Pre-Christmas Thoughts

Why do "they" make it sound like getting alternate student loans for college is easy and simple? It's not. In fact, it seems much more likely that the whole thing is a scheme to get people to spend time and money going to school for 3 years and then make it impossible for them to get the necessary funds to complete their degree. Then they sit back and laugh. "They" should be rounded up and fed to pteradactyls. (I think I just misspelled pteradactyls...but I'm too lazy to go look up the correct spelling)

Is anyone else disturbed by these Gap commercials with the little girls dancing around doing a cheer about how their clothes are "officially retired?" There's just something...wrong about it. And the cheer gets stuck in my head. "I love my comfy sweater - I love my comfy sweater - how cute are these boots? how cute are these boots?" Consequently the ad has taught me the "talk to the moose" thing where you stick your hands against your head like moose-antlers (this is as opposed to simply saying "talk to the hand" and extending one's hand palm outwards.). Hey, student loan people - talk to the moose! ....and my fist....

Did anyone else hear about the octopus that carries coconut shells across the seafloor and uses them as shelter? It's the first documented instance of an invertebrate, such as an octopus, using tools. Pretty cool stuff....wish I had an octopus....I bet he could get a student loan....(grumble grumble grumble)....

Did they really come out with more stupid reality singing shows recently? I see society's IQ continues to drop at an alarming rate. Maybe an evil one-world government is just what some of this world needs. Let the rest of us go colonize Mars first, though. And we're taking the octopi with us! (That's plural for octopus)

I heard we have a chance for a tiny amount of snow on Saturday. Less than an inch. You know what this means? All the grocery stores will be cleaned out of milk and bread in the next 48 hours. All generators in the tri-state area will be sold out. Salt trucks will be running non-stop beginning at noon today. Gas lines. Gas line brawls. Shoving matches in church parking lots. 3 weeks without power. College football mascots flying F-14s and doing barrel-rolls while Van Halen blasts from gigantic hidden speakers which can somehow be heard but not seen by everyone within a 100 mile radius. ........I know I can't wait!

I just realized this morning that we don't have a Christmas tree up in the house. Wow. Just...wow. I'd also like to take this moment to metaphorically get in everyone's face and say that they are CHRISTMAS TREES not "Holiday trees." Political correctness is a disease. It's way worse than swine flu. But not as profitable as global warming....(wink)

How come it's so much easier for me to write blogs on days when I really need to be studying, writing papers, or working on important Christmas break projects for professors?

Abe Lincoln or Layne Staley?

If you had the power to not only go back in time, but to ensure that certain people would not be able to die untimely (early) deaths - and you had to choose between someone like an Abe Lincoln or JFK and a Layne Staley/Kurt Cobain/John Lennon type -- who would you choose?

Between Lincoln and Staley - I'm going with Staley. Lincoln had pretty much peaked. What more was he going to do with his life? Staley, on the other hand, if he were unable to die an untimely deaht - no overdosing, no suicide, no fatal grizzly bear attacks - he would have several more decades of creating music. That's infinitely more beneficial to the world than an ex-president going around the speaking circuit and campaigning for other politicians.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just the miserably dreary 40 degrees, rain, and wind (perfect Alice In Chains weather) while the rest of the country experiences winter wonderlands with peace and harmony and no work or school and hot chocolate for everyone and cats and dogs riding sleds together as Christmas songs rain down from the heavens and everyone is happy and smiling and life is one big Christmas commercial as families lob snowballs at each other and laugh amongst the pine trees with more precious snow fluttering down around them in a very picturesque and timeless scene and all is good....all is good......

Spartans! Prepare for Glory!.....and Final Exams!

I'm writing to you from the threshold of Finals Week. All the tidal-wave-esque papers, projects, presentations, and assignments have been completed, vanquished, suffered through, and annihilated. Just a few more exams and then a few weeks of decompressing....

So the Bears managed to win today. And Cutler didn't throw any interceptions! I'm not on the Cutler-Hating bandwagon - in fact, I've started my own bandwagon as a Bears fan -- the Our-Offensive-Line-and-Coaching-Staff-Are-Pretty-Darn-Crappy bandwagon. Feel free to jump aboard - we have honey roasted peanuts (from Publix - not Planters brand...is there anything Publix can't produce that doesn't turn out amazing? Oh, that's right...most of you have never heard of Publix...well, it's the greatest grocery store chain that I know of...) 5-7....that's just the kind of record that leaves a team out of the playoffs but also out of the higher picks in the draft. Oh, but wait...we traded away our draft picks for Cutler...soooooo....

Tonight is the college football BCS Bowl selection. Where will my Canes end up? There's a chance they could be in the Music City Bowl playing against UK. More likely they'll be playing somewhere in central Florida. Speaking of Florida....it was so utterly satisfying to see the Gators lose last night. But I discovered that I do not hate Tim Tebow....just the hype he gets. In fact, I felt a little bad for Tebow...he seemed genuinely upset at the end. As for Urban Meyer...he can go play in traffic.

Have I vented about how this season of The Office has been very disappointing? What's that? "Every single day" you say? Really? I didn't think I brought it up THAT much. Well, not to ram a point into the rock-hard and wind-swept ground, but it HAS been quite disappointing. I want more hilarity and random goofiness! I want Dwight setting the office on fire! I want Michael kidnapping pizza delivery guys! I want grizzly bears with anti-aircraft guns! I want furniture being kicked around! I want Cheez-its!

hmmm...I just remembered a time when I was going to try to make this blog more serious and thoughtful. Or at least in between the random nonsense and musings, make some deep comments on life that my readers could perhaps find inspiring, poignant, or otherwise appreciate. But no...instead, I just go on about football and complain about The Office. (which, by the way, is the funniest show on tv...and Dwight Schrute is now my favorite tv character of all-time)

Thanksgiving went by in a blur. Quite literally. I was working on my kidney project the whole time. On Thanksgiving day I greeted family as they arrived by asking them if they happened to know the flow rate of solutes out of the proximal tubule. I took a 4 hour break to socialize and eat dinner...and then was back at it. I miss the years when we had tons of extended family in for the holiday. Extra tables had to be brought in and pushed together. 2 or 3 turkeys had to be cooked. I had to be picked up from the airport, as in most of my memories of such times - I was in college (the first time). Board games were played. Movies were watched. Guitars appeared and songs were played and sung. Life seemed like an endless ocean spread out before me, filled with countless opportunities and chances to make memories - to live out all the dreams I had. That sense of urgency had not yet taken hold...that full, soul-shaking realization that an end not only existed - but was just within sight on the horizon. It was much easier to be tripped up by, as well as take for granted, the little things. Now all hands are on deck....life spins past ever faster and faster (an engineer might say it moves exponentially). Soon Christmas will be upon us...and then a new year....I still remember a friend and I always saying that whenever 2010 rolled around it would mean that we were officially old. That and whenever Sean Connery passes away. (May the one true Bond live a thousand more years!)

So folks, as we progress through this holiday season - if you catch yourself in a lull or moment of doubt...remember that life moves too fast to try and catch or keep restrained, you just have to appreciate the little moments that you have the opportunity to savor. Put a little evil grin on that face and create a memory - something you CAN hold onto. Take it all in - let it roll around your soul - and then do whatever you can to make that moment stand out and be special for those around you. Smiles. It's always better to have a memory full of smiles and laughter than one of boredom, tragedy, and regret. If we're all going to end up going over the waterfall no matter what - then we might as well enjoy the ride while we can.

Just Nodding My Head to Prove I'm Alive

Yes, I've been neglecting this blog for a while now. The reasons? First -- school. There just hasn't been time for much else outside of engineering related stuff. Second -- I think I fell into that natural tendency of mine to over-think what I was writing about and got to a point where I was hearing the criticisms of others before even writing anything. So, here's a nice, easy step back into entertaining all 3 of you who read these things....

Thanksgiving is fast approaching...my favorite holiday. Some folks prefer ham over turkey, which to me is simply outrageous. Even outside of a holiday meal - a full-sized turkey vs a full baked ham -- the turkey always wins in my book. And there's no such thing as too much turkey. It's meant to be consumed for a week after the actual holiday in sandwiches, reheated plates of leftovers, and even turkey-a-la-king. In fact, in this spirit of complete government control of all aspects of our lives and mandating every minute detail -- why don't they just make it a rule that sufficient turkey must be prepared such that all immediate family members and hangers-on can indulge in turkey eating until at least the end of the weekend? Turkey Czars? Why not! We have czars for everything else....

College football is nearing the end of its regular season and the NFL only has a couple more months. Meanwhile the dreadful NBA is already back in action. Just like John Mayer (though, admittedly not as awful and detrimental to society) the NBA should be abolished....or at least forced to only last for the few paltry months that the football season is limited to. This 9 months out of the year stuff is a crime against humanity!

Swine flue, swine flu, swine flu....did you get your shot? Not me. I got a regular flu shot as I've had them in recent years with no side effects. But I do not trust the hysteria or the rushed production of the swine flu vaccination. Rule of thumb -- never trust anything that has been politicized or overly hyped by the media. It's also a rule of thumb in chemical engineering to have the velocity of water through a pipe somewhere between 4 and 10 feet/second. (or is it 4 and 7......crap....)

I haven't been to the movies since August, so I have no reviews. in fact, other than a trip to Garden of the Gods with the family a few weeks ago and the school-trip to Nashville for our national conference, I haven't left the house at all on the weekends!

The Office....in the last few months it has become my official favorite show on tv. The wedding episode was fantastic, but all of the new episodes since (with the exception of this past week's) have been quite disappointing. And other Office fans that i know seem to feel the same way. Hopefully this most recent episode is a sign that they are getting their groove back. Dwight being Dwight, Jim playing pranks, Michael doing awkward and ridiculously stupid things...that's the magical formula that made the show so great. Michael at the shareholder's meeting was superb! "45 day plan....45 points....45 points in 45 days..."

Okay, I'm hitting the wall and there's much engineering stuff to be done today. If I don't write again before Thanksgiving - have a good one and send me your leftovers.

Awards, Hype, Corporations, and Interstellar Zoos

Because it was suggested, I'm going to try to squeeze out a short blog this morning.

So our supreme leader has been given the Nobel Peace Prize? This is another farce in this train-wreck of a presidency -- but considering some of the past winners (and the state of society in general), I probably shouldn't be surprised at all. From my understanding the nominations were due by February 1st....show he managed to perform such wondrous works of peace-making prior to that date.

I really don't think there are many people in this world today deserving of a Peace award. Certainly not any political leaders. In fact, I think politicians should be excluded from the award completely. Maybe if there are still some Mother Theresas out there -- give it to them.

I'm ready for the aliens to come and "wipe this place clean" (to quote Trent Reznor's Nine Inch Nails song "The Warning"), just as long as they accept my volunteering to be in the human exhibit of the Interstellar Zoo. And I humbly request either Kate Beckinsale or Adriana Lima to share my cage with.

Hey - did anybody else catch that stuff about school-kids being made to sing pro-obama songs recently? Obviously, you wouldn't have heard about it on in the mainstream media. It was pretty sickening stuff.

Lots of new music came out last month: Muse's "The Resistance" (amazing album -- and lyrically works as a soundtrack for those of us opposed to socialism and the movement to a one-world government), Pearl Jam's "Backspacer" (in case you missed it I was quite upset that they made an exclusive deal with Target and thus it was not available in a physical form here in our area where there are no Targets....in fact, let's get off track a little...Pearl Jam, being the liberals that they are, have always been very anti-corporation and about wanting the fans to hear their music without having to pay a lot of money. They always have done a good job of keeping concert ticket prices reasonable. But in this case, they completely and epically failed. Apparently all corporations are evil....except Target. But in so limiting the distribution of their album, people like me did not have access to it. True, it was available on ITunes, but some of us prefer having a tangible CD in our hands -- plus the CD has a higher sound quality. So, the band ended up limiting access to the music. Plus we all had to pay MORE than normal to get it. Best Buy is typically the cheapest place to get new CDs. Target is always more expensive. And if you do not have a Target within driving distance, you would have to either order from one online (thus incurring shipping costs) or from Pearl Jam's own website (at a higher price and again with shipping costs...it would cost about $20 actually). I would hope that after all this they would realize that not all corporations are evil and that most actually provide a service to people. By being gigantic distributors of products, these corporations make goods available to the masses at affordable prices. Does the corporate world itself suck? Yes, of course. Do I long to see mission statements, stuffy boardroom meetings, policies, procedures, HR departments, resumes, phoney handshakes, and the other rigid formalities of that world fall not just by the wayside but completely off the map and into the abyss? DEFINITELY YES PLEASE LORD MAKE IT SO!!!! But despite the detestability of the corporate world, I'm glad to have Wal-Marts and Best Buys around so I can buy the things I want/need and not have to spend more than I think I should have to.

Well, that was fun. Back to engineering stuff for me....

Musing Upon 19

Stephen King was right. It's all about 19. A decade ago I was 19 and while life was still a vast, seemingly limitless expanse before my third eye, I could already sense its precipitous and fleeting nature. An early hint of that feeling which sunk in somewhere in the mid-twenties - when life suddenly felt very short and swooping past at an alarming rate. As if one had just been shoved off a cliff and realized the surroundings were moving faster and faster and the ground loomed larger and closer.

19 is like noon. It becomes the reference point of our lives. In the morning we always look towards noon. In the afternoon we look back at it. It's the turning point. And 19 (or somewhere thereabouts) is when things start to shift. Those deviously intangible things that only make clear sense in our minds. Where if we attempted to describe it to another human being we would stumble awkwardly over the words and then give up and go watch football. At 19 you can look up at those lovely eastern clouds at sunset (the ones that soar like mountains, but are painted in glorious blues and purples with white peaks illuminated by the sun as it fondly waves goodbye for the night) and imagine seeing whatever dream those clouds inspire actually come true. But in later years, that confidence fades, the swirling pull of time floods those dreams with doubts and all we can do is imagine another reality where such dreams are possible.

19 is a time when everything is incredibly slow, though we do not realize at the time. The 19 reality is vivid and sharp, as if Life itself wants to impress upon you the importance of that era. Like how a ball thrown into the air pauses for a moment at its highest point. Timelessness.

On a September evening in my 29th year I went running beneath a magnificent sky which held a modest assortment of those soaring, mountainous clouds I so love. On my Iphone (a device my 19 year old self would have marveled at) I listened to a song I first heard almost exactly a decade before. It had the same feeling as back then, though perhaps with some added layers from the years. As often happens I felt as if I could literally still be 19 - as if I could run right through a hole in reality and find myself 10 years in the past and it would seem perfectly fitting. And it hit me that a decade from now I'll likely still feel the same way. As if I've only been on this planet a matter of hours and that there is no possible way I have experienced all those years. And that nauseous falling feeling will begin to claw at me. That this cannot be reality, life cannot be this short, I'm only 19! There's still an ocean of time and possibilities and opportunities and experiences and lives to live spread out before me!

But only the 19 year old sees that ocean. The later versions instead see the edge of the abyss, like those old paintings when people believed the earth was flat and that ships would just sail off into nothingness. Or instead maybe there's a massive wall of water that with each passing day or year looms closer and closer. The inevitable in all its glory.

And so the 29 year old renews his vows that he must fill his remaining years with meaning, with accomplishments, with moments that he wishes would drag out a little slower - like a ball at its highest point.

September Pause

Has it really been nearly 3 weeks since I last wrote something on here? Things have been busy. Free time - such as time to spend typing random gibberish on a blog that resides on a dusty, seldom-traveled side road of the internet - has become a scarce commodity.

But it's Friday evening....I just got over being sick for the last two weeks...I've been going nonstop with schoolwork and I'm just a little rundown and out of gas. I took a break last night for the Canes victory over Georgia Tech...but I still feel the need for more idle time. How about those Canes? Are we finally back? Man, I hope so....it's been a long, miserable few years of watching my beloved Canes' dynasty crumble and then be rebuilt. We Canes fans have suffered greatly - had our hearts broken (by other teams, our own team, and a certain coach who shall not be named) - had to endure the freakin' Florida Gators rise to dominance. And now...maybe...just maybe...we're back.

How about those Bears??? meh....not so much. Urlacher breaks his wrist and is done for the year. Cutler and the offense have a meltdown against the Packers. Ugh.......

I passed up drafting Adrian Peterson in my fantasy league's draft. (So did a couple of other people) I went with the Bears' Matt Forte instead - because he gets lot of receptions and receiving yards. Peterson typically does not. In fantasy football -- that matters! But after week 1 I am filled with regret. Especially when I see those cool Nike commercials where Adrian Peterson is running all over a dark, snowy field, tossing opponents out of the way as ominous music plays and finally at the end he sits down at his locker and appears to be some sort of alien or creature or secret army project. Awesome commercial....but nevertheless it shrouds my soul in the mists of Fantasy Draft Regret. It is a common and unfortunate affliction.

The latest Muse album (The Resistance) came out this week. It is quite frankly, unreal. Lyrically it's like protest music for those who see the insidious socialistic workings going on in our world today. A pre-emptive call to rise against the movements to a one-world-government, a fascist/socialist America, etc. If you're angry at the socialists - or just don't like any of the people in power (worldwide) and if you don't like the way our modern society tries to program us -- then you will find solace and a kindred spirit in this album. Musically they continue to evolve. One can hear a connection to their last album (Blackholes and Revelations), as well as David Bowie and Queen influences. A wide swathe of genres are represented -- from synthesizer-heavy foot-stompers to rhythmic hip-hop/pop vibes and the considerable orchestral arrangements. It feels like a concept album...like something from a by-gone era when bands made music because it was art and it came from inside them -- not just to put out hit singles and cash-in. I can't stop listening to it and I fear i will burn myself out on it soon.....like a moth to a flame....or a man to a beautiful girl....or Chaz to a beer.

A Little Something With Your Coffee

It's a Monday morning. And the final day of another month of all our lives that is slipping away into oblivion and the beyond. Time and life (not the magazines) - always in their relentless march, leaving us grasping at the air and begging for yesteryear.

I recently had some advice for a college freshman who had just moved into his dorm: Leave your door open at all hours and say hi to every single person who walks by. Not creepy hi. Not lame hi. Not sarcastic, I'm-a-skateboard-punk-who-says-hi-as-a-way-of-being-funny-to-my-skateboard-punk-friends hi. Just a nice, friendly smile and a "hey, what's up?" Don't be like me - wasting your freshman year living in a cave, seeing only unfriendly faces whenever you cross path with others when in all likelihood, they're just putting up a tough front like you. And this got me to wondering what I'm doing wrong now. What advice would my future self be screaming at me if he could go back in time (but naturally be unable to be heard by me or even seen...like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol)? Is he standing here right now, pleading with me, warning me, frantically trying to prevent the sands from slipping through the hourglass?

I find that the Foo Fighters (or maybe simply Dave Grohl's voice) always makes me feel 19 or 20. Whereas Thom Yorke's voice (Radiohead) feels more mid-20s. And Daniel Johns (Silverchair) seems to fit my current age, place, time, spot in the sun. (What any of that means to you, dear readers, I have no idea...I'm simply musing openly this morning...)

This weekend I was lucky enough to catch "Inglorious Basterds." Superb film. Much better than the current elitist flavor-of-the-year "District 9." IB didn't follow any predictable plot-line and at no point could I discern where the moving was going - meaning, no tired sigh and me thinking to myself "O-kay...I see what's going to happen now....get on with it..." (a very refreshing and pleasing aspect). The style was inescapably Tarantino-esque, but it also did not feel like a rehashing of his older works.

The poor souls who encounter me on a daily basis will now be burdened by an onslaught of Inglorious Basterds lines, repeated ad nauseum, for at least the coming weeks.

That's all I have this morning, folks. Keep fighting the good fight - trying to keep those hourglass sands at bay.

Random Saturday Thoughts

Random Saturday Morning Thoughts:

1. As I mentioned in today's FB status - I have no problem with the CIA using mock executions to gain information from terrorists. In fact, it's something I would expect and be upset if they DIDN'T use. Have we seriously gotten to the point where we won't let the people who are trying to stop the monsters (i.e. terrorists who spend every waking moment plotting to annihilate men, women, and children) to PRETEND to execute someone so as to intimidate or frighten these soulless gents into giving up information? What's next? Will the ACLU demand that Emeril cook all their meals personally? Front row seats to the Jonas Brothers? How about we're only allowed to ask them about potential plots against Americans in writing - once a month - and it has to be written on construction paper, in crayons, and must be phrased in a friendly and casual manner so as not to upset the poor dears? Meanwhile it's totally cool for the terrorists to bomb, shoot, disembowel, and re-enact every torture scene from the Saw movies on their victims. Madness!

2. The weather these past two months has been just amazing. (Yes, I just used the word "amazing" which happens to be the catchphrase of 18-20 year old girls when describing just about anything. Oddly enough, it was also used in the same manner, with the same inflection, and same pause between the "a" and "mazing" back when I was just a lad. Some things DO never change....) It's August and it is 80 degrees outside. We haven't had our usual droughts and I don't think we've had a single day in the triple digits all summer long. Wonderful weather! Phenomenal! A-mazing!

3. Why do I seem to have more dreams (or at least remember them far better) when I sleep on two pillows instead of just one?

4. I definitely should've seen "The Goods" last weekend instead of "District 9." My brother went and saw the former without me this week, so now I probably won't get to see it until it comes out on DVD. Actually, no. More like I won't get to see it until a few years from now when I'm at a friend's house and they say "you've never seen The Goods?!?!?! How did you not see it?!?! It's hilarious!" And then they'll put the DVD on, but 20 minutes in a pipe will burst in the kitchen or a wife will start having an allergic reaction, or a child will be throwing a temper tantrum, or a dog will lap up a few beers and get behind the wheel of the family SUV - and the movie will be stopped and I'll go home and it'll be another year or two before I catch the rest of it on TBS. What would I do without TBS?

5. Please. Please. PLEASE die reality tv! DIE! Reality tv is destroying what's left of our society's cognitive skills. The youth are already toast. It just needs to be abolished. Along with MTV. In fact, anyone associated with MTV or its programming should be rounded up and exiled to Siberia.

6. When one is making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, it is imperative that one use the "old fashioned" (full size) oats rather than the processed (and de-tastified) "quick 1-minute" oats.

7. Why do old men in gym locker-rooms insist on sitting completely naked and chatting with each other in front of other people's lockers? How is this a fun or enjoyable activity? Why not get dressed, leave the gym, and go chat over coffee or a sandwich somewhere? Aren't coffee and sandwiches and fully-clothed-conversations better than nude ones in food-less, moderately smelly locations where other men of varying ages and body tones are changing clothes?

8. I think cats see things that humans cannot.

9. Why do human beings spend 90% of their lives performing tasks they a) don't like, b) hate, c) find miserable, d) don't care about, or e) all of the above rather than spending the majority of their short time on earth doing things they actually enjoy and being around those they care about? It's insane! We get jobs and careers because we HAVE to, and then we're forced to spend most of our time toiling at them. I don't want to meet the man who would rather sit in a cubicle writing reports and giving presentations and checking regulations and protocols rather than be at home with his family or climbing a mountain or throwing a football with friends while grilling bratwursts. There's a small percentage of people out there who do not have to fall into this trap -- they truly love what they do or what they do is their dream. I do not want to fall into the trap, I want to be one of the lucky few. But the trap is like a gaping maw, a blackhole with a cackling laugh and giant neon signs around it like mouth tentacles on some nightmarish alien face that read "MISERY AHEAD," "THEY OWN YOU," "HAPPINESS IS NOT ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT," "IT'S UNFULFILLMENT FOR YOU, PAL." NO, no no! I do not want my life to be wasted like that! I only get one life - one shot! This isn't a game or a dream or a movie - this is real! REAL! ONE shot! No do-overs, no trying-it-again-next-time-around. THIS IS NOT A DREAM! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! THIS IS NOT A MOVIE! YOU ARE REAL! YES YOU! THE ONE READING THIS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY GOING THROUGH LIFE LIKE IT'S ONE BIG MOVIE THAT YOU'RE WATCHING! IT'S NOT A MOVIE! IT'S REAL! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! LOOK AT YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW! TELL YOURSELF -- "THOSE ARE MY HANDS! I AM REAL! THIS IS REALLY REAL RIGHT F'N NOW! THIS IS ALL HAPPENING!" Come off of the autopilot that we all leave on as we race through our daily lives. It gets harder to do the older you get. When I was a child I would frequently pause, look at my hands, tell myself something like I just told you to say, and it would literally (totally serious) hit me that I was real and alive and it would fill me with this mixture of dawning and panic and understanding. It was scary but also life-affirming. It was always literally like waking up from a sleep. But it would only last a few moments and I could feel my body and mind slipping back under.....now that I'm older it's harder to achieve these moments....but when they come they are still rather shocking to the system. I'm sure right now your autopilot is dismissing all this that I'm saying - maybe you're laughing to yourself - "oh, that Rick...he's so goofy, where does he come up with this stuff?" But I'm honestly telling you that if you can turn that autopilot off and "awake" for just a few moments, it will leave you feeling like the sky was just removed from the earth and you heard God clearing his throat up there.

Let the constant studying begin

The Fall semester begins tomorrow (for some of us, at least). Some of my big, menacing engineering textbooks arrived this weekend. I've been reading through them a bit and have to say that they are at least more interesting than anything we covered last year. But that's not saying much. That train of thought has led me to the notion of rating my interest in different potential course subjects. On a scale of 1-5, with 1 being complete disinterest, misery, and ranting about the subject's pointlessness and 5 being a subject that does not require effort to pay attention nor feel like "school" or "work." Everybody got that? Okay, here goes:

Last year's subjects:
Differential Equations (a.k.a. Calculus IV): 0 (I would give it a negative rating, but I'm afraid someone would misinterpret the minus sign and think I was just giving it a good grade. The asinine textbook attempted to teach a "math" subject with lots and lots of words! As much as I love the written word, I do NOT learn math through vague paragraphs explaining equally vague concepts about mathematical nonsense.)

Physics II: 1 (Circuits, charges, resistors? Ugh, I don't care. But at least there were fewer lousy X-Y graphs and Calculus equations mixed in than there were in Physics I)

Thermodynamics: 1.5 (Horrifically vague and conceptual -- not just to me, but to all engineering students. Page after page of outlandish equations. And to make matters worse our textbook was written for Hell's Engineering College, where students are tortured for eternity with books that are mostly incoherent and indecipherable.)

Materials Science: 0.5 (The only edge is had over DE was that it was not entirely about insipid Calculus functions and actually covered real-life concepts. Unfortunately, the class came after 3 other back-to-back-to-back classes, leaped around from concept to concept, covered a thousand different annoying and similar equations, and was taught in such a manner as to make it seem like a good way to get information out of captured terrorists. Even though I was utterly disinterested in DE, by the end I didn't mind going to that class -- but Materials was misery. Pure misery.)

Potential Classes, Future Classes, Other Past Classes, Etc:
College Football 101: 5
Advanced Beer Brewing: 5
Victoria's Secret Supermodels Field Study: 5
Animal Behavior: 5
The Works of Joseph Heller, Douglas Adams, and Mark Twain: 5
Straight Forward How-To Make, Fix, Heal, and Perform Everything From Penicillin to Minor Surgery: 5
Comedic Improv: 5
Fantasy Sports Science: 5
Independent Study - Novel Writing: 5
World War II History (without perspective of the "blame America" crowd, i.e. American not presented as a negative entity): 5
Film-making: 4.5
Wine-tasting and Cheese-eating: 4.5
Tomato Farming: 4.5
Straight Forward Specific Explanation of how Medications React With the Human Body (no x-y graphs or equations allowed): 4
Astronomy: 4
Wildlife Biology: 4 (potential for 5)
Firearm Instruction and Safety: 4
Script-writing: 4
Pyschology: 4
Theories of Stephen Hawking: 3.5
Space Exploration: 3.5 (potential for 4 or 4.5 depending on professor and presentation of material)
UFOs and Other Unexplained Phenomenon: 3.5 (loses points because it has the potential to get really wacky and baseless)
Study of Military Aircraft and Seagoing Vessels Throughout History: 3.5
Military Tactics: 3
Rollercoaster Design: 3
Coffee - From the Field to Your Cup: 3
Surviving in the Wild/Surviving Collapse of Civilization: 3
Meteorology: 3
Botany: 2.5
Infectious Diseases: 2.5
Anatomy: 2.5
History of the Olympic Games: 2
Skyscraper Engineering: 2
Aeronautical Engineering: 2
Biology: 2
Property Law: 2
Criminal Law: 2
Economics: 1
Cell Biology: 1
Statistics: 1
Physics: 1
How-To Use Your Graphing TI Calculator: 1
Computer Programming: 0
Calculus: 0
Study of X-Y Graphs: 0
Talking on the Phone With Credit Card Companies: 0
Dealing with Academic and Federal Bureaucracy: 0
Self-Dentistry: 0

Saturday Night Special

Tonight I bring you:
Random Made Up Lines From Novels That Do Not Exist

1. Life is a funny thing. Not so much funny in an amusing or even ironic way, but more like a sadistic and master-pulling-the-rug-out-from-under-the-pupil manner. One minute you're a vibrant, invincible lad sailing heedlessly through your youthful years. A vast and endless sea of decades and opportunities spread out before you. And then a few teetering moments later, you drag yourself out of a garbage bin and begin the teeth-clenching process of removing used razor blades, defunct syringes, and diverse species of broken glass from your suddenly not-so-Teen-Beat skin.

2. Carpel Tunnel Syndrome Man was back to his old tricks. He had fumbled his way into the entryway, past the morose plant of unknown origin and type which just insisted on lurking there by the door in its depressing little way, and now he had staggered near the pretty young coeds' apartment. The fruitful sounds that pretty young coeds make (when they're not being accosted by lecherous middle-aged men with apparently terminal carpel tunnel) drifted through the cheaply constructed walls and down both directions of the hall.

3. Dandelions. Dandelions upon dandelions. Dandelions begetting entire oceans of dandelion offspring. "Have you ever seen so many dandelions?" asked Shaw. "No. No I have not." Duncan replied. Other than the sun and the timid blue horizon, there were only dandelions to behold. A million dandelion factories operating at 110% capacity over countless day shifts and second shifts and midnight shifts and even super secret double atomic shifts could not produce this many dandelions in a reasonable or even barely sane timespan. Sure, one might point out that dandelion factories would likely have unions, and thus with the presence of such a progress and profit destroying mechanism, the inability to produce the envisioned number of dandelions is not all that surprising. But these theoretical dandelion factories would be union free -- and even then, would not be able to feasibly fill Shaw and Duncan's field of view with the appropriate number of dandelions.

4. "I remember that at some point I had the capacity to give a crap...but that time has passed."

5. The kindly old man seemed harmless enough. He had that grandfatherly air of warmth and gentleness. His attempt at a friendly smile appeared genuine. His thin gold collared shirt with the accidentally stylish short sleeves said that he was still vital enough to not be cold even in mid-summer. His cane said his hips and knees were on the fritz. And his wisps of unkempt gray hair said "at this point, do you think I really give a shit?"

6. "Get outta the car!" The gaping up-close view of a gun barrel filled Dave's vision such that he could no longer really see the car. If he could not see the car, then how could he obey the violently barked command being uttered repeatedly in his direction? "Get outta the car right now or you're dead!" Dave fumbled in the general area of the door handle. The inside rim of the barrel actually had a small silver ring. As Dave's addled brain mused over the craftsmanship of the gun barrel, his ears pulled themselves away from the tvs at their stations and resumed hearing things other than the continued threat of annihilation from the still un-comprehended figure behind the gun. Colleen. Ah yes, her. Her and her shrieking. So overpowering that his ears had simply opted to place those calls on ignore due to the threat of bodily harm coming from the opposite direction.

7. Brisbane stood at the podium, preparing to address the assembled students. Professor Thorndike and Vice-Dean of Student Concerns Westwood sat behind and to his left at a folding table pilfered from the Irish Students Association meeting that happened to be convening at the same time. Next door in the Cutler Building, the officers of the Irish Students Association sat on the floor, gazing up at their gathered brethren in various states of annoyance and confusion. The faculty goons who had taken their table had not even bothered to remove the ISA banner that had been hanging across its front. Nor had they even considered leaving behind the freshly printed information packets and sign-up information sheets that had come at significant out-of-pocket cost to the ISA. And not surprisingly, the faculty goons had also walked off with the ISA's priceless antique 12th century goat-skin map of Ireland which had been placed lovingly in the center of the table for all the members, both old and new, to enjoy. Professor O'Neil had been powerless to stop the faculty goons. As he had watched from the back of the room a thought occurred to him. Over an extended period of time, it was not inconceivable that an accumulation of slights such as this could very well lead to intense feelings of outrage and cultural angst in a specific group of people. He could almost see his beloved students field-stripping fully automatic assault rifles and speaking in the harsh clipped tones of the violently oppressed.

8. Andy's English voice strained and inched into a higher octave over the roar of the engines. "Are you sure you should be driving, Willy?" Willy turned away from the rapidly approaching and passing landscape ahead of the jet and gave Andy a disdainful look of supreme magnitude. "You don't drive a jet, you dumbass! You fly'em!" Andy wilted under Willy's continued Arkansas-ian aggression, as well as his intense whiskey-tinged breath.

America is starting to awake

Good morning, America. While you were asleep all these months, socialists made a power-grab. Get that coffee down and continue voicing your disgust with this health care nightmare plan they have. You don't want a government agency deciding which medical treatments you can have? Me neither. You don't like the idea of such a government body letting the sick and elderly die because it costs too much to treat them? You think that sounds a bit too much like legalized genocide? Yeah, me too. You think it's good that you can decide if and when you go to the doctor and generally get an appointment fairly soon? Yes, that is pretty nice. You mean you don't want to have to wait months or years and have the doctor you visit determined by the government? And you think it's wrong for the government to be able to access your bank account? What does that even have to do with health care? Why would that even be in the health care bill? And how come they feel this need to rush an extremely drastic and apparently UNREAD piece of legislation that affects every single aspect of our lives down our throats? Perhaps because America is not as stupid as they thought. (Or as we thought.) As outraged Americans tell members of Congress how they feel about their "plans," these "public servants" look down at us, say that we're all fakes, plants, "manufactured." The sad thing is, these career politicians with their superior attitudes will likely continue to ignore us, dismiss us, and see us as nothing more than gnats. Finally - FINALLY - other Americans other than myself seem to be awakening to the fake way that most politicians speak! That lawyer-esque, salesman, wishy-washy, dance-around-the-truth-by-saying-nothing-at-all disgusting soulless politician-speak! Keep the coffee coming, America. Keep fighting.


(a side note:)
For my liberal friends who may be thinking of answering the White House's call and reporting me to them for "spreading disinformation" regarding health care.....I ask how you would have felt had the Bush administration asked Americans to report on other Americans who were "spreading disinformation" about the Iraq War? I have heard that this could actually be illegal, as in the government cannot gather information on private citizens who are practicing their right to free speech. But if the White House wants to know who is spreading disinformation -- shouldn't they be reporting themselves and the DNC?

This is not a game. This isn't like going out to eat and trying something new and just seeing how it tastes. This isn't just a fun debate where one side wins and gets to go have a pizza party and be patted on the head by their professor.

Wake up, everybody!

If you don't think the mainstream media is completely in the tank for one side - consider this: recently there was a Tea Party rally in Columbus, Ohio. The MSM largely failed to even mention it - and when it was, it was passed off as "a few hundred people." According to video evidence and the Columbus police, there were between 8,000-10,000.

Yeah, we're all fake. Our anger is "manufactured." How could I forget that we're all just extremists who need to be watched by Homeland Security. How dare we call people who lie liars. How dare we express our opinions. How dare we not hand over our own minds and just let the almighty and omniscient government tells us how to live our lives.

(end rant)

Okay, I'm really going to try to write something more trivial and goofy for my next blog. But it's kind of like being on the front-lines of a battle and taking time out from shooting back to chat baseball. I know - I can expand on my theory about how talking about potty training is the female equivalent of fantasy football for men. That should be stress-free and enjoyable for all.

I Got Yer Teaching Moment Right Here

There's just so much flotsam floating around on the surface of my brain this morning....so here's a bit of it in random form....

1. The president spoke without knowing the facts on the Cambridge police incident and today is going to have a beer with the officer and the hatemongering, radical leftist professor who was arrested for disorderly conduct in what is being condescendingly spun as a "teaching" moment. So basically the officer, who by all accounts other than the president and other radical police-hating types (and the I'm-a-victim crowd) acted correctly, is going to be lectured to about why he was wrong. If I were Officer Crowley I would have politely declined this offer. Well...actually I probably would have taken the opportunity to make a public statement like "Sorry, I don't drink beer with sniveling Marxists who seek to gain unlimited control over the lives of Americans by lowering the nation to the level of all other nations because he believes it's not "fair" for us to succeed, not to mention rushing to shove Orwellian health care legislation down the throats of Americans who do not want the government making their health care decisions or limiting their treatment options or deciding who dies and who can live or who gets born or who gets aborted or selling out the futures of every young person in this country with more spending than any president in US history."

2. If you haven't taken a close look at this health care legislation - you really need to. And if you support it, then please wake up and realize this is not going to be good for anyone. Rationing of treatment. Having to wait months just to see a doctor. Having a bureaucrat decide whether or not you are worthy of a particular treatment. It is essentially legalized genocide of the elderly, disabled, and terminally ill. Unless, of course, you happen to be in Congress or the President -- because the new health care laws won't apply to them. Sure -- "you can keep your plan" -- that is until your policy changes or your premium changes or you change jobs -- then (unless they have since removed this sneaky, underhanded, control-freak provision) there's a little section of the bill that requires you to be put on a government approved plan. It's a little like telling the public they can still eat beef - no one's going to make a law saying they can't -- but then requiring all the cattle farmers to only use their animals for milk. It's designed so that the government can "say" that they're not going to eliminate private insurance, while at the same time all but assuring that private insurance will be eliminated. Then EVERYONE (except Congress and the president) will be on the government health care plan and the government will have incredible control and power over every single person's life.

3. Moving on....I'd recommend avoiding skin cancer if you can. Even the non-surgical methods of treatment are not that fun.

4. I'd also just like to say that John Mayer is a menace to humanity and must be destroyed.

Liking John Mayer = liking reality tv = liking MTV = liking government run health care = liking socialism = liking eating the contents of dirty diapers = DMB fans = thinking guys who sing with nasal-high-pitched-whiny voices and/or fake pronounced breaths during singing (a la Mayer, Jonas Bros, and the Family Guy example of a douchebag with guitar singing the song about Water under a tree to a group of girls) are amazing = being an idiot = needing to be ____.

Also, the band Phish and anyone associated with Rolling Stone magazine get _____ as well.

Bill Hicks quote and blank sections have been edited by the political correctness police.

5. I aced my summer class. Hurray for me. And I did it with cancer. See -- having cancer does make you better at things.

6. Apparently there is a nation-wide severe tomato blight going around this year. So perhaps my tomato growing struggles are not just my own. The birds still refuse to eat the hornworms that I offer them.

7. Football is almost here! The long miserable off-season is nearly over. Consider this: 4 months from now the football seasons will be winding down. But 4 months AGO - it had already been several months since we last had football in our lives! Meanwhile the NBA and NHL are allowed to drag on 9 months out of the year with their wretched sports. It's a crime against humanity! Almost as bad as Marxists running our country and trying to turn it into a socialist utopia - where there is no middle class, those who work hard, succeed, and earn money are punished and have their wealth redistributed, and small businesses are starved into extinction. But football is almost here...there is hope for both my Canes and Bears...

8. The weather this past month has been absolutely wonderful! I cannot remember a July this temperate (77-85 mostly). Plus we haven't had our usual drought. It's been quite lovely, I say, quite lovely...

Alright, that's all for now. Tune in next week when I insult the lawnmower and then invite it into the garage to lecture it on why it should feel bad and apologize to me.

Always Look on the Bright Side of....Skin Cancer?

I just learned from my dermatologist's office that the little spot above my eye is/was indeed a small cancer. I should be fine - if there's a good kind of cancer to get, this sounds about like it. I have to put some special cancer-fighting ointment on it and go back to the doctor in a few months.

I can't help but wonder if I would be allowed to get that special ointment under the nationalized health care. Did you know that in Great Britain they have a board (the acronym is NICE) which essentially serves as a rationing board. They determine which medicines, treatments, etc can or can't be used and the best course of treatment in individual cases. Remember, the biggest insanity of the nationalized/universal/obama-care health plan is that it will no longer be up to you and your doctor to make decisions regarding your health and your treatment -- it will be bureaucrats.

Something else I feel I have to beat into everyone's heads: Just because a politician (or Supreme Court nominee) says something does NOT mean it is a) true, b) how they really feel, or c) what they really plan to do. In fact, it's usually the opposite. Look at their actions, their initiatives, their stances -- and use your brain to piece together for yourself what this person is all about. Right now there is a power grab underway - and one of the key factors is the general public's lack of attention span and incredible tendency to be distracted.

The obama-care plan has a rationing board, too. Their acronym is ICE.

Oh, and uh, the president and Congress? The universal health care plan does not apply to them. Just us. The little people. After all, we're not smart enough or enlightened enough to decide things for ourselves. And a bunch of us "cling" to our "guns and religion." We need a big government there to take care of us and watch us and think for us and decide when we die and if we can even be born.

Ah, but where was I? Oh yes....cancer. I have cancer. And I'm looking on the bright side of it. Here's a few of the good things that now come with my diagnosis:

1. Cancer jokes! It's like when Jerry Seinfeld's dentist converted to Judaism and began making Jewish jokes.
2. Attention and sympathy from friends, professors, and pretty nurses. (I don't care how small or non-life-threatening the cancer is -- if I have to deal with a cancer in my body, by golly, I have the right to make the most of it!)
3. Nike endorsement deals and commercials of me riding a bike while chugging Gatorade and pitching no-hitters in my Under-Armour in between hardcore workouts and winning all those Relay-For-Life races.
4. From now on, I have a new rock-solid comeback to anything: "Yeah well, I had cancer!"
5. No more getting teased for putting on sunblock before and during every round of golf.
6. Instantly a large portion of my favorite movie lines now can be slightly altered to include cancer as the subject and thus gain new significance: "They may take tiny portions of our skin - but they'll never take - our - FREEDOM!"

I'm sure there's more, but I get the feeling I'm bordering on In-Bad-Taste-Land here....Wait a minute, I'm the one with cancer! You can't criticize me! I can do whatever I want!

(it's really annoying having such a powerful and immensely large internal critic that you automatically "hear" friends' criticizing you before you do something...it's probably why writing is such a struggle at times....)

Irritant Interview

We're coming to you live from the sidelines where a veritable rogues gallery of Irritants have assembled themselves here on this field of battle to pester, frustrate, annoy, enrage, and otherwise upset our regular intrepid writer. (Before anyone begins with the snide remarks about how none of the following is all that important or significant in the grand scheme of things and that our dear friend should control himself like a walking robot devoid of emotions - please note that we here at The Evil Grin recognize the insignificance of life's little annoyances and that this entire blog is meant to entertain and amuse, so please...just relax.)

It's nearly halftime now and here come the mosquitoes - bathed in Rick's blood as they leave the field. We go to our sideline reporter, the lovely Kate Beckinsale in her leather catsuit. And for our Human Resources department, notice that I in no way implied, insinuated, or stated that the catsuit made her appear sexy, "hot," or attractive in any manner. I simply made a factual observation that she is wearing a leather catsuit. My statement was no more harassing than if I were to point out that someone's pet chimpanzee were wearing a diaper.

Kate: The mosquitoes have just finished ravaging Rick's ankles while he was outside lamenting the condition of his tomato plants. All summer long these mosquitoes have been on the attack, morning, noon, and night with no apparent need for rest or other interests besides following Rick around and slowly draining him of bodily fluids.

Sounds like he'd prefer to have you following him around....

Kate: Yes, I think that would be fairly obvious. The mosquitoes are now going to lurk here on the sidelines until Rick ventures outside again. Mosquitoes, tell us, how effective were you at irritating Rick?

Mosquitoes: Oh man, it was great! We knew he was going to come out and check on those tomato plants, right? So we made a plan with the plants to team up on him. While he was busy getting frustrated with them we hit him from below. We focused on his ankles on purpose, you see? That way there would be the added irritation of wondering WHY we only chewed on his ankles! In his mind, it was almost as if we did it on purpose - which takes the frustration value to a whole 'nother level!

Kate: I see. He did seem quite aggravated as he tried to combat you fellows while also dealing with the plants. I hear the tomato plants really have been giving Rick trouble lately. For more on that, let's go back to our soon-to-be-blacklisted-for-sexual-harassment-analyst in the booth.

Thanks, Kate. We'll always have that time you passed out at the Christmas party. What? You don't remember that? Awww, that's a shame.... Anyway, yes, the tomato plants have been a great irritant lately as nothing Rick does seems to be keeping them healthy. First there were soil problems, then a case of black spot blight, then drainage issues, then more blight, and recently the dreaded Hornworm invasion began. Now some of the plants are just about beyond saving and others appear headed towards imminent doom. Just as the mosquitoes were settling in at the Rick buffet, he noticed that one of the healthier (and more productive) plants had, for no apparent reason, split down the middle under the weight of all the fruit it was bearing. It seems there's just no winning this season with the tomato plants. Rick thought he'd learned a lot from last season and that this year would see marked improvement. But that has not been the case. Truly frustrating.

Let's recap the first half of today's matchup: The onslaught began when Rick awoke at 5AM unable to sleep due to fighting cats and indigestion. The cats have been going at it all week and both appear to be staking claim to Rick's person. The indigestion has not gone away today, like a little old lady holding onto a marble rye - it just won't give up. Then chemistry joined the fray with it's seemingly pointless and confusing-just-for-the-sake-of-being-confusing subject matter. Do they ever explain how to make penicillin or plastic or clean water? No, just more calculus and irritating X-Y graphs that only seem useful to people who see the world in X-Y graph form. But Rick does not see the world in X-Y graph form -- when he sees a tree, he sees a tree! Not a series of points on a graph with a mindless curve and an insipid slope and a made-up-mumbo-jumbo natural log! These things do not matter! They have no place in reality! A sine curve means nothing! But a fist through a computer screen means everything!

Oh...he's fully enraged now. They've blown the whistle for halftime and they are trying to placate him and get him off of the field before he starts breaking things. He's hungry and the day is slipping away from him and I can see that desperate gleam in his eyes! He's pummeling the referees now. It appears he's filling one's mouth with polysporin, the same substance that has caused the allergic outbreak on his forehead. Please remove small children from the room! He has his chemistry textbook now....he's screaming at the crowd....he's pointing....I keep hearing something about how most of the people in this world are idiots....now he's punted the textbook and is running towards one end of the stadium. He appears to be headed towards some sort of large, tarp-covered object. He's removing the tarp...it's a van or truck of some kind. There's writing on the side.....it says, "Roving Gas Chambers: The Cure For Idiocy and Human Cancers - Because SLaughter is the Best Medicine." Oh, he stole that bit about slaughter from The Dark Knight! What a cheap bastard! He's doing donuts in the middle of the stadium now. Now he's headed for the sidelines! He just mowed over the mosquitoes! They're splattered all over the windshield! How he can still see to run over the tomato plants and chemistry books I can't fathom, but he's doing it! Now his bills are on the run! He's a madman, ladies and gentlemen! He's exiting the stadium! He's loose! My God, he's loose!

(We here at The Evil Grin would like to thank you for indulging us in another good idea gone wrong. As always, we're working to not over-think these things and instead allow them to develop naturally...but not in a "Green" cult kind of way. The Green cult can die in a fire. Perhaps we here at The Evil Grin need to go eat something before we go off the deep end of the Hitler pool.)

Indigestive Blogging

Too much pizza tonight. I have no reason to really feel guilty about indulging tonight, yet guilty is what I feel. Last night it was oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Around 10pm I decided to make them...and ate about a dozen....and then had more for breakfast this morning. But I don't have any reason to feel guilty. I've been working out hard lately - if anything, I could stand to put on a few pounds. Yet guilty I feel.

What else...what else....sometimes I wish I had one interest (like other bloggers) that I could focus on solely and write daily blogs about just that one topic. I guess I could start a different blog for each subject that interests me. No, the problem with that would not be coming up with things to say or keeping track of each blog. No, the problem would be: a) deciding WHICH subjects are interesting enough to me to be worth writing about regularly, b) not getting bored by these subjects, and c) not obsessively fretting over whether or not those subjects are truly my primary interests and if people will define me by those interests.

I signed up for Twitter last night. I'm not sure why....I suppose I was mostly curious. It's pretty interesting to follow famous people/musicians/etc that one is interested in. Someday people will hang on my every "tweet," just you wait....

September is shaping up to be a spectacular month. First - we have both the college and pro football seasons kicking off. As I say on an almost daily basis, the wretched NBA and NHL seasons seem to last year round - they taunt me as they drag on while the too-short football seasons barely get 4-5 months. I'm excited about both my Canes and Bears this year.

Second, we have Oktoberfest -- my favorite season for beer drinking....although, I do LOVE a nice cold summer lager at the end of a hot day....oh man....it's 11:30 and I'm about to go to sleep, but one of those sounds GREAT right now!

Third, music: Pearl Jam, Muse, and Alice In Chains are all scheduled to release new albums in the month of September.

Still no news on the mystery spot the doctor removed from my temple. But apparently I've had an allergic reaction to either the bandage or the polysporin I was using on the wound. I now have a vibrantly nasty colony of bumps surrounding the little craterous area where the potential cancer once lived. This has happened before...but I thought polysporin was okay and Neosporin was the suspect....hmmm.....apparently the list of odd things I'm allergic to is still growing...

Can We Split the Country In Two Yet?

(The following is from 6/30/09...it fell into a dark and murky corner of the blog until now)

I was planning on ranting and raving a little about the new Transformers movie, but other people have already covered it pretty well. Yes, I enjoyed it, but it was still one of the worst directed/produced movies I've ever seen. There's currently a headline article on Yahoo news about the atrocious plot holes. I also came across a chuckle-inducing (but not family friendly) satirical question and answer session about the movie. It was basically supposed to be one friend asking another friend about the movie. Very well done. Bravo to whoever wrote it.

Even now, 2 days after seeing the film, I still have these random realizations of moments in the movie that made no sense. Such as....

Since when is there a giant field behind the Smithsonian filled with retired aircraft?
How are the presence of Transformers on Earth a secret despite an epic battle in the middle of Los Angeles in the first movie?
How is that humans can go to Robot Heaven?
Robot Heaven????
Why does a movie about giant alien robots have to focus so much on a teenage love story and have annoying side characters while perfectly good giant alien robots spend most of the movie either in the background, off screen, or not saying anything?
How come the movies weren't preempted with more Michael Jackson coverage?

I could go on and on....but like I said, others have already taken the movie (and its abysmal director) to task. Despite my many, MANY complaints - it was still an entertaining movie...but it could have been SO much better. Just let me direct it next time. Please. There won't be any Shia LaBeouf, no Meagan Fox, no annoying side characters (like pointless roommates who do nothing but scream and be non-funny), no love story, no slow-motion cut-scenes in the middle of a big battle, no massive plot holes at every turn, no pushing the awesome giant alien robots to the background of the movie while lame-o humans occupy most of the screentime, and no killing off giant alien robots before they've had a chance to establish themselves.

(The following is from today....fresher and unlike it's older friend, not scarred-for-life from spending a week alone in the dark)

So I went to the dermatologist yesterday to have a suspect spot on my temple examined. The doctor took a quick look, could not determine what exactly it was, and then decided it needed to be cut off. A couple of minutes later a small chunk of my skin was being prepared for its journey to a lab and I was left pondering the fate of my modeling career (I'm joking....geez....). Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing, but then again, it could be the big C word. And this got me to thinking....have you ever noticed that we as a culture seem to hold cancer survivors in some higher regard? Like veterans or firefighters. If two people are applying for a job with the exact same qualifications - but one happens to be a cancer survivor - you know who's getting hired. Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this....it's just an interesting component of our human nature.

Anyway, it's SO comforting when the doctor says "I don't know what that is....let's remove it," and then asks if there's a history of skin cancer in your family.

Seems like our government is still working diligently at driving our country into the ground. Cap and Trade, nationalized health care, ANOTHER stimulus plan....it's getting to the point where someone who openly wanted to ruin the US and had unlimited power to do so couldn't do much better of a job than those who are currently running the show. Ultimately the problem is too many of us are apathetic, too many of us are idiots, too many of us are too easily confused/misled, and too many of us have been raised (whether consciously or subconsciously) to view America as the bad guy in all situations. We all get lazy at times, we all can act stupidly, we all can get lost in rhetoric and politics. Unfortunately a growing chunk of the population seems to be all those things (and more) all the time. (I have a term for it...but I can't share it because I haven't copyrighted it yet...)

And this week Al freakin' Franken became a US Senator. So now you no longer have to have any credentials to hold any office in this country. None. We can start randomly selecting people to fill every position from President to Secretary of Education. How about the local Prom Queen? She doesn't need more experience - people like her, they look up to her, they voted for her, so she can bring people together. Plus she's really pretty and speaks so well!

Al Franken as a senator is the liberal equivalent of Ted Nugent or Jerry Falwell or some other extremist with no real experience or credentials getting elected to the same position. Actually Rush Limbaugh might be a better comparison, but at least he didn't become famous for being a comedian. Perhaps you're saying to your computer (or at least I know I can hear my own friends' snide voices in my head right now saying it), "oh, you're just saying that because he's a Democrat! If Rush Limbaugh or Clint Eastwood or Bruce Willis got elected as Republican Senators you'd love it and find nothing wrong with it! You're just a vicious stupid right-winger anyway! Nothing you say matters because you think unborn babies count for something! BOOOOOO!!!!!" (Okay, maybe I got carried away there....) The point is, I don't think Limbaugh as a senator would be a good thing, even though I think he would be a slightly less ridiculous choice than Franken if only because Franken spent most of his career being a comedian. Had Franken never been in the entertainment industry and instead spent all these years as a serious political commentator - then I would put him on equal standing with Limbaugh...and would still say it's ridiculous for either of them to be a senator. Clint on the other hand....I'm sorry, I'd have to vote for him. It's Clint Eastwood! He shoots no-good scoundrels and teaches personal accountability and self-reliance. He IS rugged individualism! Plus at least he's held public office before!

Meagan Fox and My Inner Critic

Recently my dear mother kept an article from the Wall Street Journal (one of the few newspapers left that hasn't devolved into "rag" status or merely a propaganda forum) for me to read. It was about how many or most of us have an inner critic, who often can be more harsh than any outside voice. I've been telling people for a decade that I'm a perfectionist with an over-active and extremely Hitler-esque inner critic. Often this Inner Hitler had been an obstacle in nearly everything I attempt. Particularly (since about middle school) in my writing.

So, although the article was nothing new to me, it was nice to see the positives and negatives of self-criticism being acknowledged. The article also contained a brief quiz meant to assess one's level of self-criticism and perfectionism. 15 statements with a certain number of points allotted for the level of agreement with each statement.

Okay, fine. Since I can almost read your thoughts right now, I'll go ahead and give you what you want and type out the whole stupid quiz so you can take it yourself. (but if I get sued for copyright infringement, I blame you all)

For each statement, indicate the number that best describes how you feel most of the time.
1 - Totally disagree; 2 - Disagree very much; 3 - Disagree slightly; 4 - neutral; 5 - Agree slightly; 6 - Agree very much; 7 - Totally agree

1. It is difficult to be happy unless one is good-looking, intelligent, rich and creative.
2. People will probably think less of me if I make a mistake.
3. If I do not do well all the time, people will not respect me.
4. If a person asks for help, it is a sign of weakness.
5. If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am a weak person.
6. If I fail at my work, then I am a failure as a person.
7. If you cannot do something well, there is little point in doing it at all.
8. If someone disagrees with me, it probably indicates he does not like me.
9. If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.
10. If other people know what you are really like, they will think less of you.
11. If I don't set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person.
12. If I am to be a worthwhile person, I must be the best in at least one way.
13. People who have good ideas are better than those who do not.
14. I should be upset if I make a mistake.
15. If I ask a question, it makes me look stupid.


I went through the quiz and came to a score of 59. (and that was being conservative) 54 or higher indicates a high level of self-criticism and perfectionism. 39 is average and 24 or less indicates a low level of self-criticism and perfectionism.

So how did everyone do? I'd love to hear some of your scores. C'mon...I shared mine...

Okay...onto my other topic of the day: Meagan Fox. She does nothing for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah - technically she's gorgeous, but her portrayed image just comes across as so vapid, shallow, and lacking personality that her physical beauty is completely negated. When I hear a fellow man gasping through barely restrained wanton desire the many perceived wonders of Ms. Fox, I know that man does not place much value on intelligence, personality, charm, poise, and other non-mammalian traits of attraction. Give me Kate Beckinsale any day over Fox. Beckinsale's (or at least her portrayed image) the kind of woman who can kill the undead in skintight black leather, go frolicking on the beach with you, laugh at your stupid jokes, move you to write songs and lay waste to countless villages, and still tuck the kids in at night while saving energy for quality time with her man. Hmm....wouldn't it be ironic if in reality both Fox and Beckinsale were nothing like their images -- or even reversed? (and when I talk about portrayed images, I don't exactly mean the roles they play in movies, but rather how they come across as real people) Regardless, I'm sticking with Becks.

Oh, and let's not forget Fox's little comments about how she wishes Megatron (the villain from the Transformers movies) would blow up middle America with all it's Bible-thumping rednecks. I don't have her exact quote handy, but if you replace all the descriptors she used pertaining to many average Christians in this country with words that describe terrorists or a random minority group, her statement would have been heralded as racist, immoral, unconscionable, and stupid. But thanks to our cultures wacky double-standards, it's still totally cool to say bad things about Christians and "middle America." After all, they just "cling to their guns and religion".....wait a minute, Fox didn't say that part....who was that again? Oh yeah...

A few more random comments before I go:
1. I've found recently that it is actually EASIER for me to run the hotter and muggier it is outside. I've always been unable to run in cold weather - harder to breath, the throat burns, nose runs, muscles ache and feel lifeless. Perhaps the warmer, more humid air helps keep my body loose. This could help particularly with my chronic sciatica problems. Whatever it is, this recent heat wave of 90 degree temperatures has me bursting with energy each time I go for a run.

2. Salmon could be the perfect food. There's nothing bad in it and each fillet (at least the one's in the freezer) has about 40 grams of protein! For someone as health conscious and mildly-addicted to working out as me, that's a gold mine! Last night I made an amazing salmon salad -- and normally I don't care for meat mixed with vegetables in salad-form. It was so good I ate the leftovers for breakfast this morning -- and I just might make it again tonight!

Housecleaning and Best Fight Scenes

First - the housecleaning:
1. If you want some good insight on the evils of socialized health care (which is essentially what government run health care is), I suggest reading anything Stuart Varney has to say on the subject. He's an excellent journalist who lived in Great Britain and experienced socialized/nationalized/whatever term you prefer health care firsthand. Now he sees it coming our way.

On a personal note, while I have complained about my health insurance rates going up in recent years, I still do not want to see my provider run out of business by an undercutting government program. If there's a new massive government program out there at a cheaper rate, corporations are going to look at the numbers and start dumping Blue Cross Blue Shield and other private providers. Just like in The Office when they made Michael Scott pick the cheapest plan for his branch (but then he gave the duty to Dwight, who picked the worst plan imaginable). Also, it would be expected for the government (especially this government) to offer incentives to corporations and other groups to join the new government plan. Sure, you can keep your private plan....as long as that private company still exists. (as I often say, you can hardly ever take a politician at their word -- just because they say they're doing one thing, doesn't mean it's true. When some scam artist is bilking a kindly grandmother out of her life savings, he doesn't say "hey, I'm going to steal from you now." Instead he says "Oh, no, I'm not stealing from you - I'm here to help. That's just silly talk. I'm here to help you!"

As BCBS and others lose corporations, they have to find a way to stay afloat. So, perhaps they make up their losses by raising individual plan rates (like mine) to the point that we individuals can no longer afford to keep our plans...and are forced to join the inferior government plan. Soon BCBS and its kin are dinosaurs - fossilizing in ancient river beds for future combustion, followed by demonization as the cause of future cyclical climate change which is then politicized and used as a means to gain power and control. Then we face two extremes: Massive over-crowding in our doctors' offices and hospitals as people seek medical attention for every little ache and pain ("I kinda have a headache, I need an MRI") OR rationing of procedures, tests, and exams as government bureaucrats (lovingly called "central planners" by some people not fond of the current administration) make the decisions on whether or not you are deserving of such care.

2. Hmm....I wrote the previous part of this several days ago...now I've entirely forgotten what the other "housecleaning" issues were....

Okay -- onto the Best Fight Scenes. Recently I took part in a random discussion about the best movie fight scenes. These could be considered for a variety of reasons - such as the action itself, the characters involved, length, comedic factor, etc. Here are some of the favorites (in no particular order):

1. (They Live) --- Roddy Piper versus Keith David -- a cult-classic 80s sci-fi/horror movie about alien invaders who look like humans and whose true hideous appearance can only be seen when one is wearing cool-for-the-80s black sunglasses. These two have a ridiculously long fight-scene that harkens to Piper's day job as a pro wrestler.

2. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) -- Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader --- the epic duel that ultimately leaves Anakin's charred and limbless form lying beside a river of lava remains one of the few things George Lucas has gotten right in the last couple of decades.

3. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs himself (literally) --- Norton's character beats himself up in order to keep his annoying boss off his back...and also bilks the company out of a nice settlement. I'm sure there are millions of us who have seriously considered pulling this stunt, but never had the guts to go through with it.

4. (Fight Club) -- Edward Norton vs Jared Leto --- Ah...there's something so satisfying about seeing pretty boy actors getting their fictional faces smashed.

5. (Snatch) -- Mickey (Brad Pitt) vs Gorgeous George --- George is a trained bare-knuckle boxer who gets knocked out cold by one punch from Mickey the unassuming gypsey. Good times. Excellent director's work, in my opinion.

6. (Happy Gilmore) -- Happy vs Bob Barker -- how can one not enjoy the octogenarian Price Is Right host trading punches (and crass one-liners) with Adam Sandler? It's just the kind of silly fantasy young men would dream up while goofing around in the backyard: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, Adam Sandler fought Bob Barker?" "Oh dude! That's awesome!"

7. (Snatch) -- Mickey vs whoever-he-was-fighting-at-the-end-of-the-movie -- I can't recall who the opponent was, but the brawl that Mickey was intentionally losing only to ulimately win at the last second and complete his revenge against Bricktop is another fantastic element to a truly great film.

8. (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace) -- Obi Wan and Qui Gon vs Darth Maul --- while the rest of the movie was largely a disappointment (and dismal commentary on George Lucas' handling of one of the most beloved franchises of all time), the lightsaber duel at the end was worth watching. Unfortunately two of the only three cool characters in the entire movie are killed off.

9. (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) -- Indy vs a bunch of Nazis on a moving tank -- One of my all-time favorite movies has a really under-appreciated scene where Indy must rescue his father from inside "the belly of that steel beast" (a pre-WWII era tank). Indy hangs by his satchel from a cannon-barrel, he shoots through multiple Nazi soldiers at the same time with a Luger, he even leaps off the thing at the last second just as it goes over a cliff. What more could you ask for? (besides a 4th Indy movie that wasn't epically ruined by Lucas, Spielberg, and Shia LaBeouf)

10. (Lord of the Rings) -- Gandalf vs the Balrog --- Go ahead. Say the line. Surely you've had a few drinks and stood in front of the bathroom door and said to your buddy "You shall not pass!" Okay, even I haven't done that. Anyway, my inner dork really likes this confrontation. Also I immediately think of the Family Guy episode where Mr. Herbert (a.k.a. - the perverted old man) says the line to a giant, evil, living tree that is attacking Chris Griffin (or whom Herbert once called "the muscly-armed paperboy").

11. (Predator) -- Ah-nold vs the Predator -- "You are one ugly...." As if this classic didn't have enough memorable lines ("Get to the chopp-ah!") and scenes, who can forget the epic slugfest between a mud-encrusted Arnold (still in his prime) and one of the greatest movie aliens of all time? There is actually something in the male DNA that prevents us from ever growing bored with this movie. Seriously.

12. (Anchorman) -- the news-team gang battle royale -- without this scene the movie is significantly less funny. Steve Carrell's character kills a guy....with a trident....after that he lays low for a while.

13. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) -- King Arthur vs the Black Knight -- "it's just a fleshwound!" And I don't think I need to say anything else.

14. (300) -- Spartans vs innumerable hordes of Persians -- Isn't the whole movie basically one big awesome fight scene? It's impossible to pick just one scene or particular fight. So, I'm lumping all the fight scenes together for the purposes of this list. Prepare for glory!

15. (Kill Bill Part 1) -- The Bride vs The Crazy 88 -- Though I haven't seen this movie in at least 5 years, I can still recall this brutal and very Tarantino-ish bloodbath as being an excellent fight scene. Extra points for the hot-girl-with-a-sword angle.

16. (The Bourne Ultimatum) -- Jason Bourne vs motorcycle guy -- This fight scene set a new bar for realistic and gritty action filmmaking. A hallmark of Bourne movie fights is that, as in real life, the winner of the fight rarely walks away unscathed. There were several other amazing Bourne fight scenes I could include on this list...but I'm confused as to which movie they were in and who he was fighting and why....one was in an apartment against another assassin....hmmm.....

17. (Troy) -- Achilles vs Hector -- two of the ancient world's greatest warriors do battle at the gates of Troy, regrettably one must die. I still can't stomach the end of the film, however, when worthless, conniving, no-good Paris/Orlando Bloom shoots his little arrows. If I'd be directing that movie we would have changed the story around a little more and none of that crap would have happened!

18. (Gladiator) -- Russell Crowe vs anyone put in his way -- I can't even begin to sort through all the great fight scenes in this one. So, I won't bother. You've seen the movie. You know what I mean.

Okay....I'm out of top-of-the-head and stolen-from-the-discussion fight scenes. Feel free to add your own and even rank them if you wish. I'm positive there are dozens of great ones I've neglected to add.

I'm back...and still scatterbrained

Did anybody miss me? I haven't blogged in nearly 3 weeks. Why? No, I wasn't on vacation (can't afford those these days). I think mostly I felt like I had nothing to say and that nobody would care about anything I had to say even if I did have something to say. Perhaps my old enemy - self-criticism - played a role. And maybe some innocent comments by friends inadvertently led to my inability to write. But today I have forced myself back to the keyboard....still with nothing much to say....

I finally saw "The Hangover" yesterday. It was hilarious...funny all the way through...in fact, it seemed to get funnier as the movie went along. Unfortunately my brain has aged (or at least my priorities) to the point that I can no longer instantly retain all the good memorable lines from movies I've just seen. Also, most of those good lines were probably too vulgar to repeat in this (somewhat) family-friendly blog. To those who have also seen it: I'm still not clear on a couple of things -- 1) How did Phil end up in the hospital? and 2) How did they get the cop car in the first place?

Earlier in the weekend I also saw "The Taking of Pelham 123." It was rather mediocre, as I expected...but not bad. It was entertaining and I believe it sets a new bar for number of uses of the "f-bomb." Seriously. It was so blatant that I got the impression that the director was making a joke out of it - just tossing it into every line of the film. More f-bombs than The Big Lebowski. (That's a lot of f-bombs)

While trying not to pay attention to the news this morning (as these days all it does it agitate, depress, enrage, or otherwise make me feel ill) I couldn't help but notice some segment on exercise for the elderly. And it made me think that we really need to step up the science of creating artificial limbs/organs/entire bodies. I KNOW we can do it! "Oh, but it would cost too much - wahhhh!" Do you know how much it costs to take care of the elderly as it is???? When I get old I want my own replacement organs, robotic limbs that look perfectly real yet out-perform actual human limbs, or even a whole new android body for my brain to run around in. Let's make it happen people! Old age is out there, lurking, waiting, snickering sadisitically to itself in the shadows while fumbling with a package of Twinkies as it watches you go for that Saturday morning jog and come back aching just a tiny bit more each day! He may inevitably take me - but by golly, I'm going down like a Spartan!

Ah, but with socialized health care right around the corner - we're all in big trouble anyway. Just pray you don't get sick. Seriously. We currently have the best health care system in the world - even with all its quirks and problems. But we're about to go back to the Stone Age. But why waste my energy typing about it....those of you who get it - get it. Those who disagree will always disagree. Let's just split the country in two before things get really REALLY out of control. (Because we're already at just "really out of control.")

If any of you haven't seen the Mike Judge film "Idiocracy," do yourself a favor and check it out. Or at least watch the first 5 minutes where they compare the breeding rates of the stupid and non-stupid in our culture. It's funny, alarming, scary, and shockingly accurate.

Hmm...something light and humorous to wrap this blog up with....hmm...

Oh. Over the weekend Petsmart had pet adoption days on both Saturday and Sunday. I'm (jokingly) not allowed to go near that place on such days, yet this weekend I happened to be there both times. But I didn't adopt anything. So, that's good. I CAN fight temptation after all.

Pseudo-UFOs and Movie Dissatisfaction

I hope everyone had a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Except for those jerks who woke me up Saturday night at 1AM in their airboat with all the searchlights and the stupid droning generator. It was the sort of thing a less intelligent individual might have taken for a UFO landing. It started with hearing the noise in my sleep. Then I began gradually waking up in stages - at first thinking it was just a helicopter going overhead. But once fully awake I realized what was going on. The sweeping lights through the trees that entered my bedroom window were not the spotlights of passing helicopters (military or search and rescue) nor were they the pre-abduction lights of an alien craft. Looking down through the trees to the lake I saw the small boat with its ring of powerful lights - each reflecting off of the water, creating the illusion of a second ring. The boat was nearly on shore and while the sleep-annihilating roar of the airboat motor had ceased, the annoying drone of a generator could still be heard. Over the noise of that, however, I could also hear the guys on the boat chattering to each other. These same characters had been here before - a couple of weeks ago - but with a less noisy motor, no generator, and at 9PM rather than 1AM. I actually considered firing a gun into the air to convince them to leave. But they soon left on their own.

I saw "Terminator Salvation" this weekend. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. I can't say it was that good, but I'm also not quite ready to say it terrible either. But I have a bad feeling that once the movie-honeymoon wears off (the occasional tendency to give a film a slightly more favorable review due to having wanted the movie to be good in the first place) that I'm going to say it was truly awful.

One aspect I definitely did not like was the ending. I can't really go into detail, because that would mean including spoilers which would be a mean thing to do to my readers. Here is a brief rant about the ending that I wrote elsewhere (contains minor spoilers -- skip if you wish to remain completely spoiler free):


"I found myself actually wanting Connor to die - that's how bland the role of Connor was in the film. And that's not really Bale's fault. Most of the movie involves following Marcus around and he's the one doing most of the fighting. We see Connor get shot down in a helicopter, nearly get owned by a legless T-600, get shot down in ANOTHER helicopter by those hydro-terminators, only to later on get thrashed by the T-800.

The writing and directing basically made Connor out to be Optimus Prime but without all the sentimental feelings the 20-somethings might have about the character. (side note - I guarantee you they kill off Prime in this Transformers...they did it in the cartoon movie...and at the end it'll be "oh no, what do we do! The Decepticons are stronger than ever - Prime is dead! Oh nos!" and they'll fade to black with a scene of the surviving Autobots, Sam, and Megan Genetically-Engineered-By-Movie-Studios Fox looking off into the distance as Linkin Park begins to play. Then we'll find out they plan to "wrap it all up" in a 3rd part and that will be the end because Hollywood can only have frickin' trilogies! Leave it open for more? No, no, no! Let's have a trilogy. And then I die a little inside.....i need some breakfast...."


I had never seen or heard of Sam Worthington before - but he was excellent as Marcus Wright, the hybrid human/cyborg. Last week we were discussing male actors having to win over the male audience -- well, Worthington just did it. His character was FAR more compelling than that of John Connor, plus the script gave Worthington the chance to seemingly act circles around Bale (again, this was due to poor writing and directing).

I'm really tired of these terrible Hollywood directors getting to play amateur hour with all the big movie franchises. Are there even any good, reliable directors left out there? Even the once mighty Spielberg has lost his edge.

In other movie news, I think I actually want to see "The Hangover." The last time I saw a Vegas-bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie was about 10 years ago ("Very Bad Things"), which raised the bar for shocking gross-out comedies. Parts of that movie were quite disturbing - even to myself and my friends who were then crass, un-shockable 18-19 year olds. But by today's standards, most of those elements are found on network tv each night.

Okay, I've grown irritated sitting here trying to find an ending to this blog. But I'm convinced no such ending exists. Rock on, everybody.

Mighty Sampson Gets a Haircut...

So I went for a haircut yesterday.....I intended to have a little more taken off than last time....but it's funny how that always seems to result in the complete and total deforestation of my hair. So, I'm no longer really a shaggy-haired lad, rebelling against society's ills. But the hair will be back....and it will have its revenge...in this, 2009, the Year of Vengeance!

Anyway...

Here's what's randomly on my mind this morning:

1. I have a tick bite on my leg that either has a red rash around it (indicating very bad things) or is irritated from all the constant scratching. Nothing seems to itch as intensely or for as long as tick bites!

2. When you're mowing so deep in a wooded area that the plant-life (I can't call it grass, because this was way beyond just grass) is as tall as the handle bars, it might be time to call in air support and just have the place napalmed. And to all the turtles I rescued from being eaten by the mower -- you're welcome! No, no - don't bother thanking me for saving your lives -- just hiss at me and slam shut the front door on your shells.

3. Has anyone seen the YouTube video on Shia Labeauf (sp?) where it's just 2 minutes of clips from his movies of him saying "No?" For those - like myself and the majority of male movie-goers out there - who can't stand him, it's an enjoyable experience and a demonstration of his oh-so-amazing acting range.

4. I've probably mentioned my little theory before, but I'll bring it up again: In order for a Hollywood actor to become one of the true "top dogs" he MUST win over the male audience. Crowe, Bale, Damon - they've all done this and are all at the top of the heap. The Shias and Orlando Blooms of the world will never be that successful unless or until they can make the average guy like them. Take Brad Pitt for example, he went from being a male-hated pretty boy to now being a guy's-guy actor noted for his talent and great role selection. It all started around the era of Se7en and Fight Club. He began showing the male audience a different side and we began to say, "alright, Pitt....maybe you're not so bad...maybe I could have a beer with you...fight a war with you...." How is this done? There is no set formula, but there are certain aspects to the roles an actor takes that can help accomplish this goal.
a) Be a viable "Badass." -- Just playing a role that features guns or swords isn't enough. In fact, doing so can expose an actor for being just another pretty boy male-model type that Hollywood is trying to force-feed to the general public. You have to be believeable. You have to be a man's-man - rugged, tough, the kind of guy you could depend on to lead you out of the wilderness after a plane crash - or help you fight off the street gang that is terrorizing your neighborhood. And you can't look pretty while doing it -- it's okay to look good - just not pretty. In fact, never look pretty if you want to win the male audience over. We hate that. It's why in the real world we say "I can't stand that pretty boy!" so derisively. An example of "Badass" -- pretty much any role Russell Crowe has played that involved swords, guns, or fighting of any kind. An example of Epic Fail Badass -- Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven," Shia playing Indiana Jones' street-tough motorcycle-riding son in Indiana Jones 4, and George Clooney as Batman (but that was horrible for a lot of other reasons as well).

b) Be funny - but in a self-deprecating or off-the-wall kind of way. Don't be a punk! Nothing irritates the male audience quite like some young pretty boy who acts cocky and makes a bunch of smart-aleck remarks. Do this and you may have sealed your doom forever. (I'm looking at you, Shia...) An example of good humor: Vince Vaughn.

c) Be able to play a character as opposed to just another pretty romantic lead. Brad Pitt has played crazy serial killers, loons, devious figments of one's imagination railing against modern society, and even dim-witted personal trainers. He has taken on roles that require looking and acting like someone far less than a charming, handsome hero. And he's pulled them off successfully.

d) Take on roles that subsconciously will earn our respect. Jason Bourne? Maximus? The new gritty, more realistic Batman of Christian Bale? If these characters popped out of the screen and started walking around in our living rooms -- we would literally drop our popcorn bowl and follow them off on adventures. If Colin Farrell's Alexander came out of my tv screen I would hurl the popcorn bowl at him and demand my money back for seeing that WOAT movie in the first place.

4. I think I'm gonna start wearing half-shirts like Iceman and Slider in Top Gun. Or at least oil myself up each time before I play sand volleyball while Kenny Loggins' music plays in the background.

5. Okay - my attention span is gone. Everyone have a great weekend and be safe out there.