns Nike gives tons of money to U of Oregon's athletic program. Green jerseys. Rain. Pacific Northwest. Seattle. Visiting Seattle when I was 15. Seafood. Mount Rainier. My foot is falling asleep.
:06 -- thinking too hard...mind screeching to halt...all tied up in knots...remember that movie I saw as a kid - or rather, the scene from the movie -- some poor guy had been captured by the mob or other bad guys and was tied to a chair with his legs tied to the seat of another chair. A guy with a bat then broke his legs. It messed me up as a little kid - made me afraid of having my legs broken...which transferred over to fear of injury in ways other than having mobsters break one's legs between chairs with bats. Plus the horror that that man must have felt not just having his legs broken but the anguish of knowing he wouldn't be able to walk and would have severe impairments even after his bones healed. Foot is still asleep. (mental hunger/bathroom check) hairball is still on the floor. Where's Killian now? head itches. Need to finish this and get moving. But have to make it to 10 "seconds." This is a stupid idea. Losing steam already. Quit criticizing yourself. Shut up. You shut up. Shut up is one of the many crass terms contributing to the downfall of our society. Each time a kid or young person tells another to shut up - our future grows that much dumber.
:07 -- how many coins on the dresser? silence in the kitchen now. Where's Killian? What time is it? (random memory of eating at Pizza Inn with the guys a few weeks ago) I don't want to eat at Pizza Inn. Where will we eat lunch today? They'll want fast-food.... my old red sweatshirt sitting on a box near the tv - haven't worn that in a while. What am I doing at the gym today? (random glance out of the window brings instant reminder of the sky/trees looking that way on a few particular days 3 years ago) foot twitching. hope it's not serious.
:08 -- having mental conversation with Jonathan while typing this. (looks at top of dresser and assesses each item) Need to get moving. (checks the clock and calculates whether there's time to go to the gym this morning) Thud from somewhere in the house. I need to read more non-textbooks. I think it's supposed to rain today. Don't know what to have for breakfast, nothing ever sounds good. Houston Astros. Jeff Bagwell. Craig Biggio. I don't even like the Astros. Astro the dog from the Jetsons. "Rat's rall right, Reorge!" Family Guy spoofing Elroy Jetson as a burned out drunk in his grown up years being thrown out of a bar and into a cab driven by Bam Bam (from the Flintstones): "take me to Astro's grave!" This leads to the time Family Guy spoofed a Peanuts 10 year reunion where Charlie Brown was a burned out drug addict who had sold Snoopy and Woodstock bad drugs leading to their deaths. Breakfast cereal. Why the association between cereal and the Houston Astros? Maybe because the Asros' colors and logo bear some resemblence to cereal box logos and colors. Hungry. Don't want cereal. Jeans on the floor near my backpack. When did I last have a beer?
:09 -- What will people think when they read this? Will anyone actually read it? Ear itches. (random Family Guy quote) (random memory of watching the Bears play the Tennessee Titans on tv this past fall) Need to eat. My truck seat is a torture rack. Staring into space....
:10 -- What music do I feel like listening to in the truck this morning? Sudden random irritation and annoyance for no reason at all. Don't forget the hairball. Killian better be behaving wherever he is. Not good to end a setence with "is." Grammar goes out the window when documenting one's thoughts....or (insert snide comments about other real-world writing). What's today's date? Foot twitching again. Fast twitch muscle fibers. Fiber in cereal. Cereal boxes that resemble the Houston Astros logo/colors. Boo-Berry, Crunch-Berry, Count Chocula. None of those resemble the Astros. Are the Cubs going to be any good this year? Been sitting like this too long, sciatica hurts. The cheesiness and fakeness of those medic-alert bracelet commercials. (millisecond worry about growing old and hoping medical science cures the aging process) Phone call from Ryan. Train of thought destroyed. (was there a train to begin with?)
So yeah....hope you enjoyed that. I'm not sure how accurate of a description it is...in fact, I'm sure I'll think of better ways I could have described the world of ADD to you "normies" later on. But for now -- I'm off...
Well, I'm another year older, according to the calendar. And as the years go by (and as my brain gets filled up with engineering knowledge) my verbal skills seem to be deteriorating. My mind was once a steel trap for spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Now I'm constantly having to think about a word's spelling or usage and making typing errors. Could be the math and science skills invading the verbal territory. That or I'm developing a neurological disease. Maybe it's ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease). I've been getting these little painless muscle twitches for months. All on the left side of my body (except for the eye twitch, which will affect either eye). The twitches have been in my forearm/wrist, bicep, and (in the last couple of days) the bottom of my foot. According to WebMD (the internet's heroin dealer for hyperchondriacs), I could have Lou Gerhig's -- but I haven't had any numbness and my face hasn't been twitching and my coordination seems about normal. So maybe I can call off the press conference at Wrigley Field... WebMD also suggested various types of epileptic seizures - but I haven't been thrashing around on the floor or fitting the other symptoms. In all likelihood, the simplest and most benign diagnosis is probably the correct one: (insert medical term I found last night and mentally misplaced since then) -- basically just benign muscle twitching caused by certain meds (some of which I take), caffeine, stress, fatigue, and exercise. Yet my inner Dr. House still fears the Lou Gerhigs....
I suppose I could review the big movie of this past weekend: Wolverine. But I'm bored with that idea right now....
Instead here's an attempt at describing 10 seconds of having ADD/ADHD: (think of each second as a snap shot of what's going on at that instant) (on second thought -- thinking of them as seconds doesn't work because its taking me a lot longer than 1 second to collect those thoughts and type them out...so let's just call them "moments")
:01 -- looking out the window - lighting of sky reminds of (flash dozens of images of different random days from the past)...sound from kitchen - metal clinking - silverware...leaves on the trees are so intensely green, vibrant, alive....music from tv...classical....from a movie....hairball on the floor needs to be picked up...where is Killian?....better not be clawing furniture....
:02 -- this song reminds me of high school...driving down I-24....(random moment of driving in rain on I-24)...music from tv again...(instant mental check of how hungry I am, whether I need to go to the bathroom)...check the clock...what day is it?....can't believe it's been 11 years since this album came out...(instant recall/reliving of some sort of emotions or feelings from when Pearl Jam's "Yield" was released)...the bottom drawer of the dresser is slightly open...
:03 -- is that the music from The Dark Knight coming from the tv now? I almost typed cocoon instead of coming (millisecond of worry about neurological disorders). Remember the movie Cocoon? Wilford Brimley - he was always stern and mad at kids. And he was born 60 years old. (is that a hunger pain? - hunger/bathroom check...still good) head itches. the lighting outside has changed again....(instant flurry of past moments that the light reminds me of)...
:04 -- gunshot from outside - someone hunting or maybe people being murdered nearby? What if they were being murdered and the killer decided to kill off everyone else in every house in the area. We'd have no way of knowing what was going on because we dismiss the gunshots as hunters. My hip hurts. (scans room and assesses the articles of clothing that are visible) what day is it?
:05 -- (mental hunger/bathroom check) getting hungry, what to eat? there goes Killian into the bathroom. (stops music from playing - too distracting) Nike shoes. University of Oregon. The guy who owns Nike gives tons of money to U of Oregon's athletic program. Green jerseys. Rain. Pacific Northwest. Seattle. Visiting Seattle when I was 15. Seafood. Mount Rainier. My foot is falling asleep.
:06 -- thinking too hard...mind screeching to halt...all tied up in knots...remember that movie I saw as a kid - or rather, the scene from the movie -- some poor guy had been captured by the mob or other bad guys and was tied to a chair with his legs tied to the seat of another chair. A guy with a bat then broke his legs. It messed me up as a little kid - made me afraid of having my legs broken...which transferred over to fear of injury in ways other than having mobsters break one's legs between chairs with bats. Plus the horror that that man must have felt not just having his legs broken but the anguish of knowing he wouldn't be able to walk and would have severe impairments even after his bones healed. Foot is still asleep. (mental hunger/bathroom check) hairball is still on the floor. Where's Killian now? head itches. Need to finish this and get moving. But have to make it to 10 "seconds." This is a stupid idea. Losing steam already. Quit criticizing yourself. Shut up. You shut up. Shut up is one of the many crass terms contributing to the downfall of our society. Each time a kid or young person tells another to shut up - our future grows that much dumber.
:07 -- how many coins on the dresser? silence in the kitchen now. Where's Killian? What time is it? (random memory of eating at Pizza Inn with the guys a few weeks ago) I don't want to eat at Pizza Inn. Where will we eat lunch today? They'll want fast-food.... my old red sweatshirt sitting on a box near the tv - haven't worn that in a while. What am I doing at the gym today? (random glance out of the window brings instant reminder of the sky/trees looking that way on a few particular days 3 years ago) foot twitching. hope it's not serious.
:08 -- having mental conversation with Jonathan while typing this. (looks at top of dresser and assesses each item) Need to get moving. (checks the clock and calculates whether there's time to go to the gym this morning) Thud from somewhere in the house. I need to read more non-textbooks. I think it's supposed to rain today. Don't know what to have for breakfast, nothing ever sounds good. Houston Astros. Jeff Bagwell. Craig Biggio. I don't even like the Astros. Astro the dog from the Jetsons. "Rat's rall right, Reorge!" Family Guy spoofing Elroy Jetson as a burned out drunk in his grown up years being thrown out of a bar and into a cab driven by Bam Bam (from the Flintstones): "take me to Astro's grave!" This leads to the time Family Guy spoofed a Peanuts 10 year reunion where Charlie Brown was a burned out drug addict who had sold Snoopy and Woodstock bad drugs leading to their deaths. Breakfast cereal. Why the association between cereal and the Houston Astros? Maybe because the Asros' colors and logo bear some resemblence to cereal box logos and colors. Hungry. Don't want cereal. Jeans on the floor near my backpack. When did I last have a beer?
:09 -- What will people think when they read this? Will anyone actually read it? Ear itches. (random Family Guy quote) (random memory of watching the Bears play the Tennessee Titans on tv this past fall) Need to eat. My truck seat is a torture rack. Staring into space....
:10 -- What music do I feel like listening to in the truck this morning? Sudden random irritation and annoyance for no reason at all. Don't forget the hairball. Killian better be behaving wherever he is. Not good to end a setence with "is." Grammar goes out the window when documenting one's thoughts....or (insert snide comments about other real-world writing). What's today's date? Foot twitching again. Fast twitch muscle fibers. Fiber in cereal. Cereal boxes that resemble the Houston Astros logo/colors. Boo-Berry, Crunch-Berry, Count Chocula. None of those resemble the Astros. Are the Cubs going to be any good this year? Been sitting like this too long, sciatica hurts. The cheesiness and fakeness of those medic-alert bracelet commercials. (millisecond worry about growing old and hoping medical science cures the aging process) Phone call from Ryan. Train of thought destroyed. (was there a train to begin with?)
So yeah....hope you enjoyed that. I'm not sure how accurate of a description it is...in fact, I'm sure I'll think of better ways I could have described the world of ADD to you "normies" later on. But for now -- I'm off...
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